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Disengaged and starting a new life

Marianne's picture
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I've posted about now 32 year old SD from Hades and needed to vent--needed the validation that she was as horrible a person as I thought she was, and celebrate that after 15 years, DH sees her for the sociopath she is. DH loved his daughter to the point that I knew I was in second place. I accepted this and held my tongue because he did not have much interaction with her the seven years we dated. After our marriage, SD was in full silent treatment mode. Though we did not see her, she was very much in our lifes as DH was devastated. During the 15 years , DH started slipping mentally and was finally diagnosed with a form of dementia. This selfish young woman lost her dad the years she ghosted him. I moved from middle age to old. Slowly, she did start to visit, but always with the shittiest attitude. I've been reading about adult children of narcissistic parental alienation and she seems to be the product of this: Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them. It was severe abuse. What brought the situation to an end was SD's greed and impatience as well as her grandiosity. The evening she came to her dad with an ultimatum and he picked me was a new dawn. It took 15 years. I stayed--should I have? I became more caregiver than wife after seven years of marriage--starting in 2014 when I stopped working. Watching her manipulate DH while enduring her under-the-breath bitch comments and cobra stares was no fun. SD did her best to undermine me and destroy my marriage, but she cracked before I did--simple as that. I want to gloat, get my energy, vibrancy, and zest for life back and run down the street laughing or drink a bottle of champagne toasting myself again and again. To celebrate our freedom from abuse, we need to stop ruminating over what is lost. Today, it is my goal to start new habits toward finding myself anew.

reedle2021's picture

So incredibly happy for you!  I hope you and DH enjoy your new start - it's never too late!  SD will live a life full of anger, negativity, and unhappiness.  Karma's a b&tch.

Smile

Ki2619's picture

I'm so excited for you! You both are going to really enjoy not having this stressor in your life anymore.  

CLove's picture

Sometimes I wonder if SD23 Feral Forger is like that with everyone, or just me. I think everyone.

Your Sd does indeed sound like a narc sociopath. Glad you are sharing your stories - people out "there" need to read them!

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

WAY TO GO Marianne! Go grab life back, get your zest and enthusiasm back, and unshackle yourself from this toxic dynamic!!! Mine is not as dramatic but what you highlighted in italics is 1000% true. Horrible SKIDDO behavior eventually we all grow tired of it and the great thing is to let go and focus on you and your DH. I've done the same! There is not a thang SKIDDO and DIL can do that I give a flipping damn about - sometimes I'll get mad at their lack of gratitude, grace, manners, respect, etc...but that is me falling back into old thought patterns and rumination. I realize they really have very little impact, influence or any sort of anything in my life. HOORAY !!!!! 

RL1989's picture

I'm so pleased for the poster that they have reached a good point on what sounds like a really difficult journey. 

In no way am I attacking the poster, but I'm interested in people's views of this attitude as a syndrome. As in the quote included above, there seems a great need in these times to slap a label on what I would consider simply spiteful and nasty behaviour. I think that some of these quasi-medical diagnoses shift the blame away from young adults who are more than equipped in most instances to choose their path and moderate their attitudes. I know in a lot of circumstances there are genuine medical/psychological problems, but to blanket bad behaviour and make people who exercise it unaccountable is dangerous. Where does it stop? Swearing at other road users derangement syndrome? Being unpleasant to work colleagues disorder?

Would welcome any views. And again, well done Marianne, I wish you very well.

Rags's picture

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome? | Study.com

Though I entirely agree with you that there is a never ending cycle oexcuses  paraded by both idiot failed parents to provide an excuse for the crap behavioral choices of their failed family progeny.  Throw  in the pseudo-science semi-professionals who have to make shit up to stay employed and there are any number of excuses for asshole adult CODs, Skidults, etc.... to avoid accountability for their crap behavioral choices.

PAS is categorically the crap that a shit parent loads their children up with to demonize the other parent.  The rest... is shit choices by shit kids who become shit adults because of shit parents.

IMHO of course.