Can I Disengage now?
my husband is in denial and trying to fix things as a typical male tries to do.
Ive learned that my SD is thinking about staying here one more year then transferring to a university closer to her home near her BM.
So now I’m at the point where I feel she is only in our home going to school here so my husband can foot the bill for one more year that’s the agreement. And I feel she will continue to make no effort in making friends or a life here.
So why should I engage and try to build some fake relationship? My husband can step up to the plate and work on his relationship but it feels like too much work for me and I have two full time jobs..
I also think tonight that my husband is trying to convince me things are good with SD that she is opening up about applying to local state colleges so he can get out of couples therapy. Nope not happening, I need him and I to be in agreement on what is going to continue to happen with my SD in our home.
I guess I wasn't aware you
I guess I wasn't aware you ever were engaged, so yes - you don't have to have a positive relationship with her.
I'm confused as to why she gets to decide whether or not she stays there another year and you just have to hope she decides not to. Why can't you and your DH make that decision, and not her? And why don't you get a say in it, it's your house, too?
the agreement was my husband
the agreement was my husband would pay 2 years of community college and she knows that so I think she is going to apply to local state schools this fall for next fall 2020 but I do believe secretly she will apply to other schools closer to home.
I just don’t want to be forced to do things with a 19 yo when at her age she should want to be hanging with peers . If she continues to make no effort I pray my husband sees that she is lying and not here for the long haul. He is trying to make up for lost time and thinks that one good conversation about school with her makes their relationship great.
He will never see it
or at least choose to not see that she is lying. That is what I have experienced. A guilty daddy making up for lost time means your input, or putting you into consideration is not a priority. Please keep the counselling going!
Absolutely, don't let him out
Absolutely, don't let him out of therapy! That therapist is the only think keeping you from being steamrolled.
Written Launch Plan
Come up with a written launch plan, have DH & SD sign off, and put a copy on display. Stick to it.
Worked for me.
I think that is the only
I think that is the only thing that is going to make me feel comfortable in my own home knowing what the plan is for her after she is done community college.
I have to get my husband to therapy as soon as possible so he and I can work on this and I explain how I feel
I just don’t want to be
I just don’t want to be forced to do things with a 19 yo when at her age she should want to be hanging with peers.
Why would you be forced to do things with a 19 year old??? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do! Also go to therapy and don't let H off the hook.
I feel forced because if I
I feel forced because if I say no my husband will be hurt that I don’t want to spend time with his daughter. That I’m not trying. She is miserable and I don’t want to be around that
therapy appt booked for Monday!
So you're worried about
So you're worried about hurting your H's feelings meanwhile he's not being considerate about yours?? There has to be a compromise here and it shouldn't have to be you sacrificing your happiness and sanity.
Glad therapy is booked, wishing you well!
Why do you care do much about
Why do you care do much about her social life and why are you insisting that she make a life there? The overwhelming majority of college graduates do not live anywhere near where they attended college. Life takes people to any number of places.
She does not seem to be a PITA, particularly toxic, or overly intrusive on you or your life. So what is your issue with her?
Many kids go to a JC before transferring to a University or 4 year college. Some transfer locally, many others transfer to schools just about anywhere. Yes, she is taking advantage of the commitment her father made to her to pay for JC. You seem to have been aware of that agreement.
I attended 7 colleges or universities (including 4 JCs) before I completed my Engineering degree. I lived with my parents on and off during that process.
I suggest that you get our head around this and gain some contact with reasonableness before you stroke out over what seems to be a fairly reasonable situation. You can make a relationship with this young woman for the time she is with you whether it is 2 years or for the duration of her entire college education. What does 2 Vs 4 years of college have to do with establishing a reasonable relationship with her considering that you intend to be married to her dad for much of her life and the rest of yours.... or his as the case may be. There is nothing fake about a relationship that in some liklihood will last for decades. It appears from what you have shared on multile threads that how reasonable this relationship will be, for the duration, is pretty much on your shoulders.
So, what are you going to choose? Alienate her, stay jacked up over what appears to be a non-issue, or.... be pleasant, engage with her, and establish at least a cordial foundation for the duration of your marriage to her dad... or.... something else that bears the extreme risk of making the next X decades a nighmare.
Or... something in between.
Good luck.