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Disengaging from a clingy child

Pasir's picture
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First of all, i feel awful. For a long time now I have struggling to be a good stepparent but I was not prepared for this situation at all. My stepchild has a lot of problems and I am not the right person to deal with this. My home is a chaos and I feel worn out. I told my DH we must get our own apartments because I am done. I love them both but I can't live like this. I need my home to be a calm place where I can reload. I have my own problems to deal with, a career and my own child to take care of. The baggage is to much to handle, both with his kid and ex. 

The kid lives with us full time and have a lot of tantrums, never do as we say, makes a total mess every meal and everything is sticky and smelly. There is food all over the place every day, no toiletpaper or hand washing after bathroom visits and running around naked. Mealtime is screaming, throwing food. Hitting us. Hits my child and screams. Wants constant attention or else she starts to climb on top of us or talks louder and louder until she gets attention. Even if I'm in the middle of a business meeting...

And also, underneath that, a really warm loving kid. Who likes to cuddle and always wants to be near. Insecure and filled with anxiety. She follows me around and want my love and attention all the time and I get mixed emotions. I want to help her and I've love but also I am so tired of this that i can't even stand to hear her voice. I get stressed out when she comes home and I just want to lock myself in a closet and stay there all day... 

They are moving but how do I cope for the months until then? What kind of person am I to feel resentment against a child who loves me? How do I say no to someone who screams for my attention? And if I don't take care of all the mess at home then I am the one running around in this sticky, smelly house. I feel like I am going to explode... Help me.

SteppedOut's picture

Why is it going to take months for him to move? How many months? 

Is his kid in therapy? Is there something wrong with the child or is your SO just a crappy parent?

Do not feel bad for making them move out... I got anxiety reading your post. Shame on him for moving in before he had his kid in a manageable state. 

 

Pasir's picture

I don't know... He is just sad that i don't want to live together anymore and I hope we will get through this. He does not at all see that there is something wrong, he thinks it will go away as she gets older but I can see that it has escalated with age. Her preschool need extra help with her and also there he think it's nothing wrong, that they just have inexperienced people working there. Big denial! So I am the bad guy and they are the victim here. He is kind of depressed about the whole situation with his ex and having a really intese child to take care of so nothing happens, she needs help but I can't do that for her. He has to, but first he needs to see clearly. 

 

Thanks, feels comforting to hear you say that.

SteppedOut's picture

You made the right choice. If he thinks "nothing is wrong with my child", it will never get better - and it will keep getting worse. 

Please do not let him stall moving out... not only is this not fair to you, but it is not fair to YOUR child. 

He can be "depressed" all he wants, in his own damn house. He is "depressed" becausr he is going to have to manage hus feral child all on his own! 

Winterglow's picture

Tell him to drop the sadness and pull his head out of his behind. He is a crappy parent if he can't see that his child needs help. He is also a crappy parent if he does see that his child needs help but doesn't want people to think he has a child who is "different", who is not "normal" (in his mind). I firmly believe that he is very aware of his child's needs (you want him to move out and have made it clear why - how can he not see what is wrong?) but chooses to ignore them in the hope that they will magically go away. Frankly, he does not love his child nearly half as much as he thinks he does or he'd focus on her and not his feelings.

Findthemiddle's picture

The situation you describe sounds terrible and not healthy for you or your child.   Just do what is best for you - don't feel guilty- it's not your problem to solve- you aren't your sd's parent.  

Pasir's picture

We are both stressed out. My kid also needs a calm place so I am giving him that, this ain't working at all. Thank you.

Disengageme's picture

I'm so sorry. I can feel how stressed you are from what you said and I can sort of relate. My ss11 isn't a bad kid and doesn't stay with us full time. But he shows up uninvited and has for almost four years. He's always filthy and smells so bad. He's covered in dog and cat hair and even after repeated talks about his hygiene he still comes back wearing the same clothes and socks. It's disgusting and I have a three month old now. He is jealous of him and beats on the walls until he wakes him up. He lays on the couch or in the babies nursery which used to be his room that he never even used. Dh refuses to see that this kid does any wrong. He doesn't live in a healthy environment. His grandparents are in their 80s and can no longer care for him. His mom lives in a shack beside them and won't even walk over and makes sure he's bathed. I know before long it's gonna come down to him having to live with us and that's when my marriage will be over. Dh expects me to discipline. He expects me to love this child but I harbor so much resentment after all the years of him misbehaving. He leaves food everywhere. Only eats pizza and chips. He will make sure he eats the entire bag and scopes the kitchen out for chips as soon as he gets here. He lives close and came last weekend walking with his older sister in tow. She caused a lot of trouble for my husband and we no longer allow her to come here. Well I watched on the security camera as she stomps right up on my porch and comes to my door. Ss11 I'm sure invited her to come see the baby. Last time he brought her to my door dh told him not to do it again. She was not to be welcomed into our home. I think he does it for spite. But I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such a shame these men refuse to see what selfish entitled monsters they're creating. 

Winterglow's picture

"it's gonna come down to him having to live with us"

As your DH's rights were terminated, the chances are that your SS might go into the foster system... 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It sounds like a better situation for all involved. You will be less stressed not dealing with the behavior and issues daily and it will make for a better relationship with both SO and SD. 

I have enjoyed my break from SKs so much that any feelings of anger or animosity are now gone. By no means do I ever I want to live with them again. But I would definitely have better interactions with then if they came to visit. 

Pasir's picture

I wish we can get there too! I hope that the anger and resentment will fade out when we move apart. I adored her at first so maybe we can get back to that place.

failuretolaunch's picture

This is just crap and not your responsibilty to sort out or have to deal with. If he can't sort her out it's his problem, but it becomes yours if you allow them to live there. Luckily you have the ace card otherwise you'd just have to put up and shut up like a lot of us here if leaving isn't an option.

hereiam's picture

So, what is up with the BM? Does she even see the child? She definitely sounds like she has issues, like RAD, maybe?

He does not at all see that there is something wrong, he thinks it will go away as she gets older

He needs to re-think that. How can he not see that something is wrong? And now, you are wanting to live separately because of it, he still doesn't see that something is wrong?

There is nothing wrong with living separately, he needs to deal with his child and get that sorted. It's not fair for you to have to deal with it. Living separately can actually save the relationship.

failuretolaunch's picture

I've know a parent who clearly has an autistic child, turns out both of them are but for years and years she just ignored it. She knew something was wrong, my partner had a long chat with her one day when she was crying about it all to help her. She started the process of diagnosis and then just stopped. Denial is a very powerful thing,

'They'll be fine, they'll grow out of it, nothing to see here.'

Sometimes kids don't grow out of things unless given help and they just get worse. Too late then.

Greatlove's picture

In my profession I work with children with autism in the school setting. My very first thought also was that this child could be on the spectrum. Please get her tested and then take advantage of all the support that's offered.

Rags's picture

You don't say no to the person screaming for  your attention. You say no to the screaming.

There is no need to hate a Skid, even the most stinky, loud, irritating progenty of a failed family immaginable.  Focus on the behaviors and focus your prior relationship breeding mate on solving those issues in his failed family progeny.

Put this on the source of the problem.  On your SO.

 

0o00o000o00o0's picture

I have no good advice to offer you. But I just wanted to say that you are not alone with that guilt of feeling resentment for a skid who loves you. I can't stand my SD, even though she seems to likes me. She is a selfish, bossy, ungrateful entitled brat. She ruins most of our activities and vacation with her bad moods, temper tantrums and defiant attitude. And when she is in a better mood, she screams, makes annoying noises, signs loud and babbles nonsense ALL the damn time. She never shuts up. When she is not following me around like a dog, she observes me like a circus curiosity head to feet and makes remarks about my body, hair, clothes, make-up, nail polish, etc because she is unhealthily obsessed with appearance. So yes, I can't stand her, even if I feel awful saying it, because I never thought I could hate a child before. Truth is, kids are used to be loved unconditionally by their parents and expect the same from stepparents. But for us, they are just like any random kid. So when SD comes for a "huuuggg" after behaving like a complete jerk for hours, she doesn't get why there is no way in hell I want to hug her. So yeah, I feel you...

Rags's picture

You are not a bad person. You are just married to a shitty parent, failed partner, failed father, and failed man.

Move the move out date up on the calendar or ..... make it perfectly clear that your DH has to control his daughter while she is in your home.  Control her in a manner that does not interfere in your work, your child's peace and well being, and does not adversely impact your home or family. (Read that as stink, scream, cling, etc....)

VixenMom83's picture

I am in sorta the same boat. I have 3 kids 19, 13 and 6. Two boys and one girl and none of my kids where super bratty (beyond the regular please mom stuff lol). But most importantly none of them was clingy, crying every second we dont hold her or anything like that. 

Anyhow my SD is almost 2, and I love her to death, I really do. In fact most of my first year living with my BF has been really nice. But over the past two months this almost two year old screams all day. I try to help my BF and tell him how to address it, but he doesn't listen. He always thinks the best course of action is picking her up or constantly asking you want this or you want that or whatever. I'm like dude let her figure it out. 2 years old is the age of exploration and learning some independence this child is simply learning everyone should run to her the moment she whines. You can tell its completely fake tears. Its mom and dads both first child and you can easily tell because this child is already having crying fits that last forever until dad picks her up. I have tried to teach him to redirect her or anything, but he goes right back to the same ole. 

I'm hiding in the tub right now because she is screaming. I honestly dont know how to make him see he is creating a kid that will have zero independence. We literally have been talking about having a baby of our own, and I cant, i cant do this if he isnt willing to let his 2 year old grow up some. Imagine that screaming with a newborn in the house. No way. Other than that she is a smart, bright great child and she is 2 so there is time to change this outcome.