Disengaging in a permanent way
Hello all, I just discovered this forum in an effort to try and overcome some marital problems im having due to to my step children and disagreements with my wife.
ive been a step parent for about 9 years now, the boys were 8 and 16 when I came along, now 17 and 25. Almost from day one these kids were a problem for me. From drug and alcohol usage for the older one, to bad grades, lying and disrespect from the younger one. It's been years of this type of behavior, to the point where I had to send the older one to rehab a few years ago (he's still using after coming home) to the younger one now being 17 and using drugs and alcohol on several occasions. I'm a pretty strict parent. I expect good grades and my house rules to be followed. This includes no drugs and booze underage. No one has ever listened. The older one I threatened to kick out on several occasions, nothing ever stopped him. Mom would always save him and blame me, telling me I get too angry, I yell too much and she doesn't want her children feeling bad about themselves. I've tried to disengage several times through the years, always to receive a guilt trip from my wife about how this isn't parenting and I'm not being mature. So I always came back, always to be made a fool of again. The most recent incident involved the youngest son and a suitcase full of empties he stashed in a field. The suitcase he "stole" from my house had my name and number on the bag tags. I wanted him punished, and car, that we pay for and insure, taken away and sold. Wife decided that taking away computer games for two weeks and nothing else was punishment enough. So, I've moved out. I moved to another city for a job, and I have told my wife I want nothing to do with her kids ever again. They're not welcome in my presence. Like many of you I've read on here, I feel a bit bad about this, because I'm supposed to be the man and set an example. But I don't know how else I'm supposed to do so when I'm ignored and disrespected and even my wife won't see my side about it. So it's causing some marital issues and I don't know how to handle things. We just don't agree on discipline and right now these fools do whatever they want with no consequences and i no longer want to be a part of it. My wife of course loves her children above all else. Is my marriage over? How can we overcome not only these problems but me refusing to live in the house as they still live there?