Disengaged and feeling guilt
I've probably been unconsciously disengaging from both my SD's (17 & 20) for several years now. I was getting to a place I was so aggravated with things I started pulling away. My husband has always been a good provider but very disconnected to his kids. I've picked up his slack since the beginning of us from 13 years ago. I've also picked up the BM's slack due to her only wanting to be a part-time parent and even on her part-time I was still picking up part of that it felt.
I always had a good relationship with BM. However over the years I've became increasingly frustrated with her selfishness and it affecting my life. In December when she tried pushing my SD20 into our basement to live with us full-time because she said she didn't have room for her and I chose to have boundaries which created a HUGE argument (you can read here: https://www.steptalk.org/node/242621)there has been a huge unspoken rift between myself and both of my SD's. My husband didn't handle the situation the best because he does not like confrontation, especially with the ex!
Since this time my youngest SD17 has started coming less and less for her week long visitations. I know it's because I put my foot down to SD20 moving in with us. (BTW, reasoning SD20 needed somewhere to go was she had been living with her long time boyfriend and he decided to kick her out to pursue others)
Well the last few weeks SD17 hasn't came at all for visitation. My husband who is about as disconnected as a parent can be doesn't reach out to her unless I suggest it and doesn't follow up with her in any regard. Because I've always been the one to pick up his slack and be the "fixer" and since I've really had to step back from all of this I am carrying great guilt.
I know this probably sounds crazy because in all honesty I know in my heart this isn't my problem but his. He has never been connected, attached or had any kind of true relationship with his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. He never picks up the phone to call them, make arrangements to hang out, check in on them, nothing. He is a workaholic and gone most of the time so it has always fell on me. I know for my own sanity I need to step away from this situation and probably let the cards fall where they may but I know BM and SD's will not only blame DH but also me because I am no longer "trying" to continue to facilitate a relationship with them. I'm just at my ropes end honestly with all of them. I have my own two young adult children that I need to focus on.
Has anyone ever felt guilt over disengaging and what skids think or feel?