New here and need you already...BM has sabotoged my relationship...
Hi everyone:
As I said, I came looking for people who know what I am talking about. I am 8 months into a new marriage, my husband is wonderful. Of course his ex hates him - but you've all heard or been in that world.
This was the second summer I spent with my stepkids, they are 8. We have a really great and already working relationship. I love them like my own for the 4 weeks we get them. As a family, we function great - I don't discipline the hard stuff - I have input of course, but otherwise, I act as any adult responsible for little children should be. The kids are very drawn to me and are affectionate and tell me they love me. Honestly, when they aren't asking me to play or watch movies, we are cuddled up reading books or watching youtube!
I am setting the scene for what happened...
So I say good bye to the kids after our time with them, it's very sad as I won't see them until Christmas now. Within a day or two we get an email from his ex with all these half stories about how I was mean to HER children and tales that were just not true! We know how she manipulates the kids - she scares them, (she scares me!)the stories we hear from them come out about her (neglect, punishments etc), but we don't engage - and always talk positively of their mom and encourage them to call her etc.
So we know the kids are just being berated into telling tales, we had even talked to them about that prior to going home, yet it happened again? I am devastated and heartbroken. Its really our word against the kids words?
The ex of course does not want to hear how wonderful I am or how much the kids love spending time with us - but looking it up - it's called a Loyalty Bind. They are scared of their mom, so of course need to spin things so she doesn't berate them and she makes them feel guilty.
I don't get how people can mess with their kids like that?? I have a "jerk" of an ex - but I would never and did never use our son to manipulate situations. So I am taking this very hard.
Now the ex is talking about not letting them come to us for Christmas? There is not a thing I can do here. I cried my eyes out last night, and hearing his ex's venom and screaming totally untrue things just broke my spirit. My ex tried to defend me, but she was screeching at one point, and he is used to backing off in the line of her fire.
So now what...
Thanks Sally - you are right.
Thanks Sally - you are right. I need to do exactly that. But I even said to DH last night that I am afraid to BE with the kids as it could be spun as something bad now to appease their mom? I feel so sorry for them to live with the guilt and esp. torn feelings. THey don't understand why their mom "hates" me - but I never engage in anything like that - I always just say she loves them and then change the subject. They're only 8 - so not about to delve into the minds of a scorned ex.
FYI - she has not moved on with a relationship. I think that might help later on...
At least I am not living with stepkids that hate me (yet)! I was not responsible for their parent's breakup. It's a rollercoaster of emotions for me, and I just want to hang in here and read up on coping, and what's to come.
Any stories that relate would really help!
Breathe..
Thanks again!
Ha!!! Perfect and wise words
Ha!!! Perfect and wise words - Thank you again - I feel so much better already!
I think this is going to be such a valuable resource here for me. I don't have anyone to talk to about this that would truly get it.
Que? Chucky's not 8 yet and I
Que? Chucky's not 8 yet and I am covered in daggers.
That is so hard, isn't it:
That is so hard, isn't it: "I don't get how people can mess with their kids like that??" Well, you obviously have a BM who sees you as competition (understatement). Like Sally said above, there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in these situations that SMs may never even realize. Thank goodness we have steptalk now and others can give you a heads up, although in the end you will have to decide for yourself. A controlling BM and a weak DH almost for sure mean challenges, to say the least, for you ahead. It is good your DH attempted to defend you (some don't even do that or even agree with their ex-), but what your DH should have said was XYZ is my wife and the topic is not open for discussion in reference to XYZ; if you have an issue with how the kids are being treated, the buck stops here with me. The kids may even like you, but without BMs permission to like you (and I'm pretty sure she is not going to give it), "it's a loyalty thing" and it will more than likely continue to fester and grow until the SKs convince themselves it has nothing to do with BM's spinning and it is all about what a mean SM you are (facts mean very little to nothing in a SM or step-dad situation). DH needs to be proactive now and present you as his wife and as a team. I can already see BM has the upper-hand, and it may very well wind up where years down the road, you or your DH don't have much of a relationship with his children, and it will have very little to do with either of you. Strong bitter, controlling BMs often win, unfortunately. It's a loyalty thing and they spend the vast majority of their time with her. Even as adults SKs may not "get it." Many don't. Thus: Focus on your marriage and let your husband and his ex- work out any issues with their children. But, I hear you. . . those kids can be so cute sometimes, regardless, and it is difficult to not get pulled in.
You SO get this and I am
You SO get this and I am glad. I know my hands are tied and I can't make this all work out on my own - so as suggested - I disengage when I can. We are actually moving closer, BM doesn't know this yet - so we will be able to see the kids on a better schedule. Pretty sure she will be kicking and screaming about that as she never would have suspected we would do that. Right now DH is overseas and I live across the country from her and the kids. We are moving 3 hrs away.
I need to follow your advice and focus on my marriage now. But note I have not interfered in any way - but she makes up these scenarios that are totally untrue? I will keep reading posts on here to gain some more experience - but I need to find a way to cope or something I can tell myself when his ex goes crazy with him re: me?
Take care and thanks for taking the time. I can feel the knot in my stomach releasing a bit more
I have to say I wasn't sure
I have to say I wasn't sure what to expect here - but very, very helpful. I will be partaking in the wine-therapy tonite on your suggestion
I don't ever deal directly with the BM - in fact I have never even met her in person. She is volatile (my blood runs cold when she screams at my husband or the kids on the phone)and I know better than to mess with someone like that. I am here to support my husband best I can, which adds to her flames as she apparently hates to see him happy. I also have to admit I have been in her shoes somewhat - and I get it to a degree - but as much as I would hate my ex - and in my case his GF is not my favorite person - I have chosen to NEVER involve my son in our matters - only talk to my ex about our son - and we co-parent very well that way. Mind you he is 19 and not 8...
No Lady and our naivety is
No Lady and our naivety is quite something to behold. All my little happily ever after blended family loving.
You are right - how can I
You are right - how can I treat the kids any different than I do? It sounds bad maybe, but I DO know my place in all this. I am a nice person, and caring in nature - not the monster the BM is hoping or attempting to portray me as being...
I grew up with a stepfather and a stepmother and step siblings and all that goes along with that - so I walked into this with eyes wide open. And I/we are not young parents - this is his 3rd round and my second! But we are both great and involved parents to all 5 of our kids, and just need to iron out the logistics right now.
His ex is a very, very bitter person and I have to say I thought I would get my head bit off here in this forum for saying that - but it seems to be common? I appreciate all these words of wisdom! Who's joining me in cocktail therapy tonite!
OK - this is great advice and
OK - this is great advice and I agree to nip this all in the bud now. Although that said - she was screeching at him last night that he was defending me and he better not be - and did he believe me over his daughter etc etc. A real pissing contest...all this in front of the kids (at her end)...it mortifying...
It's mind boggling what she is saying - it's like she is delusional for real? Like she believes her OWN lies? We know for a FACT the kids would fess up if she didn't intimidate them.
Hoping when we move closer we can have them more time - but she will lose it as she would lose the FULL control.
Sigh - could be way worse, I know that, but disheartening none the less...
Take care and thank you!
Hi Bailey - wow - you know
Hi Bailey - wow - you know exactly what I mean? and your advice "have your DH gently remind the kids that they have lived the truth with you and in their hearts they know the truth" is exactly what I am going to do. I just think if the BM is already doing this convincing the kids I was horrible already - what is she capable of? That I think is what scares me the most. His little girl got on the phone last night with him and sadly asked her Dad why I said all those bad things about her to her mom...I was listening on Skype and my mouth dropped to the floor?? I did NOT say anything like that?? SO my heart broke thinking this poor little thing who I lay watching Barbie movies with now thinks I told all these lies about her? How could a BM DO that to a little kid? My DH gently told her that wasn't what happened - but over the phone is not as good as looking into their eyes and telling them they know the truth. I can't defend myself. You get it - so I am preaching to the choir:-)
Thank you over and over everyone. I am starting to see this in a different way - but not taking it personally is going to be a huge hurdle.