Should SM be included in coparenting?
Long story short, I have been with my H for four years. He has a 14 and 10 year old. BM wants to monopolize H on issues with boys. Excessive communication and a two year long custody battle (totaling around 15 large) has worn me down. BM wants to meet H Sunday to settle the lawsuit and get things ironed out. She has made it clear she doesn’t want me there, just him. I’m not pushing it, but I don’t like it at all. She always tries to work H over to get what she wants and I am afraid that he will go along with a lot of stuff that I won’t like, just so this shitshow is over. In many ways, he is ballless. He is a wonderful husband, BM aside. He is an amazing (not so step)father to my teens 17 and 15. We are happy. But he tries to placate BM in some ways, especially with the emotional and financial unrest of the last two years. She wants to coparent with him. And while I don’t want to really want coparent with her, I am responsible for her ‘cherubs’ more than they are right now (teacher and off and home all day), and I feel like I should be included in this process. If we are all the adults we claim, then this is me and H being a team and coparenting with her. He says I just need to trust him and I do (especially where I KNOW he isn’t still crazy about her), but I see this as my family too and I need to be involved in things that affect my family. He said he isn’t going to force me being there because he just wants some resolve to this. I am very close to disengaging. If I am being unreasonable, please tell me! I have no friends that are in a situation like this, so I have no one to smack me back to earth if I’m being selfish!
Yes you should be included
Yes you should be included because you provide the parenting in your household. Any decisions regarding skid have an effect on your household. You can’t be cut out of the discussion because it’s your household. Demand to be included. BM can’t legally cut you out of the discussion. She will have to suck it up. DH will have to go up to bat for you.
BM can acutally cut you out
BM can acutally cut you out of a CO discussion. She can state that you are causing problems and ask you leave the room and the judge will likely have you leave.
They’re doing it Sunday at
They’re doing it Sunday at Panera. But I hear you. I’m not the type to cause problems though. Thank you for your thoughts!
Oh hon, I didn't mean you
Oh hon, I didn't mean you actually cause problems- in her mind you breathing is a problem! LOL
Ok, so this is 2 sided. On
Ok, so this is 2 sided. On one hand if DH dies tomorrow- you have no rights- 0 - nadda - the kids will never see you again if BM doesn't want them to. As a step parent, you aren't allowed to speak up in court for custody, you aren't awarded any rights if you and DH divorce. You have no legal standing. You are NOT the parent.
On the other side you and DH are a team. Together you decide what happens in your house. If BM doesn't want you in a discussion then DH will have to pause for every decision, talk to you about it, then get back to BM. It would be easier if BM would talk to you (I usually talk to my kids step mom and not my ex because it is just easier anyway) but if she won't, you don't matter. I am a SM who doesn't matter to BM2- nothing I say or do matters. In BM's eyes I am just the woman that helped her ex find his balls again and therefore I am pretty much the devil.
Yasssss. I agree with
Yasssss. I agree with everything. I prefer to communicate with my XH’s girlfriend over him. Knowing she is the mom of that house and she is better with doctors and school and life things. I wish all BMs felt like we did.
Thank you. H is just wanting
Thank you. H is just wanting this over and we have filled out the CO template with what we want together, so I feel that he will keep the decisions we made together in mind. I just feel that it is setting up a precedent for the next 8 years that I will not like. And most of it comes from the excessive communication between him and BM.
In a perfect world, all the
In a perfect world, all the adults who take care of the children in different households should be able to sit down and discuss a parenting plan relating to the children.
Unfortunately, most of us do not live in that world.
I would have to agree with a HCBM on this one: the issue around the children is something to be sorted out with her ex.
They have joint custody of the children.
She doesn't have to consult you in matters relating to her children
Often parenting plans and custody agreements are sorted out without new partners being in the picture.
They are in place before new relationships are formed.
They were agreed to without you (or me) being there.
The difference here is that your DH needs to be the one that considers you, and carries your joint views into negotiations with BM.
This isn't something that only affects BM and DH - it affects you and your household.
If your DH is a balless wonder who won't stand up for himself and your household, then that is to BM's advantage and your disadvantage.
It is not BM's fault that DH takes this stance.
It still doesn't give you (or me) a right to be part of negotiations which DO affect our households.
Here you have to rely on your DH to be the advocate of your household.
He needs to step up to the plate.
Many of us want to be part of these very important discussions - BM doesn't have to entertain it.
At all.
Frankly, IMO, the Panera BM
Frankly, IMO, the Panera BM/Dad meeting is a bad idea. Whether you were to also attend or not.
If this is for settling and wrapping the ordeal up, this meeting should be in the lawyers office. Both side's lawyers in attendance. You already know where the sides are so far and what areas they are still hung up on and fighting over. Nothing stopping you from sitting down prior to and compromising/duking it out with/ and laying down what will or won't work for you and your household with your Dh.
Dh can take note of were he and you then stand together. What he's willing to give in and/or trade this or that with BM. He is already going to be prepared for what is agreeable to his household and what is not. Give him ideas to what you are willing to very slightly adjust in what your and DH's agreement was in the talk. You can and should have say in your home and adult authority with the children while in your home. DH and you are the two who must be willing to co-parent, but that takes place in your home, both during times he is present and also when he leaves the kids in your charge.
No, no co-parenting between Mom and you. Don't do that to yourself. If the woman has been at it for two years and $15k so far, she hasn't been doing it to cave to playing duel mommies with you. No offense to you. But you aren't the parent and she is under no obligation to even acknowledge you.
If you and DH work together as a team in your home, great. I'd go for all communication to be via OFW. Not only is communication then documenting, but it also it opens for you to reviewing all incoming messages from BM, pre-discuss before any response and the biggie, you can reply for Dh when he wants you to. Nothing wrong with you being behind the message typing. You might be better at wording, or stronger at keeping your cool if/when she gets difficult et.
But back to why not Panera. Because you want exact wording of what is settled and your lawyer will be best to do this. You certainly don't want to get the final copy and read it going 'WTF, that's not what *we* agreed on, BM said blah blah not yadda yadda. You want your lawyer to be able to pull out his notes vs BM's lawyers notes and make sure it all is in order prior to final copies.
If he insists on meeting her privately,
tell him to work out whatever they need to. Then he should tell her he needs to take it home and think about it. Nothing they write up on their own is binding. This will give you a chance to look it over. BM is going to know that is what is going on - but she can't do anything about it. No one should agree to an agreement without taking some time to read it closely and think about it.
You have no legal standing in the process at all. However, DH can talk to you about things all he wants.
As a BM, I'm not sitting down
As a BM, I'm not sitting down with exH flavor of the week. My SO and have a conversation about what is negotiable and what is not. On the off chance something is brought up i can't foresee i tell exH I'll have to check my schedule and let him know. Then I discuss with SO.
It is your husband's responsibility to keep you involved you don't necessarily need to deal with BM.
Thanks, guys! I have found
Thanks, guys! I have found your responses to be awesome (even if they may not be what I want to hear!). It has given me a different perspective to work with, which is what I was looking for with you guys. I love the OFW idea.
If you already spent
$15,000 with a lawer. Why is he going by himself??? With out his lawer ?? She going to get what she wants and the $15,000 is down the drain.
That’s really what I am
That’s really what I am afraid of. They have a court ordered parenting coordinator. I’ve begged for him to use her for this. I’m going to draw some lines before he goes and hope he doesn’t cross them.
Wow, thanks!im not alone!
Wow, thanks!im not alone! They met yesterday (after we had an extensive convo about our mutual thoughts on everything). It went well, but they didn’t settle money. They are going back for that Wednesday. He told me he would call me to discuss anything that we didn’t previously discuss together so that I could help make the decision. I really couldn’t ask for more from him.
Sorry to hear about your BM, mine sounds very similar. I am a BM too, and truly appreciate my XH’s girlfriend in my kids’ lives (even if she hates me LOL).
If it is not a discussion in
If it is not a discussion in court... BM can't prevent you from being there. If it were in court either or both sides can request to exclude witnesses. This is what my SpermClan did on our big court day nearly 24 years ago. The SpermIdiot did now want his mommy hearing about his criminal activities, staturory rapist career and complete waste of skin status.
It came out of course but it took a decade or so for SpermGrandHag to hear it and it took another decade or so for her to arrive at the conclusion that the rest of us had already arrived at. Her son is a dirt bag waste of skin POS.