Disengaging is a Double-Edged Sword
Hope someone relates to this post so I know I'm not being a horrible person.
Little history is I met my DH while we were both going through a divorce with our first marriges. I have 2 bio kids (D32/S26), and he has 1 (D33). We tried to take things slow, but coming from 2 lonely marriages, we moved very quickly. Moved in together within 6 months and haven't been apart since. Finally married after 8 years of living together. We should be happy, right? I thought so too.
Since the beginning of our relationship he has been protective of his then 19yo/now 33. I understood at the time because I wanted to believe he was a sensitive and concerned father. My kids didn't get that option of me protecting them from Mom's new boyfriend. They lived with me and jumped right into this relationship with me. DH has been a wonderful stepdad to both my kids. Because we share the same values and beliefs, I have never stepped in the way of him being their friend, counselor, dad. I love seeing him interact with my kids because he does it so well, they call him for everything, even before calling me.
Since he chose to protect his daughter from me for about 6 months, even while living together (I left if she came over). Its never felt like a natural relationship. Seems he prefers if I have something to say, to say it through him. If her and her boyfriend (at the time/now husband) were rudely late to a dinner I excitedly prepared so she could see her dad, I spoke up. If I couldn't plan anything for Christmas Day for our little blended family because the boyfriends family came first, I spoke up...all 13 years so far. But, when I speak up, I get shut down. I've yet to feel like I matter much with his family. He manages those relationships as well with his mom, sisters, anybody. Anyhow, after 13 years together he can't understand why I want nothing to do with any of them. Whether they personally did something to me, or not. I just don't want to be a part of any of their holidays, birthdays, funerals, etc.. Most of the time it has been awkward during these visits because they decided they liked the ex more. Then, his oldest sister took the opportunity every time I saw her to tell me I need to love and take good care of her brother (my husband) because he's a special person who the whole family cherishes. Little do they know he has been a liar, cheater and pos to me throughout our relationship. I started to resent them telling me I was so lucky to have landed the best of their bunch. I don't feel lucky. So between them saying whatever they want to me, trying to dictate where I will spend my holidays, having to go through my husband to communicate, and having him side with them each and every time I spoke up about something, I DISENGAGED...DISENGAGED...DISENGAGED! I'm so disengaged he never mentions them to me unless I ask. He now has his phone calls with them in private. He makes plans without consulting me, even would invite them to sleep at our home whenever they visited our city.
So, I've been MIA for about 3 years. No visits, no calls, nothing. Disengaging is a double-edged sword.
I posted before finishing!
I posted before finishing! After a few years of pulling back, he's changed. I told him I'm tired of feeling unsupported in our relationship. I told him I no longer wish to be involved with any of them, including his daughter, who now has made DH a grandpa. I don't welcome them into my home, I don't send Christmas cards, and I don't go to any of his daughter/granddaughter events. He goes alone. This happened a couple of times before his family caught on. He wouldn't tell them the truth about why and to this day has not. As I was saying above, all his calls are when I'm not home or while he's driving without me in the car. He's texting a lot more these days too. Now, I find him sneaky.
So, if you chose to disengage, life basically goes on without you. You think you're punishing everyone else, especially your partner, but I sure feel like the punished one.
you aren't crazy, nor wrong
I am living a quite eerily similar life here. It is really lonely. I thought I could handle the exclusion, but most days, it just hurts to the bone. I spend the bulk of my time and energy trying to understand how I got to this place, and trying to make an independent existence that offsets the so-called family I married into. The cost, to my soul, has been high, and the hoped for relationship with a good man has NEVER materialized. The assumption I made that we would forge a path through a couple good and wholesome decades together, having both learned from our immaturity and youth...... ah, well.....I'm the owner of some misplaced trust, a heap of embarrassment, and a lot of broken dreams. I am not very proud of what I've made of life.
On a practical note: I really understand that constant awareness of the texting and social media scrolling that you mention. It is so pervasive, and it sucks all the air out of a marriage.
YES...all that! I never
YES...all that! I never started out to end up this way. On the contrary, my love language is to "do for people." I volunteered countless times to host holidays for his large family, open my heart and home to whoever needed it. Yes, I realized they were a needy group, but I wanted to do it for my husband. They always rejected the invitations and went to Plan B. They never had another plan, but would make one. How does one not take that personally? My husband would just shrug it off and tell me that's how they are. Then, he'd go to whatever they planned. He never once in all these years seemed concerned about me and my kids and how we would've appreciated a nice Christmas or family gathering. Instead, I've stayed home either alone or with just my 2 kids (neither married) and it just didn't feel that special. He'd go off and have a great time and come home and we'd do nothing special. We have no traditions of our own to this day. A bunch of these rejections and excuses he makes for everyone is what led me to throw my hands up and say NO MORE. I threw such a fuss, he even suggested that I don't have to do to anything, see anyone, participtate, etc.. And, I don't. And, it bothers him immensely. It bothers me too. It bothers me that I continue to be last choice. It bothers me that I have kids and basically offer them lousy holidays and lonely memories. I first dug in my heels to let DH know what it felt like to be rejected. Then, I dug in harder when his family rejected me and he made excuses for them. Now, I can't undig my heels because I'm stubborn and it's a matter of principal. I blame him every step of the way to where we are today. His response is that I have a choice every day when I wake up to reach out to any of them to move forward and have a relationship. My response to him is "why would I do that?" Do I really want more of his excuses for their rudeness, him inserting himself in the middle, etc?
I'd like to hear how others who have this type of scenario handle things. It's very difficult to act like all these people don't exsist when he acts like they're the most important part of his life. BTW, I've suggested divorce multiple times since I feel like I'm last in line in his life. He has assured me I am loved, important and he wants to have a life with me. So, I've agreed multiple times to have a life with him and only him. Then, an occassion comes up and we're back to square one and why I can't be a part of anything.
He says you have choices.
But you don't, really. You've ticked all the boxes on your part, organising, inviting them over, attending. They did not accept your invitations and they never accepted you, and have been very consistent at that.
He says he loves you, but would you leave your most loved person on Christmas and f*ck off elsewhere, for years?
He seems to say many things - he seems to have the gift of the gab, but none of that is followed up by actions. And you also say that he was comfortable with lying to you and cheating on you, all the while maintaining a charming outward image. God, that must have been exhausting for him!
It looks like he loves the image of himself as some sort of do-gooder, wise mentor, but there's not much substance under that. Seems like you married him and meant it, where's he was just looking for a wife appliance. Chuck him overboard already and start living your best life. And don't forget to take him to the cleaners on the way,
In other words, your husband
In other words, your husband is a selfish egocentric prick who doesn't give a shit about anyone else. He just wants to enjoy his life and his concern for others ends there.
What are YOU getting out of this "marriage"?
Love your response! I'm
Love your response! I'm getting pretty good at calling out his BS. You're so right about him needing to be a savior. Not sure why. Still trying to figure him out. I think it boosts his narrsasistic tendencies. His infidelity has turned my mind upside down. I'm no longer confident, feel beautiful, trust him or feel like a valued and loved partner. I can't even believe I'm here at this point. I do enjoy him as a companion. I don't offer more than that. I'm learning to live like this. Sounds horrible, but I impose my boundaries whether he likes it or not. That's something I control, not him.
Duplicate
Deleted
Duplicate
Deleted
That's exactly right. Life
That's exactly right. Life will go on with-out those who disengage to the extent you have. I've always said that here. Disengage at your own peril. I'm sorry you felt you had to do it, though. Hugs. At this stage, imo, the relationship is over and I would divorce if I were you.
You don't disengage to punish anyone, you disengage for yoursel
You don't disengage to punish anyone, you disengage for yourself. You do it to save your sanity. You do it to keep from getting hurt. Except for the part about him inviting them to your house without your knowledge, didn't your life get better when you quit having to deal with his family?
Now, I am disengaged for
Now, I am disengaged for myself. I protect my own heart now. He doesn't understand this and how his past and present actions are what feed this decision. Apparently, in his other marriage, his wife slept through the majority of it. He ruled his roost and made most of the decisions. I did too with my 1st marriage. However, I am a very capable partner and had wanted to be a part of the extended family. I've always worked full-time. His family is mostly retired and would call him to ask to stay over because they had business in our city. It became evident that it was a free bed for them. It sure seemed that they never just came to see him. It always had to do with their separate plans. I found that extremely inconsiderate because 1) We both worked and house guests during the work week really screwed up our routine. 2) I was the one who cleaned and cooked and hosted. 3) It was almost a monthly request. I told him I found it weird that he didn't see the issue, especially from his view on the damn couch as I cleaned and cooked for his guests. So now, no more house guests.
disengaging, while about them
disengaging, while about them, is mostly about you. you do it to protect yourself, you do it to not be a doormat, you do it for you.
Amen to that!
Amen to that!
I will say that disengaing
I will say that disengaing does not make you a horrible person. I can understand how that can feel that way, believe me. Especially when you get negative reactions from those you Had to step away from intiially trying to make you feel that way , as if your decision was made just for the purpose of Punishing them or treating them badly. Anyone who wants to give you grief or suggest that you are "selfish" or heartless as if you should feel guilty, ( which has been my experience) because you stood up for yourself doesnt belong in your life as much as you can help it. No one should seriously expect you to revert to being unhappy or a good natured doormat for THEIR comfort! No more! As another poster asked...think about how much peaceful or happier your life is for not putting up with certain people? If you be honest with yourself and come to that conculsion, then Id say you are doing the right thing. Same when said people get that offended over you setting some limits, since that tells you thats the kind that you need to keep distance from so you make the correct choice.
Wise words...thank you.
Wise words...thank you.
You disengage to stop
Being disrespected by there family. How do you define disrespect. Showing late for holiday dinners. Boyfriends family dysfunction is valued over you [ Disrespect]. Liking the ex more [ Disrespect]. Not makeing you feel welcome at wedding, funeral. [ Disrespect]
ACTUALLY DH going to see SD without you is also disrespectful to you. Guest that where they learn it from. You are in a no win situation.
Yes, certainly feels like a
Yes, certainly feels like a no-win situation and it's not pleasant.
"Since he chose to protect
"Since he chose to protect his daughter from me for about 6 months, even while living together (I left if she came over)."
Did he ask you to leave when she came over so as to keep you apart? Then he wonders why you aren't accepted as his wife?
"Then, his oldest sister took the opportunity every time I saw her to tell me I need to love and take good care of her brother (my husband) because he's a special person who the whole family cherishes. Little do they know he has been a liar, cheater and pos to me throughout our relationship."
He has been a liar and cheater throughout your relationship? He sounds like a narcissist. No telling what he tells his family about you behind your back. Narcs like to triangulate.
Little do they know he has
Little do they know he has been a liar, cheater and pos to me throughout our relationship.
I'm sorry.. but this statement? If this is the case..why on earth do you stay with him.
His family isn't the problem.. HE is.
I've been disengaged from my
I've been disengaged from my DH's kids and family for over a year now (after 12 years of peace and happiness, or so I thought, as a blended family). In my case, DH disengaged with me. He has virtually no contact with his kids and mother, and zero contact with the rest of his family. Talk about feeling like a horrible person. The thing is, we only get one life to live, and I wasn't going to spend mine being married to half a person. When things hit the fan with DH's family (I won't go into all of the messy details, but it's all in my blog if you're interested), I would have completely understood if DH couldn't separate from them. I would have been heartbroken, but I would never have blamed him. At the end of the day, I refuse to leave space in my life for people who treat me badly. And I refuse to be married to someone who leaves space in their life for people who treat me badly. I'd rather be on my own than be married to someone who doesn't put me first. So he had to make a choice. And he did. And when I feel like a terrible person, I remind myself of that. HIS family put him in a terrible position. And HE had to make a choice between them and me. It's about their crappy conditional family relationships, not mine.
Are you saying he chose you?
Are you saying he chose you?
Unfortunately DH has to pick a side
Him playing both sides doesn't help anyone except him . He getting what he wants but nobody else is getting anything. When he entered a relationship with you, He knew how his DD was. 6 month to meet you. Where did SD think her father was living?
'wasn't going to be happy about this. But he choose to be with you. Now he's playing games. He made his choice he must back you. He's living with you. He must show you the respect you deserve.
What you are living is
What you are living is exactly why I do not support disengagement. My stand is just the opposite. Total confrontation of toxicity immediately upon them bringing that toxicity forward. Requiring that our mate is our mate above all else that they may be, and clear that the marriage is the sole top priority. Anyone else has standing based on what they earn with reasonable behavior and decency. If they are not reasonable and decent, they are written off and must face the full facts regarding their crap, and every legal, financial, and social consequence possible.
If the mate is not of sufficient character to stand at our side, they are write off a well.
IMHO of course.
No tolerance, total confrontation bringing every fact, legal weapon, financial weapon, and social weapon to bear resolves this kind of crap in short order. But only for as long as zero tolerance is practiced with extreme prejudice. Rather than tolerating their delusion on the "quality" of your chating abusive, neglectful DH, give his family the unadulterated facts.
I also do not tolerate sneaky void of character manipulative bullshit from anyone in the blended family mix regardless of who they may be. I would not tolerate it from my mate anymore than I would tolerate it from anyone else in the blended family mix regarless of who they may be.
Abandoning our place as equity life partner with out mate, tolerating them abandoning their place at our side, sniffing the asses of their toxic failed family progeny, sniffing the asses of their toxic family (our ILs), etc... I learned these lessons in my first marriage. My XW was a serial cheater, my XMIL was an eventually convicted federal felon, and I escaped before I was sucked fully into their toxic characterless family bullshit. I also blessedly did not sully my gene pool with my XW.
I've been pondering on this
I've been pondering on this post for a bit...for me I don't see disengagement as a double edged sword. For me disengagement brought peace, respect for myself and happiness. Before disengagement I was NOT treated like an equal family member, I was not considered - my feelings never mattered, constantly criticized and expected to do all the crappy stuff with no benefits. I was also always held responsible for everything wrong - no one else in the family viewed their behaviors and were responsible. When I look back I wasn't losing much if anything at all. It was very SCARY to do it at first but after a few more rejections and horrible behavior I got the message clearly that you want to show me and the world "I am not family." Why would I want to be subjected to that over and over again? Many of us feel the same way.
Your test should be: If they treat a perfect stranger better than you what exactly are you missing out on?
These days I am happy to see their lives move on and I take no interest in what's going on. I have a fullfilling life and I have redirected my energy. Take a look at what's going on and evaluate whether this has been good, fair or even beneficial to you. I bet my money that it has not.
I've moved past the anger I
I've moved past the anger I felt about disengaging. Now it's resentment (toward DH) but even that's rare. I too spent holidays running around to please him and his kids when all that got me was excluded. I was not welcome in their little world. DH would never do holiday things with me (Christmas concerts, plays, etc.) because they made him "too sad" without his kids. But the ONE year they came to visit us he pulled out all the stops. "For the grandchildren."
it's rarely an issue now since SD isn't speaking to him. And SS hasn't been to our house in ten years or more. DH can no longer travel by himself and since I won't go to see his kids, he's out of luck.
Oh well. I have no regrets. I'm sorry DH gets sad about it but I didn't create the mess and I can't clean up the mess.
Healthy outlook!
Healthy outlook!
Your post hits home. I feel
Your post hits home. I feel like we live very similar lives. I disengaged from both of my step kids(who are now adults) neither are allowed in my home, my husband is more than welcome to see them, just not in our home because I will never put myself in a position again to be disrespected because they were raised poorly. I tell my husband the same thing.... I didn't create the mess, I can't fix it. I am no longer interested in anything about them. I was.... but I was cursed at, my mom was treated poorly and my daughters as well
Yes!
Don't you think it improves the situation immensely when we acknowledge we did not create the situation...nor can we correct it. All we can do is set reasonable boundaries.
We all enter step parents hood
With out knowing what we are doing. No one unless they lived it can't understand it. And many of us who lived it can't fully understand it after many years of dysfunction. I believe that someone who divorced with kids , there something wrong with them to break up there family over there wants. .
'If the SO was good enough to have kids with, there are good enough to stay until the kids are older, and develop to adults
SP have a major problem fitting in. You disengaging, was a safety mechanism, to make your life function. We pay the bills . Clean, cook, and don't like to be disrespected . We don't run a flop house. Our SO are so guilty that they take crap and kiss there kids a$$. Because they know the happy family they wanted is gone. Forever.
You did what you had to do to survive. At this point there nothing you can do. You will continue to live your life the way you haved. It's not your fault. You didn't divorce, and then started a new relationship you could not handle.
No body wants to disengage.
We do this to protect ourselves from dysfunctionaism of Steplife. To maintain our mentally sanity in life. We will not alow other people to run us in circle's. Not to give of ourselves and our money and tine to be disrespected. Time and time again
As bad as disengagement is its better then being used .
I would not tolerate a
I would not tolerate a partner who backed me into such a tight corner with their hell spawned failed parenting, failed family progeny, failed adulthood, failure to engage in the relationship, and failure to protect their mate and marriage to the level that forced me to disengage. If they are that much of a failure in their lives........
Good riddance to the source along with the product.
No one with this kind of baggage is not responsible for that situation. They are responsible for it either in whole or in part. At some level
Either way, not worthy of being my partner, or anyone elses for that matter. If they do not step up and solve the problem, then I can solve in in my life instantly and permanently. I cannot rescue them or their kids. It is not my responsibility. It is theirs.
IMHO of course.
Disengagement is for your good
It most likely not effect the person/ persons your disengaging from. These are people who you will never be friends with in the real world. You have the satisfaction of not helping that person you are disengaging from. You are not cooking, cleaning, taking them places, giving them gifts and money.
IF your SO doesn't understand and makes it them against you, you will be lonely. But you do have time to make new friends get new roads to go down. Volunteer for a good group. Food bank. Free meals group. Where good people volunteer. Once you start ant network you can find places you really enjoy beaning at. With good people. Getting away from all the toxic dysfunctional family