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Disengaging did not help

Denver Mama's picture
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What good is disengaging when my Step daughter is still ruining my marriage???  I have 3 kids with my husband and really really do not want a divorce. 

My 18 yr old step daughter hates me and wants nothing to do with me. We had an awesome relationship for 8 years and then all of a sudden when she turned 17 she said she didn’t have a reason but just didn’t like me said horrible untrue things about me, was extremely disrespectful to me, and did some very dishonest things. This all caused serious problems in our marriage, plus he was very dishonest with me when it came to her and we went to counseling to save our marriage. Ultimately he finally put his foot down which caused her to get mad and leave (to her moms-she chose to leave we didn’t kick her out although she told everyone I kicked her out) and cut off all communication with both of us. No contact for over a year and everything has been peaceful and our marriage has been great. Now she is a senior and started talking to him again, after ignoring all his attempts at communication for all this time (I think it’s pretty interesting that she only started answering him when she wanted him to buy her things). I’m having a really hard time with all of this as she and her boyfriend owe us thousands of dollars because of some crap they pulled we had to pay for (bank fraud), this girl put me through HELL, and no matter how many times I hear that I need to just love her or I need to try and see her how Christ sees her I just see an irresponsible manipulative selfish person and I get physically ill when I hear her name or think about her. I found out yesterday that my husband has been taking my kids to see her and take her shopping. I got upset and asked him about it and if she has said anything about paying back the money and he told me it’s none of my business and he doesn’t have to tell me anything. I also just found out my husband has been talking to her about helping to buy her a car which we can’t afford, plus he promised me before that because of what she has done he would never help her get a car. I am so upset and sad and mad and I just don’t know what to do. I went through a horrible depression because of what she put me through and the strain on my marriage and I feel like it’s all going to happen again. I don’t even know what to say to him. I cried all day yesterday I felt like all the hurt and anger just came flooding back. I need advice please.

Booboobear's picture

Wow!  

Why would your husband treat you that way, going behind your back and reward her with visits with the kids without you, and presents for her bad behavior of telling untrue things about you and making poor financial decisions? 

Why is he not on the same page as you with protecting your children from false accusations that she may come up with? 

why would he think he is solely responsible to make financial decisions without his wife?

Does he not realize that she is almost child support aged out and if he were to pay CS to you, It would be based on his full income, not scraps after her CS is paid to her BM? 

Do you also realize that if you were not together anymore, he would be taking them to see your SD without you anyway, and might even leave her alone with them?  you will lose control of being totally in charge of your children, but it seems like that is the case already.  

Why do you not get to have part control of your kids or your money? 

Denver Mama's picture

I hadn’t thought about The fact that he would be able to do whatever with my kids if we got a divorce. I just don’t want to believe that divorce is a valid option but i feel so Betrayed. Now I feel like if we get past this issue it will only happen again and again because she is not going to go away. And I feel like every time I have to think about her heb the band aid comes off my own hurt and loss, in addition to the anger because I lost a daughter too I loved her as my own. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I understand it’s hurtful, you are in a somewhat similar situation to what I was in (except you could add in laws etc in to the situation). 

My situation was too far gone to rescue, I am getting a divorce. 

My advice to you is to keep tabs on where partner takes bio kids,  if he takes the kids to see step daughter it would be respectful to you for it to be a joint decision. 

If you wish to stay disengaged, do so, and you are fully entitled to say that he can see step daughter but out of your shared home, if you wish. 

Other than that, try not to think about her too much. She’s not worth the time and energy, and don’t give her the satisfaction of even thinking she’s creating a problem in the relationship. 

You can always keep reassessing the situation as necessary. 

If he’s going back on promises that is a bit of an issue, so I can see why you would a bit emotionally unsettled. 

 

 

Denver Mama's picture

set foot in this house because she hates me so much. I think that’s part of why I’m upset he took the kids to see her. I thought maybe she would want to see them and meet her sister and maybe eventually she would at least come to say hello.  It’s now I know he will allow her to see them and never ever have to see or apologize or acknowledge me.  And the biggest part is acting like anything having to do with her is a big secret he never has to tell me about. I thought marriages were about not keeping things from each other. And him going back on promises makes me thing this never ending cycle is how I will get to spend the rest of my life. 

tog redux's picture

Your husband's dishonesty and inability to set limits with his daughter is the real issue here. SD is only behaving how he's enabling her to behave.

Rags's picture

Your DH's throwing the "none of your business" card should immediately having you dialing the police to get them involved in the bank fraud activity.  Put the 18yo and her BF in prison and when your DH says a word play his card back to him "Its none of (his) business".

Once Princess is in prison the whole landscape will change. Particularly when you rekey the locks and nail STBXH's ass to the wall for CS for your three kids, sue him for participating in SD's fraud, and put him on the curb.

Where he belongs with the rest of the garbage.  This man is not your husband. He is your tormenter.

Missingme's picture

Boom!  Rags has wise advice.  I'd do just exactly what he said!  His daughter is scum and for some strange reason, he enables the scum.  Put them out of commission and make your husband face what he helped to create in her!    

trying to cope's picture

unfortunately because they were minors they had zero consequence, and because we covered the amount owed to the bank that was the end of it. Unless of course they ever pay it back, which they wont. Your last two sentences really have me thinking. 

sammigirl's picture

THIS!

Missingme's picture

Denver, I have feelings of total empathy for what you're going through.  You are in a catch 22 situation if ever I heard it.  I know this girl sickens you, even the mention of her name, but you have to find a way to inteject yourself back into the equation, imo.  You need to "want" to be with them all.  It empowers her that you're sitting home while she, her dad, and siblings are all out having fun without you.  Be there, as much as it galls you, so it galls her more!  Your husband isn't being a good husband.  In fact, I believe he's a little sick in his mind over his oldest daughter.  Why is he so compelled to enable her over you, his wife?  Hmmm, makes me wonder what took place in history...  Anyway, I say you try the above since you don't realliy want to get a divorce and leave your children totalliy unsupervised in HIS and HER presences.  I'd be too afraid to allow that.  So, for the time being, stay and be involved for the sake of your children, their safety.  The more they do things without, the more they'll grow away from you in some respects.  It's also teaching them to be sneaky behind your back if you think about it.  I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation, but if you take some of the reigns back by "happily" insisting on being a part, you may feel better mentally.  If you didn't have kids with your husband, I would be telling you to continue the disengagement, but, unfortunately, you can't, imo.  Also, I hope you'll consider seeing a quality therapist to help you keep your sanity.  There's no shame in it.  It's smart!  And, of course, obedience to God and faith in His provision.  (((hugs)))

Siemprematahari's picture

* Separate Finances ASAP

* Your H has been lying to you, disrespecting you with the "not your business" BS, and has no regard to anything you feel or say. You have three kids with him, since he likes spending so much money and could care less about what his daughter did (bank fraud) I'm sure him paying Child Support for 3 children and/or Alimony will change his tune since he treats you like you're irrelevant. Yes, I know this is not a route you want to tread but if this continues what are you left to do? What are your other options since you are married to a man that is catering to his daughter and placing her wants & needs above you?

MissTexas's picture

the wives here feel the SD's are the "mistress" or the "wives" and we are the children. Somewhere along the way the roles shifted and nobody told us.

Sounds like your DH is suffering from divorced daddy guilt. He will go to his grave trying to please her in an effort to make amends and make it up to her. My DH was the same for a very long time. He also once told me that what goes on between his kids and in the family business etc. was NONE of my business. I quickly corrected him, reminding him as long as I wear his ring, THEN EVERYTHING HE DOES IS MY BUSINESS. Nothing to do with our marriage is SD's business , but he triangulated our marriage by putting her front and center and sharing things with her he really shouldn't. And with your marriage, EVERYTHING IS YOUR BUSINESS ALSO. If he has nothing to hide, why does he keep things from you? My DH also did this, and it was just so hurtful and frustrating. It got the where I never wanted them to talk to each other or be alone together, because when they were, he'd come back sounding just like her, and he would minimize my feelings all the while saying, "You made SD cry." That was the first time I'd called BS on her manipulative shit.Oh, yeah? What about my tears? There's nobody there to notice and dry my tears.

It may be ultimatum time.Stand your ground.

sammigirl's picture

Set some boundaries for yourself.  Make yourself first.  

Call bullshit to them.  Tell them you are no longer playing the game.  Tell them it is your rules now.  

I did this.  I told DH to move out, move in with his DD, and not to let the door hit him in the butt.  

I totally disengaged from it all.  When I stood up and got their attention, it began to change.  That was six years ago.  Lots of tears, hurt feelings, and working my mental state thru has brought back my life.

You have to take charge of your own life.

Hugs!

p.s.   it is not easy...

RAJ C's picture

I get your pain and hopefully things will get better again your husband is wrong in many respects but he may not realize it. I think you and your husband need to talk and get a few things clear. Many times at the moment of a big crisis (sucha as when your SD left the house) things are not set clear and communication between people is not the best. Moreover when you decide to disengage you also loose control over certain decisions dealing with stepkids as long as they are within reason.

First, of all he says it si none of your business and he clearly is wrong for many reasons. First, any spent money on her if you have common finances, or if that expenditure affects your household, should be discussed with you. Second, if he is talking and seeing her daughter he should not hide it from you even if you are disengage (he has the right to see her but should not hide it from you) THird, if he is taking  your kids to see SD he should inform you and have your permission.

In terms of money if you have common finances I would advise to separate them, make a household budget and whatever he has left he can use with SD. If you or he do not want to keep separate finances then he should not spend money without you knowing.

In terms of him meeting SD, talk about it. He has a right to see and talk to her if he wants to try and fix thing with her (or if he wants to be her doormat) but ehn you should know he is seeing her.

In terms of him taking your kids to see her you should be able to limit this (what type of activities are done, where they can meet, etc) and if you are concerned for their safety they should not see SD. She is a role model to your kids so you are very much able to set limits that you feel confortable that SD will not be a bad influnce on them (this goes even if you decide to divorce)

Talking and setting things straight may lead to a good outcome where everyone ois confortable with each other behavior. If you can't agree on important issues by talking about them then I would advise to find an exit plan. 

In terms