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Am I a total fool? How far do you go for love.

Givingitmyall's picture
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Hi all,
I live with my soon to be DH (widower), his 3 SK and our new baby. I adore DH and the kids, but for the last 18 months (we've been together 24) I've been struggling. Ever since living with this family, I've been expected/ told to give up everything (including my paid work) to be cook, cleaner, house wife, taxi driver, mom, school liaison etc for DH and SK. I don't mind doing these things - after all, I joined the family, however Im not coping. I work housewife duties 24/7, I no longer have money, I no longer talk to my friends/ family  (DH doesn't like them and family live to far away), DH and SK constantly tell me my housework is rubbish, I don't get to provide input in what we do day to day, and when the SKs are feral (which is often) sometimes I'm expected to parent, and sometimes I'm told to butt out completely. Nothing I do is right and even now nursing a baby (who everyone ignores) I'm told I spend too much time nursing the baby!!

I sound like I'm having a massive whinge, but I'm  spending most days in tears because I can't keep up. I'm not having a go at housewives (mum was one and she was the hardest worker ever), but even when I was heavily pregnant, I was chasing up after everyone's mess and I was exhausted.

I get that everyone has their own thing going on with work and school etc but Its like I'm the hired helper. DH and SK forget my birthday, forget Chrissy presents (despite me going all out for theirs) and when I gave birth recently they didn't come until baby was at least 6 hours old. Wtf.
 
I understand that I've come into a family that has lost someone. There's trauma here, I get it.  But at the same time I have given my everything to them. I've brought it up with DH many times but he tells me that this is what family life is all about. Perhaps so, but I have no say in anything which doesn't seem right to me at all.
I look at my BD and I question this life for her. My upbringing was very different so I don't want her to grow up thinking that the way we're living now is ok. I equally don't want to remove her from her dad and siblings... but... come on. When is enough enough? . 
#rantover

justmakingthebest's picture

It sounds like you have had enough. Time to get out of the house and reclaim your life. I was a SAHM for my kids first few years, I loved that time with them and so grateful to my exH for being able to provide for us and allowing me to do it. HOWEVER, I am a better mom as a working mom. I could only stand Blue's Clues and Little Einstein's for so long! I was sick of all of the diapers and little to no adult contact. I got bad PPD. When it was time for me to go to work (once DD hit 2 1/2 and daycare was finally affordable-ish) I was SOOOO READY! 

I wouldn't give up the relationship yet, although if it was only good for the 1st 6 months, that isn't a good sign... But try and gain back your independence first. See if it isn't you missing you! 

hereiam's picture

You joined a family, you were not hired as nanny, cook, and maid.

If that's what he wants, perhaps you should re-think marrying him because it sounds like he is using you and was just looking for a replacement mom for his kids, not an actual partner.

SteppedOut's picture

This 100%. 

One of three things can happen:

1. Your husband pulls his head out of his ass.

2. You suddenly become "ok" with this BS (it IS bs, do not let yourself be convinced it is not).

3. You leave with baby to have a normal life (I highly recommend this, your husband and his feral kids will not change as drastically as they should/you need).

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I think you should tell your DH what would happen to his paychecks/money for his own brats if you decided one day to stand up and leave with your child.

tog redux's picture

Why do you "adore" a man who demands you be his cook, cleaner and babysitter, then criticizes you for everything you do, including how you nurse your baby? He's also isolating you, so add that to the list of abusive behaviors that he's displaying.  Next he will be calling you names and then hitting you. 

I don't see anything here that I'd call love, personally. 

ESMOD's picture

Yep.. I see an "arrangement"... you are convenient for him.. he got a live in nanny that he can bang.. you got a place to live and that's about it.  I'm sure you love your baby.. but I'm wondering how much that was about getting you "locked in" to the role he needed you to fill for him.

I would tell him that you intend to go back to work and that you will expect he pays for 1/2 the childcare costs of that.. he can also hire whoever he needs to to care for his other kids and the home.. you will do your "share.. but your share is only about 1/5th of the household's responsibilities.. financially and physically.

If that new "arrangement" doesn't work for him.. you can leave.. get your own pllace and file for child support.

steppingback's picture

You are treated like Cinderella and you are not married yet? Your potential DH thinks he has you trapped and treats you like an indentured servant. Can you go visit your family for a bit to get some perspective? If he says no. Sneak away and maybe never come back. Take care of yourself.

ndc's picture

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!  He is isolating you and taking advantage of you. It may just be that he wants a maid/nanny/warm body in bed, it may be that his emotional abuse will escalate to physical. In either event this man is not good for you. I'd get out of this situation asap.

Winterglow's picture

Please do not marry this abusive boor. You were luycky enough to be given a taste of what life would be like once married BEFORE it was too late. If thinngs are this bad right now, just imagine how much worse they could get once he has you trapped. 

Gzet a job and find yourself a place to live with your baby, tell him the wedding is off because you cannot live the way he expects you to and let the chips fall where they may. Be prepared for one of two reactions. He'll either try to bully you into the wedding or love bomb you long enough to get you to marry him. Don't give in.

Go look in a mirror and see if you look like a maid, cook, child minder, sex partner, and general dogsbody. No? Good. Now go put your life back on the right tracks (oh and see a lawyer about child support). 

You deserve so much more and so much better.

futurobrillante99's picture

#1, please see a doctor about post partum depression

#2, the behavior you describe from the others in your house is UNACCEPTABLE

#3, it sounds like your DH is isolating you and making you dependent on him

#4, it sounds like DH and his kids are taking you for granted and being abusive

#5, please consider going to stay with a caring friend or relative while you seek help from a therapist and your doctor

You are NOT imagining this abuse and you are NOT unreasonable.

Givingitmyall's picture

Thank you all! I am so grateful at everyone's replies and comments. Yes...hmmm... these were the very thoughts going through my head. I really appreciate your feedback Smile

Delilah's picture

Am I a total fool? How far do you go for love.

 

Yes they are taking you for a fool and you have gone too far for "love" while your fdh (aka f*ckwit dud husband) isnt loving you. Hes using and abusing you. The reason the skids are feral is because their dad is chief neanderthal. That is the future for your sweet baby, to be indoctrinated into their misoginistic tendancies while brainwashed to marginalise and treat you (and all females) like the hired help.

Realise he is purposely isolating you along with destroying your self worth to ensure you never escape. 

Ring your old friends or family and leave.

 

thinker's picture

Before we call her DH abusive, shouldn't OP try standing up for herself and give him a chance to respond?  Sometimes couples get caught in a cycle where one person enables the other's bad behavior, and if the enabler changes, the other person rises to the ocassion?  

I would advocate going back to work to earn your independence back.  Then you'll be in a position to leave if and when you are ready.  I really liked the advice above that he needs to pay for 1/2 of the childcare costs of your shared child and 100% of the childcare costs of the other kids.  I would do this no matter what as your first step, and then see how everything else plays out and go from there.  

tog redux's picture

Abuse is abuse, whether the other person stands up to it or not. He's isolating her and criticizing her for everything she does - those are abusive behaviors. If she chooses to stand up to him, they will likely escalate, but even if they don't - this guy is capable of abusive behavior. She shouldn't have to stand up to him to protect herself. In a loving relationship, that wouldn't be necessary. He wouldn't be criticizing her or trying to keep her from family or friends.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your mistake was rushing the relationship. You moved in together too quickly, and got pregnant before you even really knew this man. He was probably shopping for an Instamommy to assume the drudgery and duties of his last victim er, wife. Having an "ours" baby just made him feel he has you well and truly caught.

We all make mistakes. What's important is learning from them, and not allowing them to become a life sentence. Ring up family and friends, summon support, and get the heck out of there. Save yourself, save your baby, and move forward into the 21st century.

somethingwicked's picture

How far do you go for love ?

Nowhere NEAR sacrificing everything that is you. And that is what this guy expects and so far you have been obedient.Stop it .

SELF LOVE FIRST.

Do not erode you away on  behalf of this narcissitic ,gaslighting bully .He has worked to separate you from everything that was YOU in past and any life support /lines you could need in future.And the skids and he as well may always compare you to their mother . You are in competiton with a dead woman,a memory and their iconic idea of what a partner and "mom" should be.

YOU know your value,RIGHT?

It is not contingent upon what this guy and his children think of you. You will never measure up.SO please stop ~ STOP being everything to them and sacrificing you.

Take a break, take baby and go visit any family or friends. Plan on making it an extended visit. Let ahole "H" figure out babysitting for his mob .

Also start saving.Whatever he gives you (if you haven't any access to funds that should be 50% YOURS btw) take half and bank it in your name.

Start with seeking employment ASAP.Get that resume together or polished. Taking a break from work is not a crime. 

And as soon as you are able and have plans lined up  tell him you are done being his slave and that of his  pack of ferals.

If he wants to try the marriage counseling route ,fine,but I woud still separate until he proves he really cherishes you and is willing to work at finding equality in this relationship.

But if nothing in the couseling pans out or he refuses, I'd start making tracks to leave this person as he is very dangerous for your overall mental and physical health now and in future.

Chi123's picture

No to this whole situation, please don't allow yourself to be a doormat.  You're not married yet so please don't.  You were expected to do all this work while heavily pregnant and they don't even understand a baby nurses often. How old are skids? They should clean after themselves,  DH should help too. Or You can say you'll work and just leave entirely. But please you deserve much better

Steptotheright's picture

DH and SK forget my birthday, forget Chrissy presents (despite me going all out for theirs) and when I gave birth recently they didn't come until baby was at least 6 hours old. Wtf.

Wtf indeed. I know you think you love this guy, but he most certainly doesn't love you. What is it that you're sacrificing for? The stepkids might be endearing now because they need you, but time has a way of making people take you even more for granted if you allow it to happen. The fact that you're dude didn't even get you Christmas or birthday present says it all. Stop deluding yourself into thinking this is about love. This is about a delusion that you've got to wake up from. There's nothing loving about any of this. Remember that. Leave, before you become further entangled.

shamds's picture

you nurse that baby as priority. Anybody with 1/2 a brain knows that newborns nurse and there are certain periods when they nurse like crazy and are going through a growth spurt.

if your housework is shit how about skids and your partner show you what high quality housework looks like!! Oh thats right, its too beneath them to do it!! 

In the uk, midwives actually check to see if the house is in a mess when you just gave birth, it proves to them you have actively been bonding with the baby.

when i was pregnant with my 2nd child, hubby was told that from this day forward any kitty litter clean-up, emptying the trash was him or his son’s duty. If hubby came home from work and saw laundry done just not hung on the lines, that he just needs to hang it, if he saw a laundry load to be done- just do it!! No need to ask me. 

There was no point in me bitching how effin useless adult ss was. Hubby was in denial mode so i knew it might take a while but one day hubby would have a really stressful shitty day at work and know i had been full on with a newborn and toddler and still manage to do some housework yet his adult son did nothing, not empty the trash or make himself useful. It took over a year and when that day came hubby lost it at his son and said “you do nothing!! You just pile on your mess on kitchen floor, you need to empty the trash everyday you are here and clean kitty litter”

ss just mmmmmd at hubby. Next day hubby messaged him about 30 times from 8am till about 2pm “have you emptied the trash?”, it was like a message every 10-15 mins and ss could have avoided this by just emptying the trash. Hubby even had to message me from work to confirm ss did it. My husband trusts my word more than his own biological kids even when he hasn’t witnessed anything.. that says alot about how much he trusts them.

op you need to be furious with this idiots living at home!! You need to have that meltdown and tell that man to grow the eff up and be considerate and not be so effin useless.

shamds's picture

This shit you are dealing with at home. I hope it encourages you to end this crap at home for good!!

https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a12066/avoid-di...

https://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2016/02/21/study-husbands-create-hours...

(2nd web link husband add 7 hours of housework a week, how much more do you think those several skids add on??)

https://www.boredpanda.com/sharing-housework-responsibility-constance-hall/

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/07/taken-for-granted-mom/

Eve-Bee's picture

This is so not ok. Seems like your SO is taking advantage of your kindness. How do you define love? and how do your SO define love? 

Rags's picture

Love is not about sacrifice.  Love is about adding to the lives of those we love and them adding to our lives.