Does this make me bad?
Forums:
i have two pretty good SS. One really likes me, one can take or leave, but it’s ok.
DH really likes us to do everything together on his weekends. Part of it is that, frankly, it’s easier with a 9- and 10-year-old to have two adults when we go to festivals, parks, etc. The other part is he does like the family unit feel and he tries hard to include me.
So today they want to go to the zoo. I can’t think of anything I want to do less. Am I a bad SM for sending them on their way and enjoying the quiet? I only see them the two weekends per month (BM is control freak) so I feel guilty for not wanting to spend every single second with them, but lord I don’t...
Thoughts?
Not at all. A couple of
Not at all. A couple of weekends ago I let my SO take his two kids AND my son while I went off to watch my old team play rugby by myself.
Even in intact families not everyone does every activity.
Plus when I was a stepkid I hated how my mom would drag her husband in on every single event - sometimes you just want to spend time with your own actual parent. So it goes both ways. I don't need to be at every activity and my partner doesn't need to be at every activity I do with my son. We do as much as we can as a family unit, and we are a family unit, but that doesn't mean we need to be joined at the hip every second. It's better if we're not.
I agree with this. Divorced
I agree with this. Divorced dads want that family feel...it seems to be a common fantasy but it's one that really only benefits them. They are the linchpin in the relationships, so it tends to be more important to them to feel like everyone is family than it is to either the SM or the kids. In fact, the kids and SM both may not even want that.
I often suggested/highly encouraged DH to on out one-on-one with all three kids or even one at a time while they were with us. I got a much-needed break and the kid got time with just dad, which I do think is needed. Win-win.
I think one of the reasons that I'm on decent terms with my now adult skids is because I never tried to be a "replacement mom" and gave them plenty of access to their dad when they were with us. There was no competition...even if one of them started acting like there was, DH and I just refused to play that game.
So true
I realized too late that it was only my ex-fiance who wanted us to be a happy family. I tried to play the role because I loved him and wanted to fit in. Problem is, I never wanted children of my own so when the issues started with his kids, I was completely turned off and ill-equipped to deal with it. I too gave him and his kids ample time together to appear the least threatening possible, but it didn't really work. The kids weren't interested in finding a SM and I wasn't interested in being one.
No not bad. You should be
No not bad. You should be able to do some things without them. All parents do. I send husband off with SS fairly regularly although I also hate SS.
No, you aren't bad, your
No, you aren't bad, your husband just wants to play Happy Family. Even in truly Happy Families, one parent takes the kids to do stuff while the other gets a break.
If you like your skids enough to do some things with them, but want to stay home for others, that's fine.
Don't let DH tell you otherwise.
Why should you want to spend
Why should you want to spend every second with them? They are not your kids.
I used to send DH off with his daughter, just the two of them, all of the time. After all, she was there to spend time with him.
It is perfectly normal to
It is perfectly normal to want a day to yourself! Don't feel bad at all. Frankly your DH should try and do things every once in a while with just him and his kids.
If he objects, point out to
If he objects, point out to your dh that his kids might actually enjoy and look forward to an outing with just daddy.
Think of it this way... They
Think of it this way... They only get to see their father two weekends per month. No offence whatsoever, but as much as they might like you and get along well with you, they want their dad. That's who they're coming to visit. They're probably happy you're giving them time alone with them.
My SD lives with us full-time and I've been the primary mother figure in her life since around 2 years old and she STILL would prefer time alone with her dad to time with both of us. She doesn't outright say it, but she insinuates it with comments like "can daddy come with me?" or "i want daddy to put me to bed"
I was hurt by it at first, but man, biological ties are strong and every kid is going to love their biological parents most. They want time with them.
Only ss20 lives with us on uni breaks
But since he’s incapable of giving us advanced notice when he’s on holidays or will be home, we just do our own schedule planning getaways and activities. We go on mini getaways with our toddlers and ss stays home or he can get an uber ride back to uni...
we often have activities on weekend which could be taking our kids for drs appt followed by lunch and grocery shopping and ss20 stays home.
Me and hubby do not feel guilty one bit. If you can’t value other peoples time, give them the decency of notice, the world won’t stop for you just because you asked
I think it’s weirder to
do what I saw yesterday. Nuclear family. Parents both show up at kid event. One parent is involved, helping out. The other parent reads a book the entire time and does not talk to anyone. Why doesn’t the reader just stay home?
Nothing wrong with bowing out if you want to.
Maybe the reader wants to be
Maybe the reader wants to be there and is just shy or introverted. Depending on the sport, sometimes your kid isn't always actively involved in the game going on.
I skip activities all the
I skip activities all the time and let my SO just take skids himself. He doesn't mind at all. He wanted to take them bowling one wknd and I didn't want to go so they went without me. Same for bball tournaments, skid concerts, etc. I just do not want to be there for everything.