I just learned the term but engagement and didengagement have been an issue with me for a long time.  Im a 76yo BM & SM of 5.  Back in the day, I went to counseling and was urged to engage more.  I had sort of checked out and was urged to resume my role as mother of the house.  That was good advice.  Flash forward a few years and DH would not listen to me concerning YSS, then in his teens.  Long story, but I disengaged from YSS even tho he was living here.  That was the only way since DH and YSS disregarded anything I said.  No overt disrespect,  just only listening to DH.

As the years went by and the kids launched, the normal disengagement occurred as they led their own lives.  About 10 years ago, SDnow59 began to go downhill, her second divorce, drug use, homelessness, etc.  She had always been a mini-wife and troublesome but I'd hung in there with DH as we handled her.  She moved in here 4 years ago and over a 10-month period, put us thru hell with her drug use, theft and craziness.  We separated finances, moved her out to a place which we partially subsidize and I disengaged.  This has been a godsend, I just can't expose myself to her more than necessary.  As someone on here said, if her lips are moving, she's lying.  I have also grayrocked her.

So, in short, disengagement has worked for me.  I find it comes and goes over the years and varies by person.  In SD's case, I was engaged but not now.  Nowadays, YSS aren't close but we are closer than in the disengagement years.  Maybe we both matured.  Lol.

About 2 years ago I started disengaging from my SD10. I didn't tell my DH what I was going to be changing. Everyone in our house had been walking on eggshells. Me trying to balance disciplining and being friendly. SD getting fed up because "I'm not her Mom." DH always being caught in the middle and having to mediate us. At first I had to come to terms with that SD was ultimately not my responsibility. And how she "turned out" was not a reflection of me as a step parent. 

I quit reminding her to brush her teeeth. I quit asking her to brush her hair. I quit asking her to clean her room. I left ALL of that up to DH. He was left to step up HIS parenting game. He then saw first hand the things I used to complain about with SD. The attitude. The defiance. The talking back. He finally realized it wasn't a "me" problem. The common denominator in all of this was SD. 

Not saying I completely ignore SD. If she strikes up conversation (rarely) of course I'll talk to her. But when she is asking permission for things, etc. I just tell her to go ask her Dad. It also depends on how old your SK is, but I also stopped doing things around the house for her. You want a snack? No problem, feel free to make it. This took away the battle of "let's eat something healthy". Don't feel like buying lunch at school? No problem, you can pack your lunch. I was burning myself out and bending over backwards when SD was MORE than capable of doing things on her own. She can put her clothes in the laundry room (if she wants clean clothes). She can clean her bathroom. She can clean her own room if she doesn't want to live in squaller. It's honestly up to her. 

DH definitely got frustrated at times... but I honestly feel like it was because he couldn't hide from parenting anymore and expect me to do it. Since disengaging I have been WAY less stressed about SD. 

DH and I also are expecting our first son together in April... I have been focusing on our child and things I CAN control. This has helped immensely. 

I never engaged, except as a fun adult in the home. My DH did 100% of the parenting, with me helping out here and there if he had appointments, or whatever. He was the parent, period. If I was alone with SS and he was misbehaving, he knew that when DH came home, he would be in trouble, because I would tell him.  SS, now almost 21, and I got along very well, he's always been respectful and still is - because he knows that DH won't tolerate anything else.  So I think it can work if you have no bio kids in the home to parent, and your spouse is a decent parent.

I know many on here have disengaged even when their spouse ISN'T a decent parent, so it seems that can work too, especially with adult skids like yours. Just don't be part of anything related to her - you can be civil and friendly if you see her, but otherwise, just don't get involved. Set boundaries where you need to, ie, her not living with you or how much your DH spends on her. But otherwise - she's his problem.

Honestly, the biggest mistake stepparents seem to make is believing themselves to be a parent figure to their stepkids, just by virtue of marrying their father. Sometimes, that works, but often it doesn't.

Im on the fence with this one. Disengagement definitely helped me emotionally detach from SKs and the issues they brought with them. I truly could care less.

But the side effect to that was losing all respect for SO because watching a grown man be abused by his own child and take it is not an attractive quality. 

I think it works best if you never really engage int he first place. I took the approach that I would treat SD like a cat, you know, wait for her to come to me. She never did and I never pushed. 

As for parenting I will talk parenting strategies with DH but for SD it's up to him to implement. I don't clean up after her, the most I do is tell him to parent her when he really needs to address something. 

SD definitely sees me as an ice queen. You're going to get some negative label anyway, this one seems to be the least effort and drama. I'd rather be "my stepmother was always distant" rather than "my stepmother caused me so much drama!"

I've been disengaged for 17 yrs, since my two SDs were aged 5 and 7.  I did it because of a high conflict BM who PAS'd them both to an extreme degree.  It wasn't ideal, I was lonely a lot of the time when they were over, EOW - I did my own thing while DH took them out and about. I was distant when the SDs were in the house and apart from very superficial exchanges of pleasantries I didn't talk to them.  But for me it was the least worst solution and it didn't affect my marriage in any massive way.  I had hoped that DH would have my back a lot more than he did, but this gradually changed over the years and he is a lot better than he used to be in this respect. 

Do you not just come off as the wicked SM who's not interested

Even if you do get labelled an ice queen

There is nothing wrong with not being interested in someone (especially an adult) who treats you rudely and has no interest in you. It doesn't make you wicked, nor does it make you an ice queen. You've tried (from what I read in your other post).

My SD is 29 (I've been in her life since she was 5) and I've been a certain amount of disengaged for many, many years and it works just fine (though my husband doesn't gaslight me). I listen to him when he talks about her, and it doesn't bother me to hear about her or talk to him about her, because I really am indifferent when it comes to her. I just don't care. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I just really don't care or worry about what's going on in her life.

It does help that my husband sees SD for who she is.

Your are being step on.  That you are not gum on the bottom of your shoes. 
Let SO handle everything, so you don't wast your time, money, effort in a kid, or kids who don't give too sh*ts about you. 
 

It's much worst to feel like you spend your time money for nothing.  Because you are the problem, step parents are always the problem,    Even though your SO screw up there first marriage, you are the problem.  

Yes, you will get labeled the wicked stepmother but as you noted that happens anyway.  At least with disengagement you get some peace of mind for yourself.  

So far I am finding that disengagement brings peace most of the time.  Holidays will likely always be a juggling act but I would rather that than being miserable all year long with SD23's toxic behavior.  Also when grandkids come in the mix that adds a new weapon for SK's to abuse, control and manipulate parents.  For me I don't think the GSK will ever happen since SD23 is toxic, has no friends let alone significant others, and says she doesn't want any kids.  But I fully expect that the problems created by disengagement (mostly holidays and some awkward family gatherings on SO's side) are more than offset by the benefits of living happily and drama-free the rest of the time.

Sure it can.  It takes absolute dedication to each other and the relationship.  These must c ome before all else including children regardless of kid biology.

It cannot include kid centric, or kid worshipping behaviors.  The goal must be to raise kids, regardless of kid biology, to viable adulthood with behavioral and performance standards that are an absolute requirement with zero tolerance for anything less.

At the end of the day, if you have a partner that supports you 100% and is not going to force anything on you (in regards to step kids) you should be fine disengaging. Unfortunatley, if you have a partner who doesn't have your back, and takes step kids feelings/side, you are going to lose. Sorry. I'm being blunt and speaking of my own experience. But the way i see it, i never truly had my husbands back and he contributed to the issue as much as the step kids did.

Just know it isn't you. You are not the reason skids aren't accepting of you. Many of us could be as nice as pie to the skids and they just will be as mean as always. So, what's the point of being so nice to hateful skids? No matter how polite I was to the skids, they always blamed me for anything DH said to them they didn't like. I had to stop caring what they and their circle thought about me and that works wonders. 

To preserve our sanity, DH and I avoid being near the adult skids and skids. With the virus around it's become a lot easier, as we are following the CDC and State's guidelines. 

Keep in mind, this probably won't happen overnight. What worked for me too is if they contact me, I no longer respond...haven't for quite a few years. They rarely if ever contact me now, as they know they won't get a response. This also doesn't give them the opportunity to berate me on the phone or via text with the yelling and screaming they did before. Video chat with them...never....count me out. DH doesn't even. 
 

I found removing myself from any opportunity for them to play hateful games with me has worked. That did involve turning down invitations to some gatherings they would be at. I had to decide whether to suck it up and attend and have to suffer with rude comments flung at DH and I, or do something else and preserve sanity. Preserving sanity won out much of the time. It also helped our marriage in DH and I not arguing about how terrible they treat us, because we didn't give them that opportunity.

After a while, I just became numb of what whatever they do or say. To this day, they use the gskids as pawn to lure DH to play their games, but DH has learned not to fall for that, plus he doesn't want to be near anyone out of his household...gskids and skids included. It may take some time, but it does work....Best of luck

It works well but you will have to be able to feel like a stranger in your house. 

SD19 has refused any type of relationship with me since she was 12yo. I have paid good money for her to have bday gifts, attend concerts and never had any returns or meaningful time spent with me. She stopped coming around at 13yo and even so I still tried to maintain a relationship but she never wanted me to have her number or anything so I let that die and havent tried anything since 2014. In 2019, she visited us twice and i received her with cupcakes, sweet treats, etc but I didnt sit with her or her dad, i left them alone. I made small talk with her about school and then moved on. Then she stopped coming around again because my husband and her had a huge fight about her putting naked pics online and doing an onlyfans (couldnt handle his little angel showing her bare ass online...i laughed wholeheartedly the day that I found this out....SS18 sent a whole screen of his own sisters social media accts). She frequently visits BM2 (not her mother, my husbands second ex) tho because she provides her with alcohol although she is underage. BM2 wants friendship and validation from anyone who is disenfranchised by my husband to the pt where morals are out of the window lol

SS18 has lived with us for 2 yrs before....He put me through hell and it escalated in domestic violence. This wasnt enough on his end, him and my husband and BM1 wanted me to be his servant/maid meanwhile BM1 was collecting CS checks and he was wreaking havoc on our home. Her reasons are that her little angel was out of control and she couldnt handle him, then when he was at our house, she said he never acted like this with her and someone must be a bad influence on him....After the domestic violence episode, i was in my own home walking on eggshells with a taser and taping any interaction. I lived another year in fear before he finally left because my husband wanted him to finish school and he refused....I never speak or interact with him. BM1 kicked him out on his 18th bday and i felt sorry for him so I bought him groceries, but that is where it stops. He is slowly trying to weasel his way back and my husband wants a bigger home to accommodate him but the day he comes in is the day that I will be leaving for good and i warned my husband on that

SS15 is a spoiled brat who cries every time he is in social setting with required interaction. He has low self esteem and heavily relies on his gf to make it in life. BM2 shelters them and would prob wipe their asses if she could. I was taking him and his bro to activities and trying to make their visits enjoyable BUT the brat refused to do his own laundry and was disrespectful about it. He rolled his eyes and talked shit to.me as if i were a mere servant. My husband did nothing so I asked to have the phone that I bought him back and he refused and told me "its my phone", then i said to hand me the phone or else we wont have a relationship anymore. His answer: i dont want a relationship with you and idc....I was in tears, that little motherfucker broke my heart and i felt stupid. From then on, i dont address him, i dont take him.anywhere and i dont provide anything but the minimum which is one hot meal a day

SS12 stole the PS4 cord and when i asked him to return it back, he lied and claimed it wasnt him so i took the ps away and he immediately called his father and spun a fake story about me taking the PS away randomly but it didnt work, his dad didnt buy it. Then his dad asked me to be there when a friend and their mom would pick him up for a play date and i agreed. I met the lady and watched him get in the car. 8hrs later, BM2 texted.my husband that I had left her son alone in the dark dropped off by an unknown and how she was pissed. My husband woke me up to talk about it and yell at me....the next day, SS12 called to let me know that he was sorry and lied. Idc for his apology and ever since then, i dont speak to him or do anything for him either besides one hot meal a day

I often tink of divorce and live with a heavy heart....i had no specific ill feelings toward children in general until I met these monsters

All i can say is warn ppl to never get involved with those who have kids....they will suck the life out of you and treat u like a worthless piece of shit

Now I am alone in my room while they all watch a movie and have fun in my living room. It will be over tomorrow at 6pm thank god

I have never been much of a supporter of disengagement. I am more of a full consequences/full engegement practitioner.

We established standards of behavior for SS in our home.  We held him to those standards. When he chose to not comply we applied escalating age appropriate misery inducing consequences.

We did the same with the SpermClan though the standards we enforced with them were establhised by the CO, the supplemental county rule for visitation and support, and the applicable state regulations.   When they stepped out of line we smacked them around (figuratively) with every legal, financial, and social tool available.  

Using this model we have built a successful 26+ year marriage, raised a man of character, honor, success and standing in his profession and community, and kept the SpermClan pummelled into submission and under their slime covered rock at the bottom of the shallow and polluted gene pool.

I am proud to have had my amazing bride's back through the 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO and together we were able to save our son (he asked me to adopt him when he was 22, we made that happen) from going down the usual road of failure that his Spermidiot and the SpermClan is hell bent on following.

Disengagement, Grey Rocking, etc... are certainly useful tools in dealing with a toxic blended family opposition and I have upon occassion used elements of them along with my preferred bring the pain strategy.

Good luck.

I'm completely disengaged.  I'm just dads partner. I don't give gifts, I don't make sure they have things they need even when I know they don't have them, I don't put plates on the table for them they have to do it themselves, I don't cook for them, I never drive them anywhere, I don't do favors for them, I don't spend time with them, I don't ask them questions about themselves, when I'm speaking at the dining table it's always directly at DH, I never respond to them, I don't spend a dime on them. It feels liberating. Been doing this since 2017. 1.5 more years and SD goes off to college and SS will likely stay more at his moms house after he turns 16 since he hates having to go back and forth between houses. They have nothing at DHs house so BMs house is definitely their primary residence. 

I do the same now, their father does that now. Maybe only here and there per year I would cook something but my partner would help me out with preparation. I also have 16 yo skid who spends now only weekends at our place, his sister is 13 and is here every second week but I think they will both move to their mothers place like most children of divorce do. But yea I think you are doing the right thing, if you get involved and try to play a parent to these kids, you will get so screwed up at the end. In the beginning I was cleaning and cooking for them and I got nothing back, just negativity and it really made me feel miserable. At the end of the day these kids have both mom and dad and they drive them around, pay for them, cook, clean for them. At best we can be their friend if they come to us for an advice, if not its also okay, we didnt brought them in this world so its not our responsibility.

Respects you and your choices. If his spawn don't come over at his invitation,  disrespecting your wishes it could work. It won't work if your SO doesn't put you first, prioritizing the marriage and your boundaries.