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Can this continue?

anonymous1306's picture
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Basically I've had an issue with how my partner parents (or doesn't parent) his daughter. My honest opinion is that we moved in too quickly and now i'm forced into a situation i don't want to be part of. 
We haven't had his daughter ( 3 years old) for 5 weeks as she's been poorly and then he was poorly (obviously can't be too careful with the whole coronavirus). Bearing in mind her biological mother is working from home and her excuse for never getting her in a routine was her work and finishing at 8pm. So we had her for the first time again last night and my 5 year old goes to bed at 7, with a DVD and then is asleep by 8:30. So as both the kids cant go to bed at the same time as they get up to play or chat all night so basically when we have his daughter she goes to bed at 7, we wait for her to fall asleep and then we put my daughter to bed who understands on the weekends we have his daughter that she can't watch a DVD and goes straight to sleep. We attempted to put his daughter to bed last night at 8 (and only because i mentioned that it's keeping my daughter up aswell as she has to wait). He tried to argue that she's not tired which my argument is that the kids don't tell us when they go to bed, we tell them. He lied when we moved in together and said she slept through and in almost 2 years, its been a handful of times, which isn't fair on my daughter being woken up as they have to share a room. So basically 9:30 and she's still kicking off saying she wants to go to mummys house - i told him not to take it to heart and it's only because he's making her so something she doesn't want to do. My daughter used to do the same when i told her off and she'd ask for her daddy. So they facetime her mum, who asks if we've given her milk (she kept being sick on it and the doctor advised not to give it to her so why the hell has this thick idiot been giving it to her, she's 3 and i put my foot down that im sick of cleaning up milky sick all the time when she needs comforting in the night and not another bottle - and it was in a baby bottle at AGE 3!). Her mum then says we're trying to put her to bed toom early. Its fucking 9pm and she's still kicking off. Me and my partner have the perfect relationship and the only thing we ever argue about is his daughter and her behaviour. I've held in how i feel about her behaviour for almost 2 years but its getting to the point where i literally just cant be bothered anymore. He's said i make him feel like i dont want her here (i don't when its a kick off and a fight just to simply get her to bed). Her behaviour in general is disgusting and the way she talks is 'I WANT THAT.' And how whe speaks to my daughter is shocking. As a single parent since i split with my daughters dad, i've worked so hard to make my daughter polite, well behaved and in a good routine. Then i still have to deal with someone elses spawn of satan, so all my work is for nothing. The last weekend we had her, my partner was exhausted and he'd only had her for 2 days. I look forward to Sunday when she goes back to her mums. I want to disengage and let him get on with it but i don't want to be a couple who doesn't help each other out when needed. But i literally cannot stand his child. They way she speaks, the way she acts is just everything I didn't want my child to be, yet im now dealing with his child being like it. She kicks off over everything, and his excuse is always she's tired - or have your accepted that this is actually her personality? And you're constantly making excuses for it instead of actively dealing with it? I don't know whether to end things but he is literally everything i want, as they're a package and i need to accept them both even when i don't want to 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would suggest trying counseling or parenting class with DH as a first step. Maybe if a 3rd party is giving the advice he might be more receptive and it will take you out of the position as the bad guy.

anonymous1306's picture

We're in the UK and counselling isn't really as easy to come by here and if i even suggested that to him, i think he'd tell me to f*** off lol 

tog redux's picture

You really don't have a perfect relationship if he lied to you about his daughter's sleeping habits, and won't parent her. He doesn't seem to care how it affects you or your daughter, continues to parent poorly, and then expects you to deal with the consequences of his actions (ie, cleaning up her milky vomit).  If he was the perfect partner (no such thing), he'd realize that he's a poor parent and his lack of parenting is not only affecting you and your daughter, but it's ruining his own daughter as well.

Helping out and taking over are not the same thing. Let your daughter have the bedroom and he can put his to sleep on the couch or a roll-away bed in the living room, at 2 am if he wants. And he can get up and console her and clean her up. Not because you don't care but because he needs to experience the consequences of his lousy parenting.

Or better yet - get your own place so your daughter can get a good night's sleep. Date him if you want, but don't live with him.

anonymous1306's picture

Thank you for your comment! I think if i was to suggest him moving into his own place, we'd split up completely. I wish i had spent more time around her before he moved in and especially now we're in lockdown and im forced to be around it. My daughter loves to see her too, so i feel guilty trying to make her come with me when she doesn't want to and wants to stay and play with his daughter, however i don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with him to 'babysit'. He actually moved in to my home so i can't 'get my own place' as this is my place. 

tog redux's picture

So he won't parent his child adequately, but he expects you to stay and put up with it? Really - if he was a good partner, he'd be concerned that he's going to lose you, but instead, he feels entitled to do as he pleases and any action you take to make your life easier will be unacceptable to him.  Can your daughter go with her father when his is there, at least for most of the time, so the sleep problem isn't an issue? Then you can just let him deal with his daughter at night.

 

anonymous1306's picture

We tend to try and have the kids the same weekend so we then have a weekend to ourselves also. I forgot to mention that he works away monday to friday as a lorry driver so 50% of the time i spend with him is with his daughter also. His excuse for not parenting is that she's with her biological mum for 12 out of 14 days so what he says/does doesn't make a difference. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, that's a common excuse.

Sounds like you aren't ready to leave, so letting him deal with his daughter on his own makes the most sense. You shouldn't have to deal with the consequences if he won't parent adequately. "Helping each other out" doesn't mean he can slack off and you'll help him anyway.

anonymous1306's picture

I definitely don't want to. I just dread every other weekend that we plan to have her which ruins my weekend spending time with my daughter also. I also work monday to friday so its nice to have a half relaxing weekend. I just feel guilty as im happiest when she's not here, yet he's happiest when she is. And there's no straight forward solution to it.

beebeel's picture

She is kicking off and throwing tantrums because she is overtired. Bedtime routine should start at 6:30/7 at the latest. Bath/stories/bed by 7:30.

And your kid is not every kid. She may be very easy going, and I hope you realize that has more to do with luck than your parenting. If your kid never fought bedtime at 3 years old, you won the g-damn lottery. My kid could never handle watching a DVD until he fell asleep. He'd be up all night, waiting for the next movie to start. 

This child is 3. Her tantrums have nothing to do with her "personality" as you so readily claim. She throws a fit because she has zero structure in her life and no one willing to give her some in a loving manner.

I am a fairly strict parent and it still took us three years to get my kid to stop fighting bedtime. At 4 years old, he still pitches a fit about once a week. And he isn't being shuffled between homes with different siblings in and out of his routine.

anonymous1306's picture

I've tried to explain to him that she's tired, and that's why she's so moody all the time. But her personality is very bossy and stroppy anyway so her being tired  just magnifies it. I'm not say my parenting is perfect,  and i know i was very lucky with her but i always know that I also put a lot of work in and effort so that she is happy and settled in her routine and also that I am too. I get children are different but she'll pitch a fit and then instead of ignoring her (which has proven to work as she stops if you dont pay her any attention) he'll stop and give her a cuddle. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's true that some children are more difficult than others, but from your above post it does sound like he is rewarding bad behavior. Behavior you reward continues and behavior that is punished (or, even better, ignored as you suggested) decreases. Cuddling during fits rewards them. It sounds like he should listen to you on this one.

I would recommend talking to your SO in a calm, but loving tone, and explaining the specific behaviors you have an issue with. Give your suggestions and listen to his. If you can come to an agreement on "house rules" and a plan, there may be hope if you both stick to it. Maybe also, beforehand list behaviors you don't like. Have some you are willing to compromise on and some you aren't. If your SO sees you making compromises he may be more willing to do the same. 

Harry's picture

Let him handle his DD.  They can stay up all night. 
 

You must ask yourself,  " What am I getting out of this relationship "? He away all week,  and the eight day a month he's home 4 days a month is SD controlling all the time.   So if you move to your own place you miss 4 days a month with him alone. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I’m sorry to say this she is only a three year old little girl..... 

start bedtime routine earlier.... 

I have little ones, I now switch my tv off at 6pm. So they can have bath, Pjs, bedtime drink and play with some toys or read them a book if they are interested. By the time 7pm arrives they are so bored they are happy to go to bed lol. They only time they are allowed back downstairs is if they are poorly. 

If the little girl was sick on the milk more than a few times had she been intolerance tested? Could she find a milk substitute that she likes as she may find it comforting. I give mine lactose free milk as my older daughter used to vomit with normal. 

Also, I have two grown up boys so I know to stay well away from squash related drinks or fizzy drinks with my younger girls.