not sure what to do or if this belongs here?
I am new here, and feeling totally lost. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, he has 2 children boy almost 9 and girl almost 7 1/2, me and the kids had always been pretty close, my ss has never been one for physical affection (which has always stood out to me), but as he came around more and more he would let me love on his and hug him more and more. Anyways, around age 4 we noticed that he starting getting very possessive over his toys (no biggie), but this possession started to increase and he began to hit and scream, and then threaten his sister that if she told on him he would hurt her. Well one night, were had some friends over and everyone was in backyard hanging out, watching the kids play, when suddenly we heard my SD scream "NO Bubba NO!!" as well turned he had her by the throat and was punching her, as my husband took off in a run, my SS managed to turn my SD around and pinned her against a chest freezer, and the started striking her in the back. At this time she is screaming and terrified, I am in shock as he has never been this violent before. My husband grabs SS and pulls him off of SD, she runs to me and we all stop for a second and check to make sure she is okay, and then proceeded to ask him what was he thinking? I don't know, she made me mad so I hit her. then suddenly he says well she hit me first . Which i know is a lie because i had just been watching them play and she was about 10 feet away from him going to pick up her fake dog. The next day i call their mom and explain what is going on, and that SS is untroubled for hitting SD, when she informs me that he had just been caught throwing a kitten over their second story balcony, he kicked the puppy in the face and in the chest so hard the dog cried out, he tried to shove his sister down the stairs, and he was peeing the bed and trying to hide it. At this point she claims that punishment of time out wasn't working, so she took video games away, and no pool time. We finish the weekend. The next weekend, it feels like the same thing over and over, lie after lie. now he has taken video games and ruined them because he doesn't want anyone to play them. We were playing hide and seek in the house while running away from me he slipped and hit the door jam, I ran over and picked up and tried to make it better, instead he picked up a flip flop and threw it at me. when it missed he grabbed the other and charged me. before anyone could react he hit me with it. he was put in time out and play time was over.
Fast Forward 2017, things have slowly gotten worse, he has cussed my husband out, and told him he hoped he died, he has told us both he hates us, and never wants to see us again, because we wont let him play video games, every time we have he gets violent when asked to get off of them. Therefore no video games. He told both us that he wanted to stab his dad. when you ask him why? his answer will range from because i want to. too, because you don't give me my way. If you ask him why he thinks it okay to break the rules, or no do something we have asked him, he has told me it is because i hurt him, I don't feed him, I don't bath him, I beat him, I never let him go outside, I hit him with something and never apologized (which is not me at all). He has blamed his grandmother for his actions, ( she is crazy), he has blamed his dad, he has told us that his mom and step dad beat him (they both claim untrue), he will blame a bully at school, if there is a lie, or an answer he thinks you want to hear he will say it.
At the end of 2017 we moved out of my in laws home, because grandma and I were butting heads, and she was starting to verbally attack us confront of the kids. We felt it was toxic environment so we left. We got the kids over spring break and everything was going good un SS, came home and said that his back was hurting, when we asked what happened, he started he fell off his bike and landed on his back. Okay i thought, until I noticed that the kids around our complex stopped coming over to play, and when I seen one of the little girls, I asked her if everything was okay, she told me no, SS was being mean to the other kids, they didn't want to play what he wanted to play so he started picking on one of the boys, and then started hitting him, she went on to explain that he had also hit another girl, and that some bigger boys came to defend her, and SS ran away. When we asked him what happened, we were told that he didn't fight anyone, that they were picking on him, but other kids told me the same story she did. It took him 3 days to tell the truth. Apparently from what I found out later, the bigger boys that came to help the girl, had later started asking around about SS, because they wanted to teach him a lesson. (I kept him inside so that wouldn't happen).
As soon as I pick them them up, he seems upset about something so I ask him whats going on? he tells me nothing, there is a kid picking on him at school, I ask the normal routine questions, have you talked your mom about it? the teacher? all he says is yes but he is not sure what is going to happen about it. I ask him since his birthday is coming up if he is excited about his party, that I have to send out the invites, just as soon as I finished making them (I had a few more to go). He asked if he could see them, I show them to him and he starts in about how he didn't want an avengers birthday, he wanted Batman, and we never give him what he wants, so I got upset with him and asked him if he remembered me asking what theme he wanted he said, "yes I told you in the store I WANTED BATMAN!" his sister comes into the room, and says, "NO brother, you said you wanted avengers you told mom! you wanted Batman!" I then explain to SS, I cant read minds, if you didn't want this one you could have said so. So maybe next year you can get Batman. He replies Fine then! i don't want a birthday party. so birthday is canceled! Again that night he had a melt down and started throwing a fit about how he never gets what he wants, and how we are so mean to him. So the next day, we are getting ready to go out as family, I go in and take a shower, and I can hear someone at the door like they are trying to get in, SS was trying to open the locked bathroom door, because I later caught him trying to open my bedroom door more so he could try to peek in, as well as he was spying on his sister chafing in her room, after witnessing this I call his mother, i explain everything going on and ask if shes noticed anything, she tells me yes, he has been lying so much! Their male cousin who is 4 at the time, was over and the kids were playing behind the couch, their mother then tells me that she hears my SD say WW no Bubba I don't want to kiss you, SS says, but you have to because i told you have to! then hears SS say to cousin and then you have to kiss me. Their mother stated both kids later told her they did kiss him and he made them do it. I have caught him before on top of his sister and trying to make her kiss him before, but stopped it before anything could happen. I ask her if she thinks that he should see a psychologist? not just the school counselor (which he had started seeing yet), he has made references before about killing himself, and hurting someone, to make him self better. I even offered for my husband and I to take him for the school year and try to find him help where we live, and too because I am a stay at home wife he would have more supervision. She stated no, and wouldn't speak about it further. but wanted to change that he only come for a week at a time during breaks, as well we need to communicate with her better.
I would like to add, that if anything happens to these two, I either text her, or call her, when i pick them up i text her, when i drop them off i text her. but she never texts calls, or anything back to let us know what is going on there!
Christmas break 2018,
We moved to another apartment because the old one had become unsafe for the kids to be there, SS was upset because he didn't get his own room, or the Xbox, as well that he couldn't open up his presents, early ( we were trying to surprise them with a family trip). When we asked him what was wrong he started he wanted to go to mommies, because he can do whatever he wants there, and doesn't have to be around everyone. When his dad asked him what was so wrong about coming to our house, SS stated again that at mommies he can play video games whenever he wants, and since he can't here he doesn't want to come here. Then he started telling his dad that I hurt him, while he was at work, when we lived at the old apartment and SS said that it was on purpose. When asked what happened, he stated that I hit his with a door stop (we didn't have any door stops), and i stepped in and said that that wasn't true if i ever hurt either one of you I am sorry, I never men to, but I have never intentionally or on purpose hurt either one of you, and my SD backed me up, and told her dad that her brother was lying she never seen me do anything to him that would hurt him. Upon further questioning we found out that it was not me at all who hit him with a door stop it was my husband mother (the crazy one), and she was the one who told him to blame me (well according to SS). But he was and still is stuck on something i did to hurt him, ( I have spent hours racking my brain and cant remember one time I have ever hurt this kid). Needless to say, after more questioning and weeding out the lies, he finally started to break down and cry, my husband and I both asked him what was wrong, and he said, " dad's mom as been making me do all of this, she told me to be bad, she told me to lie, that it would make you (me) go away and daddy would have to go back to her, so I would never have to leave her again." Another lie? who knows, but I wouldn't doubt her to do something like this. We still have gotten no where on why he is doing this, his mother keeps telling us she waiting on the school to let her know about counseling, but has not looked into a psychologist, or therapy, or anything. I have asked several times at this point if she wants me to help, does she want me to find a doctor that will se him? does she want to try a separation, between the two, since he is targeting his sister more and more. still no updates on the kids unless one of us asks her or we see her Sunday night drop off and she decides to say something then. She keeps telling us that she is punishing him for his actions, there, but the next day she will let him have all his stuff back. just as long as he says he's sorry.
Spring Break 2019
Since the last go around with SS lying, and not following rules, things have gotten a lit better he is being nicer, following rules, back to olds. WRONG!
I picked them up Friday after school, and told them we were gonna be doing a few things, and explained like normal how we need to make sure we use our manners, and we are on our best behaviors! Great!! Saturday came and went without incident, then Sunday, then Monday, Monday there were a few snarky comments made but were ignored, but by Wednesday night it was like the sugar coating was gone. We are on the couch, my SD, Me, one of our dogs, and my SS. our dog is going between me and SS kissing us and being silly, suddenly he grabs her and squeezes her face, looks her in the eyes and says, "man i really wanna bite *moo's* tongue so hard it hurts and it bleeds. It would be so funny to see her bleed and hurt." I was beside myself, my stomach dropped and i thought i was going to vomit, I have never heard anyone say something like that. Especially a CHILD! I immoderately told him that was no okay, you cannot do something like that. My SD, heard him and started yelling at him how that is really mean to say and she is only a puppy, you will hurt her. *side note: she is bully, and being that they have a horrible rap, the last thing I want is for him to provoke her and she attacks him in self defense*. His response was, Oh i didn't know? FALSE dude, you know better you have been told numerous times to be gentle with them, you can hurt them if your not careful. later that night I had gone into the kids bathroom, and noticed that he had used quite a bit of soap we had just bought them, i had asked both of them to put it under the sink and wait until the others were gone (we live on a very tight budget). When i confronted both of them my SD said she had not used her's and was only using the old (which i verified). He on the other told me, that he doesn't believe he needs to live by our rules, and doesn't care. If he wants to do he will and I nor his dad will stop him. When I asked him why he feels hes above the rules, he stared that he can do whatever he pleases because whatever i say or do doesn't matter, and then went on to tell me he wants to break my back, and my bones so i will hurt as much as he does. because again i mysteriously hurt him but he cant remember anything about it, or when it happened, but he knows i did. Oh and I said I was sorry for hurting him. Again i have never hurt him. then when that wasn't working he started saying he knew a secret about me, when i asked what the secret was he told me that he knew for a fact i was a drug addict and a drug dealer.. Neither of those are true.. I have never been addicted to drugs, nor have I ever given or sold drugs to anyone. I am not around any of those kinds of people. Then once his father came home, he started to beg his dad to take him to mommies because I hurt him, and all the stuff stated above. At this point I will be honest I was sick and tired of dealing with this and listening to the lies, so I called his mother and told her that their visit was going to be cut short, that he has now began to threaten me, and since he has hurt me before purposely, I am not taking any chances and we will be there in the morning. She proceeds to tell me, that he has been getting in trouble there for lying, and acting out again, two weeks ago he threw a video game out the window into the pool because his sister asked if she could leave it in his room while she cleaned her room. then lied about it and swore to god he didn't throw it in the pool, just to finally tell the truth later, because he wanted something. Then next week she had parent teacher conference, and was told that he had been arguing and fighting with a bully (this is the same kid he bullied for almost a year in 1 est grade), but the school is handling it, but over the weekend, SS got in trouble again for lying, and video games, and all other privileges where taken away again.
Once I dropped the kids off at their mothers, her and spoke a little more about what was going one, and she had stated several times, that he would be cleaning this or doing that, but that he would not be playing video games, going swimming, watching TV or movies for a while, since he couldn't behave, and feels that it is okay to speak and treat me the way he does. again I mention to her about seeking therapy of some kind, a psychologist, SOMETHING! she brushes it off, and says well tomorrow hes going to my brothers to do boot camp, maybe that will straighten him out. (it didn't happen they went swimming instead, she posted in on instagram). While her and i were talking about what do to about him, she stated that she looked in to military school, but none would take him at his age, but that is not true, i found one near us, that would, but she refused to allow him again to come here, and try something new. I am at my wits end, I do not know what to do anymore, As of right now my husband doesn't want him here in fear that he is going to try to hurt me again, but worse. no form of punishment seems to work, we have given him one on one attention, we have taken him on trips, we have bought him stuff he wanted, we have rewarded for good behavior, but it never seems like it is enough, I love my step kids like they are my own, I would do anything for them, and i try and show them that every chance i get. but I have grown scared of this 8 year old child, I have to watch my back when he is around, I have to watch our animals, his sister, and other kids, because I have no idea what he will try to do next! I should also mention that since SS decided he didnt want to come to his dads house for a while we agreed and I made him pack his clothes and a few items up, to take to his moms. While doing so I grabbed the clothes from his laundry basket and asked him why the smelled like pee... Lie # 959,008,768: Those were from before, i... I stopped him and explained that he just brought out all his clothes that he was hiding, on sunday, so when did you pee the bed? he stated 4 days ago, so its friday at this point.. He peed in his bed between sunday/monday and never told anyone about it and tried to hid it. Then admitted to also peeing in his laudry basket, and peeing the bed on purpose. I was done at this point so i just got them both in car and took them home.
Later the next day I went back into their bathroom, I always clean the day after they leave. He left poop on the lid of the toliet seat and tried to hid it as well... I want to tear my hair out!!! *help*
Is there anything at all we can do to help him? I have asked his mother so many times what she wants us to do and I never get an answer.