This didn’t age well
Hi all.
It's been 2 years since my last post. This title says it all. Sigh. Onto the topic at hand & how disengaging has officially back fired and I'm now facing an ultimatum. Please help me.
In short, the last 2 years has been... rough. That's sort of an understatement. I went from forum to form, stepparent group to stepparent group trying to find support to fit my situation and here I am: even more lost. What other people do hasn't worked in my family dynamic. It has actually completely backfired. I'm seriously at my wits end and don't even know what to do.
I am resentful, frustrated and feel unheard. In the first year of our relationship/ first year into our marriage, I tried very hard with SD9. I took her everywhere with me, I tried bonding with her, I tried everything. Crafts, baking, shopping, sporting events. I was met with rejection and harsh words. I quickly learned what NACHO was, all the while DH had this huge expectation after we got married that I be "MOM" to his child. BM is out of prison but nonetheless still making poor choices and is not involved. NACHO to me meant supporting DH and expecting him to take the reigns when he was around, however if he was not home due to work or whatever the case, I was in charge. She mostly listened to me but remained snarky in DH presence. I have been going to therapy for over a year now to deal with my stress, and it has helped but I'm still at a loss. When I did try to parent her with his permission, he told me I was too harsh and SD9 felt like I don't love her and am just mean to her, that I go out of my way to ignore her and don't show her any love. Complete manipulation.
The relationship SD9 and I have is.... complicated. I don't actively seek a connection with her, as I had tried before and it didn't work. You can't force something that isn't there. So I stepped back and let her come to me. I didn't ask her how school went. DH always does. I would show up to every school event and game she had. I would still buy her clothes as she needed, buy us all dinner when we would go out, talk to her if she needed anything, allow her to come with me places if she asked, make sure she was doing what she needed to do minimally. I just didn't go out of my way for the 1 on 1. I spent last Christmas making sure she had plenty to open and felt the spirit.; she hasn't touched anything I got her to this day. We make her little baskets with Valentine's Day and Easter. I even bought her a few books l loved when I was her age. It hasn't stopped her from making snarky comments at times. And it hasn't stopped DH from deciding I am deficient in my "motherly" duties.
In the process of disengaging and parenting when necessary, I have become a recluse. My parenting duties really are I only ask for her to do her chores and be respectful, both at home and out to dinner, not to interrupt adults when they're talking and cleanup after herself. I spend so much time in my bed room to stay away. I am now met with "you don't want to be apart of this family, you cringe every time my daughter is around, you're cold to her, you don't try, she needs love from you, your whole tone changes when she tells you she loves you, you don't get excited to be around her, you're her only mother; how do you think that makes me feel as a father?" Every effort made unacknowledged and he always blames me for everything, citing, "she's just a child" and it's all my fault.
I have begged him for 2.5 years now to get her into therapy, to no avail. I have been the only caregiver to enforce boundaries and stick with them. I do not tolerate her being rude and disrespectful. Overall, she is not a bad child, however I am burnt out. Every thing I do, say, don't say, don't do - is scrutinized.
I honestly struggle with trying to get past, well, the past. She really doesn't treat me the way she used to, she is better and has come to me more lately in the last 4 months. She is almost 10 and trying to navigate through her body and feelings. But I am very reserved. I find it extremely difficult to show the full blown loving side of myself to her because of the horrible mistreatment in the past. My husband told me this morning that I need to work on my demeanor towards her, quickly at that, or our marriage is over. I explained to him I needed to take steps back and he told me I don't get to do that. I'm the adult and I need to be better. He doesn't try to empathize with me and has such unrealistic & unattainable expectations. I can't become perky overnight and I certainly don't know how to, I guess, function anymore. I feel now that I'm going to be even more watched and every single move I make is going to be counted against me. It's like a cruel test that I'm being set up to fail. I'm seriously damned.
if anything, I need help with the last part - getting over the past and trying to trust the process. Am I cold to SD? No, I don't think so. Could I try harder? Absolutely. I just feel stuck. My husband just doesn't seen to understand the strain he puts on me and how much I am struggling. It's all on me, all the time.
It's patently unfair when he
It's patently unfair when he has high expectations and requireemnts of you .. but it doesn't apply to his child. yes.. child.. and there is going to be allowance as she learns. But he allowed her snarky behavior towards you. allowed her to rebuff your attempts rudely.
You have asked for all the reasonable things.. counseling.. his support. but he won't support you.
he's set the bar too high for
he's set the bar too high for you to ever clear it.
My husband told me this
It may be time to start planning your exit.
Your problem is your DH. He
Your problem is your DH. He needs the counseling and you need couples therapy to help him navigate his completely unrealistic expectations for you. I don't know if he can see how damaging and toxic his behavior is, not only to your marriage but for his daughter as well.
He needs a reality check
He's a big part of the problem.
Did he marry a wife or someone to mother his child? Both are possible, but it's not a cake walk.
Over the years I've had to figure out how to respond to my husband talking to me in ways I find inappropriate and unacceptable. Its taken a while because it caught me off guard. Not anymore.
Find your self worth, first. Know you don't deserve ultimatums from him because you're not meeting his standards with his child.
Kids are tough, whether its bios or steps. This kid also has to be instructed by her dad on behavior that's unacceptable in her treatment of you, someone who wants to be part of her life and love her. That won't be possible until his daughter is told to mind her manners and act right.
As for your husband, let him know you're not hired help. Nor are you actually this girls mom. You're trying to navigate this, but he could try to be more helpful and supportive in your efforts. Let him know you're open to counseling so you two can work together on common goals.
If he continues with the ultimatums, I'd leave him to it for a few days to give yourself a mental break. Maybe use the time to think about what would make you happy.
I'd have lost my sh*t on my
I'd have lost my sh*t on my DH long ago if he told me I wasn't trying hard enough, because any effort we put in as SPs is above and beyond what we HAVE to put in. Point blank, no argument.
If he wants a mother for his child, then he needs to go find her mother and get back together with her. The time to choose her mother was before he boinked, and it is NO ONE else's responsibility to make up for HIS lack of discretion when procreating.
I think you have two ways to approach this if your goal is to save your marriage. First would be to write out a letter to him highlighting all you've done, how you and SD are getting closer, and pointing out where he has been a sh*t husband for setting a higher standard that he has for himself or SD's actual BM. If you'd rather go the direct route, I say talk to him and tell him point blank that he needs to choose what you are and what he is: either you're a monster and he's a dick for keeping his daughter around a monster for so long, or you're actually doing the best with what you've got and he's a dick for not recognizing it.
Honestly, though, I'm the kind that when faced with an ultimatum like that I just drop the rope. I'm not going to aspire to whatever is being expected of me, and I probably don't want to aspire to it anyway or I would have already done it. That second part is really most important: if I don't want to be what someone wants or needs me to be, then I will just cut my losses and bounce. No need to act and pretend and try because I don't want to be that person, and that's more than enough reason to not try anymore.
So pick your path and commit to it. If you want to try, then write or talk to your DH. If you don't, plan your exit. Ending a marriage sucks, but worse things have happened.
Before You Met
Just curious, what was your life like before you met your husband? Do you think your life has gotten better or worse? Maybe you should make a list of pros and cons about your marriage to put your life in perspective.
Your DH should appreciate your efforts to parent HIS child. Does he give you Mother's Day gifts? What would he do without you? Maybe you should find an excuse to visit a family member or friend for a few days, so he can see what it would be like if he followed through with his ultimatum. Btw, his ultimatum is super manipulative, and his behavior sounds emotionally abusive, which is probably why you feel the way you do.
Exactly all of this!
Exactly all of this!
He is giving YOU ultimatums? Time for YOU to give HIM some.
I bet if you sit and REALLY think about it, your life WAS better before getting married and dealing with this sd.
If my husband gave me an
If my husband gave me an ultimatum like yours did, after I had really tried with the SD, I'd file the divorce papers myself. Your husband is a big part of the problem here.
"My husband told me this
"My husband told me this morning that I need to work on my demeanor towards her, quickly at that, or our marriage is over"
"Well, DH, I guess we have different views on what marriage actually means. See, I thought you were marrying me because you loved me and because you wanted to spend your life with me and now I find out that you just wanted an unpaid nanny for your daughter. How disappointing. You do realize that I am your wife and not your daughter's mother, don't you? She already has a mother and it's not me. It looks like our marriage is over though because I expected love, respect and trust from a husband. I didn't expect to be berated because I am not someone else. I thought you fell in love with me not with your idea of what I should be. Good luck with your daughter. Have a nice life."
Love Love Love THIS!
OP reread the above comment over and over, then say it.
DH needs to quit gaslighting you and look in the mirror.
He will see the reflection of a shit parent, a failed parent, and a shit partner.
Rather than focusing on your deficiencies as a "mother", he needs you to rub his nose in the long list of his failures as a husband, father, and man with clear expectaitons of what he will fix and when he will fixt it.
Make sure to highlight his and BM's failures as parents and for sure harp on his idiocy in choosing that confict POS as the mother of his child.
smh
All of us could go on for days on how much of a POS both this guy is and BM is. You need to grab a big handful of testicular (figuratively of course) fortitude and start solving the issues you demand that your DH fix. He is the problem, not you.
Grrr.
Good luck.
It's awful to be alienated
It's awful to be alienated from the very people you try to love, support and to whom you give 100%. You have done above and beyond what is required of any step parent. I would be angry at his ultimatums if I were you - these are very one-sided and don't consider your actions or even your feelings. Please read and re-read the other posters' comments on here and think about your life and what you want for your future. My husband was very much like yours: it was all about his son. I was expected to play 2nd and 3rd fiddle to his son, his son's girlfriend, bow to his son's every whim and let his son get away with anything and everything - I did for many years and was still told that I'm not nice enough to his son. I can't tell you what to do - you know your situation. However, I would think long and hard about staying in this situation as the chances of things changing are slim. And things will get even worse when she gets older. I worry you will continue feeling left out and unappreciated. I can tell you from experience this leads to bitterness, anger and distancing yourself not only for the stepkid, but also from your partner.
Please take care of you and keep us posted.