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Disengagement backlash

Mumofsix22's picture

I posted a while ago about a lot of issues the blended had. 3Skids 2 bios and 1 ours. Toxic co parents on both sides however skids mum is racist and was spoken to by police on end to stop. I saw escalation in teenage skid disrespect toward me and no longer tolerated so decided to disengage.

now I have;

1. Skid saying I'm "holding a grudge" because she tried to block me for attention whilst abroad with her dad so I just blocked her back and left it as that to avoid any need for further dispute

2. Not friendly enough to her when she visits - I told her I have a boundary and respect her dad lives with me and she is treated the same as all children but won't have my attentions for disrespectful behaviour

so dad thinks I need to re engage her. And he also has planned our whole weekend around her... new hobby drop off, hair done in hairdressers, then drop off to party etc with no communication on what the other 5 kids are doing around this. I'm annoyed he hasn't communicated and he is saying I have an issue cause he's paying for her hair to be done. Well I do and don't. He's very generous to us all, but he is clearly used by teen and I think it's more the sneakyness that irks me and no communication at all.

Am I doing disengagement wrong cause I feel more at peace with my life just harbouring resentment that I don't want to feel I think.






skidpeace's picture

I have not read enough about this disengagement yet to give excellant advice. I do feel what you are talking about. I personally feel when they have outbursts like they do, and dad runs to have one on one, because he has guilt, he is encouraging poor behavior. When he is spending our money to do it, or neglecting to reward behaved children he is only attending the squeaky wheel. I am thinking we are not supposed to get involved to let them create these evil monsters and say nothing. I need to find out more about this. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you must feel. Maybe treat yourself to something special, you definitely deserve it.

Yesterdays's picture

When people are that toxic you need boundaries. End of story. That is the reason the boundaries are in place and required.... The people who get mad about your having boundaries are the ones who benefited from your having none. Stay disengaged 

Yesterdays's picture

I think part of the disengagement would be telling their dad that you don't want to hear about their negative reactions and whatnot. Thing is, people might not like your boundaries. But they are set for a reason. Tell him you don't want to hear about his kids complaining etc. They are really negative and it's detrimental. For your own mental health and wellbeing. 

shamds's picture

Will be welcomed and will get friendly behaviour back.

be a toxic a-hole, rude, disrespectful etc you don't get a welcoming attitude. Just civility if you have manners. Don't expect more from me is what i tell my husband regarding his daughters. I made it clear people don't want to be around people like his daughters or have their holidays and weekend outings ruined by their repeated disrespect, rudeness and miniwife behaviour. 

4 plus yrs ago i put boundaries up that i would not be around sd's anymore. Nothing about their behaviour has changed so i don't see why i should have to be welcoming and start a blank slate when nothing about them has changed.

In fact eldest sd back in mid 2019 called daddy with some bullshit sob story that guilted daddy for marrying me and having 2 kids with me who were 2 & 3.5 despite sd's cutting off contact for 5.5 yrs with their dad and the reality is they chose to end their relationship, me and their dad met and got married and had kids. I was angry that my husband did not call out sd on her bullshit accusations that me and our 2 toddlers were why she has no relationship with dad when she ended contact but hubby and his family are in denial and often refuse to call them out on their bullshit to keep the peace. It gives skids this false reality because they are not called out on their bs. 

i live in the real world, if you want me to say nice things about you, then don't be an a-hole. Its that simple. 

my husband didn't feel the need to search for them and make contact to let them know he was marrying me because they made a choice. My husband also repeatedly attempted to arrange meets only for them to cancel last minute to the point they weren't reliable to make plans on and it meant we couldn't spend time together ss i was o/seas finishing my studies

i remember my husband sulking saying if he knew they wouldn't follow through with the meet up that he would have booked a flight ti see me and our 2 kids. I told him every meet up or visit ends in last minute cancellations or rescheduling expecting us to cowtow to them. The fact hubby was in denial of this was his problem.

since then we make plans, they don't get changed or cancelled for sd's. Hubby doesn't arrange for them to be on holidays or outings with us. I have been firmly clear that i want nothing to do with them.

Survivingstephell's picture

When boundaries are put in place they WILL be tested.  I believe that is what is going on. They want see if you mean them.  Dad is in a panic.  I'd be more pissed at him for not backing you up and expecting you to eat his shit sandwich.  

Boundaries can be lonely at times but at the end of day, if you give them up will you like the reflection in the mirror?   Change doesn't happen overnight, if ever with highly toxic individuals.  

You are taking away their favorite punching bag toy.  They are upset about that.  Of course they will react/change tactics.  You were an easy target. Not so much anymore.  

Yesterdays's picture

Agreed. You have put up a healthy boundary. And they don't like it. Why? Because they can no longer abuse that boundary. They're mad about that. Stick with your knowledge that the boundary is in place for that reason. To protect yourself from their toxicity. You don't deserve the step kid disrespect. You don't need to re engage as your partner suggests. You need to keep at bay from them. Disassociate from them. 

CajunMom's picture

This is what's to be expected when you put a boundary in place. Disengagment is a boundary. She's pushing back, trying to break through. We only lessen or remove boundaries when we see changed behavior. So, ask your DH...what's changed? (a great question posed on another post). YOur SD is experiencing consequences of her crappy behavior towards you and she doesn't like it. Be a kind, nice person and you won't have people disengaging from you, SD. 

CLove's picture

Youve really been through the ringer! I read your previoius posts.

What I can say about disengagement is that its about boundaries as well as cutting people off from your caring attentions. Your husband needs to also separate his relationship between you two and not tell you anything about her.