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Can my marriage survive?

Gh4975's picture
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I keep talking about the same subjects & nothing changes! I get all the blame & I'm supposed to change.   I don't care for my SS & I guess my DH didn't realize it until about 6 months ago. I was much happier when SS was away for most of the summer.   Now we are always arguing & he constantly wants me to fix the relationship with SS,but just me because SS is perfect!  DH makes every excuse for his behavior!  DH disappeared almost all of Christmas eve & Christmas & now the day after!  All because (DH claims) I said what's the rush for SS to come back from BM's?  I asked because what's the rush to come back here and sit around all vacation? At least at his mother's he can see his sister and brother?  He got so offended by that question.   I'm so sick of this

tog redux's picture

Sounds like DH is the problem here. Not sure why you want to save this marriage. Diappearing over a holiday rather than staying and discussing issues is emotional abuse, meant to "punish" you for saying things he doesn't like. You could try marriage counseling but with a partner like that, I wouldn't hold out much hope. 

Gh4975's picture

He refuses counseling.   I'm mostly trying for our son together & a little for SS I guess, but it seems to be a lost cause.   

Loxy's picture

Your DH sounds very stunted emotionally and his refusal to try counselling is clearly proof that he's not willing to work on the relationship or compromise. Why would you want to expose your son to such a dysfunctional relationship?

People always think they are doing the right thing by staying together for their kids but it's actually damaging them as they grow up thinking their parents unhealthy relationship is "normal" and then often form their own dysfuctional relationships in turn. This is what happened to my DH - he grew up in a very dysfunctional family with a controlling mother and doormat (do nothing) father. He then got into an eqally dysfunctional relationship with BM when he was young (she was older) where she dominated and treated him poorly. It wasn't until he matured somewhat and went to counselling before he realised how bad his relationship was (and always had been) and unfortunately there were two kids in the picture by then.

You deserve to be happy and your son deserves a happy mother - leave your husband!

CajunMom's picture

So, your DH just disappears for the Christmas holiday??? Nah....we'd sign up for immediate marital counseling or we'd be done. For what it's worth, I am completely disengaged from DHs kids. I haven't seen them in years. While DH takes a week each year to go see them (they live about 2k miles from us), I've already told him. Leave me for a holiday, such as Christmas...stay gone. Our living situation is on him and his kids. I'm not getting "punished" for their mistakes.

Stray Cat Stepmom's picture

You are his wife and he is supposed to put you first, especially if the kids are grown and independent.

I'm in a simliar situation. We've been together for over 30 years (we chose not have children together), and they have been difficult years, where I mostly have felt like a second-class human. I don't dislike my stepchildren. They actually turned out quite well considering the ugly divorce all those years ago. They are demanding, especially at Christmas. (I totally dread Christmas every year!) I do my best to be cordial, but I maintain emotional detachment to protect myself from being hurt or taken advantage of. I have seen large sums of money go to the kids over the years, often putting us into debt. My DH is absolutely unwilling to pay attention to my concerns and gets angry and petulant when I try to set boundaries for myself, our home life, or our finances. He makes way more money than I do and acts very entitled. Things had improved once the kids became young adults--until the grandchildren started to arrive. He's totally obsessed with them these days, constantly trying to convince me we should give them money that needs to be used for our house repairs and old age. Now I'm going through the same marginalization I felt when we first got together. I no longer trust him and don't want to grow old living life this way.

The DH has all the power. I, the second wife, am outnumbered. If not for my house and my animals, I'd have left by now. I will be consulting a lawyer. Perhaps you should do the same.

Stray Cat Stepmom's picture

13 is a tough age . . . In a few years, he could be much easier to deal with. But it's the parents (DH & his ex) job to raise him, not yours. I think you are right to develop an attitude of detachment. Maybe try to be friend, but no more. After what I've gone through in my marriage, if I knew what my life would be like now, I would have never stayed in the relationship. The kids will always come first, even when they are grown.

shamds's picture

Child chucking a tantrum to guilt you into submission. No failed parents of failed disrespectful kids wants to admit their kids have issues and are just shitty people to be around.

whenever my husband years ago chucked the whole "why can't you just forgive and forget and why are you so hormonal and complaining always about my kids?" I would remind hubby if he wanted me to speak positively about them, then it was on him to make them pleasant and decent human beings

Rags's picture

The most critical being you need to put your foot up your DH's ass and give him clarity that no longer will his poor choice of failed family breeding partners or the progeny of that failed family coupling be tolerated to ruin your life.

So, DH mans up, shapes up, and steps up to be your equity life partner or he is gone and the two of you are done.

Do not blame yourself for his gaslighting self delusion.  Your SO is a failed man, a failed mate, and a failed father.  None of that is on you.

All of those are his choices and he is the one who needs to man up and fix them. Or.... take everything, re-key the locks, and put he, his X, and their spawn in your rear view mirror while you get on with your life.

harmony98's picture

13 is a really difficult age, but i would say this.  if you are unable to be united. especially at christmas, and you have a child together.  it doesnt sound right to me.   i totally say yes he spends time with your ss but if no time spent with you and your child together.  Run for the hills ! 

Rags's picture

IMHO, the question is not if the marriage can survive, but is it a marriage you want to be in?

Far too many toxic marriages survive that shouldn't, IMHO.

Do not be the voluntary victim of one of those.  There are no afterlife or during life bonus points for being a martyr in a shitty marriage.

Gh4975's picture

We are separated,but living together for now. We have to figure out a lot of things.  He does not know how to communicate and still wants to avoid or hideout UGH!!  It's difficult to face,but it had to be done.  DH refuses to take any blame, compromise or change anything.  I don't believe he knows how to have a successful relationship.  I will definitely need coparenting tips.  I don't even think he will know how to balance both sons,so far he only focuses on SS!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This is a subject I can speak with authority on, having been divorced with little drama for 10 years:

1) Get an iron-clad CO. Go to mediation if necessary, it was worth the money for me. Get as much time with your kid as you can and as much CS as you can. For me, it was 50/50 no CS, but even with that, having a good CO made it work. Specify custody, holidays, vacation time, first right of refusal, everything you can.

2) Follow that CO. I literally planned my life around mine and it was worth it not to have to engage in back-and-forth communication and disputes about changes.

3) Keep contact with your ex at a minimum and all business from the start. I went so far as to have exchanges done at daycare. It kept both of us on time (because the daycare lady would not tolerate BS), and reduced drama.

3) Don't alienate or "rescue" your kid from your ex unless there is really abuse or neglect. This will give the kid(s) a chance to have a relationship with both parents without guilt or other emotional problems. If issues need to be discussed about the other parent, like if they do something questionable or if the kid has a complaint, assess and discuss honestly. I had a few times where my kids called me to pick them up from their dad's, hysterical and about to run away. I did actually go a few times, but after assessing and talking, made the hard choice to drive back home without them. They had to learn to follow the rules at both houses, even though my ex was stricter and harsher than i was. I think it was the best thing at the time. 

You can have a relatively peaceful life after divorce.  

Gh4975's picture

What was well played?  He can move with SS,I'm not leaving.  It's a lease with both names so I can't change the locks unfortunately. I told him he can continue to give his rent and that can be Child support.   I plan on setting up a meeting with a mediator. 

Rags's picture

Move now, or re-key the locks and make him move.  The whole share a home while separate/divorced thing is naive at best IMHO and extremely risky.  
 

My XW and I planned to share our home until we got it sold.  Fortunately she moved out a few weeks after that agreement.  As soon as she left I had the locks re-keyed.

Which was a symbolic LT comforting action for me to take.

Don't play games.  There really is not anything to figure out that would necessitate maintaining a house with an X.

IMHO of course.

tfsimmons's picture

Figure things out for you!!  You can define your situation any way you care to but in truth - nothing has changed.  Get the much needed answers you need from an attorney to help you move forward.  Knowledge is Power!!