You are here

sick and tired of BM

castaway83's picture
Forums: 

My husband has split custody, agreement says 1 week on one week off. The BM is the worst person to co-parent with, her priorities are on herself, she makes constant last minute schedule changes and makes threats if she does not get her way. She keeps bothering DH every day about nonsense. She does not accept boundaries and I’m at a loss. We want to establish a guideline on what the communication should be limited to. There is a wide range of different co-parenting styles from going on vacation together to no communication unless there is an emergency. Keeping in mind that the BM is a self-centered a$$***e, communication should be reduced to a bare minimum, which raises the question what is part of coordination? I feel if there is a one week on one week off schedule, there should not be much to discuss at all.

strugglingSM's picture

If you are dealing with a high-conflict BM the rule of thumb is to definitely reduce contact to as little as possible. Only communicate necessary items, only stick to facts, and keep communications as short as possible. 

We haven't used OurFamily Wizard - DH suggested it at the last mediation and BM refused to consider it, at the upcoming mediation, BM's lawyer suggested it in a letter, but it has since fallen off her list of mediation points - but I've heard that it can be helpful. I'm hoping that BM agrees this time and DH can totally block her on text. She has a tendency of sending text after text after text in response to a five work inquiry from DH, because she's a total attention-seeker. 

momjeans's picture

The best boundary guideline with a high conflict BM, who wants to remain enmeshed on the daily, such as yours, in order to get HER needs met is: email contact only. If they have to communicate, it can be via email with respect to giving the other parent 24 hours to respond. Then, if it’s deemed worthy of responding to, it will be. If BM has an ounce of self control, then she is allowed the option to text only if it’s an emergency (e.g. emergency medical appointment, extremely time sensitive issues regarding school, etcetera). 

This was the guideline DH’s lawyer told him to incorporate with BM because she would blow his phone up every damn day. It was SO bad. 

 

Want2's picture

Here you are again trying to control your husband’s communication with his ex. Just like back in January when he told you he wasn’t going to be mean to her to please you and that it wasn’t your right to dictate in the matter.

 The suggestion was made that you read Codependent No More but I’m guessing you blew that off. You have only doubled down on your efforts to control others.

 You also said you didn’t like his kids. I feel sorry for him, kinda.

tog redux's picture

Trying living in a situation with a crazy BM intruding on your life every day, and then come back and give an opinion.

Cbarton12's picture

Definitely consider something like Our Family Wizard. DH and BM exclusively use something similar. The conversations are facts and rare. Their last communication was weeks ago. It's really nice.

Text is rarely used unless it's just a quick "hey I'm outside" when she's dropping off SD.

Winterglow's picture

Get yoiur husband to send her an email specifying that, as from now, he will only use email for any communication that may be necessary about their child(ren) and that he will no longer respond to texts or calls. Then he blocks her number and ignores anything other than email. Email taking more time to write out than a text or a call, it can be very dissuasive. Also, courts are more likely to accept email evidence than text. Finally, Our Family Wizard would be way better but ... if she refuses to get it then you're stuck. So email only. 

castaway83's picture

For some time everything was via e-mail, but that was only accepted as he told her he doesn't have a phone, then the kids told her, that he has a phone and she stopped sending e-mails.
I tried to take over communication as we thought she would not bother me with anything, but the schedule, but she blocked me.
Now she is making threats again, call the cops, go to the courts ect.

Winterglow's picture

I'd go back to email regardless. LEt her make all the threats she wants, as long as she has ONE means of contacting him that is all she needs. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to use it - that's all she gets. There is no court in the land who is going to reduce your dh's custody because his ex can't call him endlessly about trivia.

Another thought, once she starts on about trivia, he would be perfectly justified in hanging up. 

castaway83's picture

we probably have to wait and see, before the drama, DH agreed for her to have them today. Then tomorrow until Tuesday we should have them, but she might try to keep them from us.