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No such thing as Co Parenting with BM

ICanMakeIt's picture

Co Parenting with BM is absolutely impossible. If he were to say black she would say white. They have been divorced for 10+ years. The divorce was a bitter horrible ordeal drug out for way too long. 

The first year was rough but since then, there is no co parenting at all. It is all parallel. The only communication is via email/text regarding pick up/drop off day/times (DH is long distance).

There have been a lot of instances when DH would have like to have addressed things with her, but swallowed and did not as engaging with her never ends well and to be honest I think the life was sucked out of him during the divorce and the 1st year following. 

It is such ashame with people that pro create together end up so bitter (her) damaged (him) that these kids have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like and that all divorce doesn't have to be so ugly.

Goodluck's picture

I am sorry that you too have experienced this craziness of high conflict divorces. Some will last well beyond emancipation age.

Good news IS, he doesn't have to "co-parent". He does the best he can, independently of his ex in all things. Some situations that do require emergencies may not work out either. Some times he may not know about an emergency OR major event until well after the fact.

It is a new norm that your husband must stop beating his head against the way about. That includes you too.

Again sorry about this. Sad Just do the best you can.



Rags's picture

This is what a CO is for.  To define the framework and interface between the Xs regarding Custody/Visitation/ Support.

Your SO should keep s copy of his CO handy and rolled up to best the snot out of Bam with when she gets out of line.

strugglingSM's picture

I feel you...DH is a people pleaser by nature and when I met him, he would go out of his way to do whatever BM wanted. All the while, she told him what a terrible person he was, called him a deadbeat dad, told him he was a loser, she was embarrassed to have ever married him...and on and on and on. She never included him on any parenting decisions and told their children that their stepdad (her husband who moved in four months after she filed for divorce with DH) was their "dad" and told DH that "he is more of a father to your children than you'll ever be." 

He meets me, I tell him that I'm not interested in dating someone who is still in a relationship with his ex, so he puts up boundaries. She doubles down on her efforts. His family gets involved and accuses him of not caring about his children because he has moved to parallel parenting. He again tries to be nice to her...she again, plays the victim and acts as if she is always doing him favors and he does nothing for her. Everything is a drama fest. 

It is exhausting. It's even worse when other people - like in-laws - decide that they have to meddle because BM has successfully convinced them she is the victim. I'm sure it's terrible for my SKids to live with a mother like that, but I can't fix that for them, so I have to not worry about them. 

BM is always crying that DH doesn't co-parent, but she only contacts him when she wants something...she doesn't share educational info, medical info, anything else going on in the children's lives. We are not allowed to ask questions about what goes on in our home, yet, everything that goes on in ours is reported back to her. 

Parallel parenting is the only option for high conflict people. The "marriage counselor" that BM and DH saw when they were going through their divorce was the one who told DH about parallel parenting. She could see BM for who she truly was and told DH that his best course of action was to limit contact. If only he had listened to the counselor to begin with. 


shamds's picture

exwife will have been remarried to her ex high school sweetheart for 11 yrs at that point. Yeah she was hobagging him before hubby even divorced her 1 yr prior to the marriage and got married during the day while her kids were at school. They didn’t even know mum was dating. She just waits for them to get home and says “i just got married and you have a new daddy”.

even then sd’s still blame daddy for being wrong to divorce their mummy, they guilted him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me. Bio mum is allowed to move on but not daddy!! How dare he!!

Even with a court order bio mum is above it, she tried almost 2 yrs ago to control and order me around until i found steptalk barely 2-3 months in and shut that crazy shit down and told my husband that i do not get ordered by his exwife or his kids sds(then aged 13 & 23)