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The tally

Step575's picture
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Does anyone else have a BM who keeps a tally over every little thing?

EX- If we had to pick up a prescription and it cost $10- we would just get it for him. If she picked it up- she would be asking us for $5 to split the cost. To me it feels obnoxious. Big things- sure... but $5? Of the two homes we definitely shell out WAY more than she does with clothes, shoes, supplies, holiday gifts, etc. and never say anything to her because it just feels like the right thing to do for SS and to be frank- we just don't want to deal with her. 

How do others co-parent with people like this?

Survivingstephell's picture

Spreadsheets of what your side spent with attached receipts asking for reimbursement.  

CastleJJ's picture

Our BM attempts to do this, but DH doesnt allow it. We see SS 6 weeks per year on a long distance schedule. DH pays a hefty amount of CS for SS8 and we cannot financially afford extras for him on top of CS, plus BM is high conflict and alienates so why should she get more $$. DH's CS far exceeds SS's expenses. BM believes it is DH's sole responsibility to provide for SS and its not. 

Yes, BM has requested reimbursement through the FOC for a $10 prescription. DH sent her a $5 check through the FOC within the 30 day window since it is considered "out of pocket medical". DH knows that BM is obligated to pay $250 out of pocket before she can request reimbursement through the FOC, so he always verifies that she has done that first. 

Outside of that, DH does not provide extra $$$... he does not pay half for sports, sport equipment, school fees, school supplies, school pictures, clothes, etc. That's what CS is for. If the judge wanted DH to split extracurriculars, he would have ordered it when BM requested it but he didn't. BM always throws a fit, but DH just ignores it. 

DH provides everything for SS during his visitation. Nothing goes between homes. SS has his own clothes, toiletries, toys, etc. at our house. DH feels it is his job to provide for SS on his time, he has never asked BM for a dime. He understands that CS is his responsibility to SS on BM's time, but he also feels that BM is also financially responsible to provide for SS on her time. 

DH's philosophy is "If it isn't court ordered, it doesn't happen..." so he doesn't pay for anything or do anything that isn't court ordered. 

classyNJ's picture

Oh the memories...

But this one takes the cake.....

DBDB always wanted DH to pay half of everything, yet would not help out with any of their sports, UNLESS it was a photo op for her.  

During a travel tournament, which we paid over a $1,000 for, the parents were asked to bring a snack to share between games.  I had made fresh fruit bowls.  DBDB brought a bunch of bananas.  Yup JUST bananas.  She then proceeded to saunder over to us and tell DH that she brought bananas and she wanted .79 cents since it was half.  

He laughed and told her to pound sand.  

Ursula's picture

Most people that have found their way to this site cannot coparent with the other parent.  You have to parallel parent.  Unless it's spelled out in the court order, don't pay anything additional.  My SDs BM once spent $13 on school supplies and asked for reimbursement.  She said these cost $13, what's your contribution gonna be?  I couldn't imagine asking someone to reimburse me for such a small expense.  

Step575's picture

Thank you all for your responses. I guess some people are just like this? I get it with larger ticket items... but I can't imagine living my life this way. I guess we'll just keep a spreadsheet on our end and if/when she starts- just email it to her so she's fully aware of what we've spent without asking for her help. 
 

The bananas... that's absolutely wild!!

Step575's picture

What about with time? Does anyone have a BM that keeps tally of time, too? DH and I are currently sick. At the beginning of COVID we all agreed that if anyone in either household should get sick- SS should just stay put so that we're not passing germs from house to house. We have 50/50 custody. BM was all for it.

Now this is the first time we've had to implament this as DH and I are sick. She had to keep him an extra two days. WOW. She had to keep HER SON an extra two days. Now she's trying to pawn SS off on us a day early. "I had him for your two days- I think you should take him an extra day." Its like this woman can't wait to get rid of her own kid... We're actually not gaining or losing anything- just trying to not get this kid sick. IDK what to do with this woman- no one wins in the end dealing with someone like this...

Rags's picture

SS-28 aged out from under the CO 10.5 years ago and we still invoice them twice a year for 50% of all of the medical related expenses not covered by insurance .... plus penalties and interest from the IRS tables.

In all liklihood we will never sue them for it or otherwise act on their ongoing and ever increasing debt to us as stipulated by the long expired CO.... however .... we will also never allow them to forget that it is hanging over their heads.  If we ever do nail them for it and collect.... it will go to SS in some extravigant form.

IMHO what is in the best interests of kids that live under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO is for the requirements of the CO to be delivered by the party responsible. It is also in the best interests of the kids for the party that counters the underperforming party to keep their foot up the ass of the deadbeat and force them to comply.  Kids should have their parents demonstrate their fulfillment of the CO.

Again, IMHO of course.

We never needed the pittance in CS that the Spermidiot was ordered to pay, but.... we believed that it was important for CS to know that his dad and that side of his family were paying CS and participating in his support.  So... we made sure they paid.... though they never paid a penny of the half they owed for med expenses not covered by insurance.  

That money is owed going back to SS's birth costs, all of his dental care including eating a curb in a bicycle accient when he was about 10yo and the resulting root canals, etc..., all of his Rx medicine costs, ER costs for his broken arm when he was 4yo.  Their bill is pushing $15K after nearly 27 years of accumulated costs, penalties and interest.

Besides, we get an evil little rush over tormenting them by reminding them that they are despicable POS people.

Diablo

Rags's picture

SS-28 aged out from under the CO 10.5 years ago and we still invoice them twice a year for 50% of all of the medical related expenses not covered by insurance .... plus penalties and interest from the IRS tables.

In all liklihood we will never sue them for it or otherwise act on their ongoing and ever increasing debt to us as stipulated by the long expired CO.... however .... we will also never allow them to forget that it is hanging over their heads.  If we ever do nail them for it and collect.... it will go to SS in some extravigant form.

IMHO what is in the best interests of kids that live under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO is for the requirements of the CO to be delivered by the party responsible. It is also in the best interests of the kids for the party that counters the underperforming party to keep their foot up the ass of the deadbeat and force them to comply.  Kids should have their parents demonstrate their fulfillment of the CO.

Again, IMHO of course.

We never needed the pittance in CS that the Spermidiot was ordered to pay, but.... we believed that it was important for CS to know that his dad and that side of his family were paying CS and participating in his support.  So... we made sure they paid.... though they never paid a penny of the half they owed for med expenses not covered by insurance.  

That money is owed going back to SS's birth costs, all of his dental care including eating a curb in a bicycle accient when he was about 10yo and the resulting root canals, etc..., all of his Rx medicine costs, ER costs for his broken arm when he was 4yo.  Their bill is pushing $15K after nearly 27 years of accumulated costs, penalties and interest.

Besides, we get an evil little rush over tormenting them by reminding them that they are despicable POS people.

Diablo