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lovingmyfamily14's picture

Hi everyone! New here and fairly new to being a stepmom.

I have 3 children. A 12 and 13 year old from a previous marriage and my Dh and I have 5 month old. Along with that Dh has full custody of his son who is 7.

Dh finally gained sole custody due to the mother getting the child taken from her twice due to drugs and abuse. He has been in his care for almost 2 years now.

The court asked DH earlier in thr year if mom could have visits. When they took the child the last time she was pushed in a corner and the court convinced her to relinquish all rights to the child. She did just that. Anyways, dh agreed to visits, supervised.
Since the Mom has been coming around again she has really been trying to cause issues between Dh and I. Of course we see what she is trying to do and it isn't cause any problems at all but I am afraid in time it will wear on both of us. She has made it very clear that she does not want me involved with her child in any way. That is really hard since he lives with me. I don't involve myself with his Dr visits, school conferences etc. But doing family activities, she expects her son not be involved!! I WILL NOT do that to this child. Dh has told her that I don't involve myself with important things like dr appointments, conferences at school etc. She doesn't believe him for what ever reason. Now she has this perception that she can come and go in my home when ever she wants. Dh and I put a stop to this but is still pushing to be able to come and hang out in my home. Dh
Thinks she is jealous amonst the fact she thinks I am trying to take her place.

For those that have been in situations like this or more experienced step parents, how do you handle this? Should i sit down and talk to her about this? Let it go or what? I just hate animosity and don't want drama.

Thanks Smile

hereiam's picture

You talking to her will do no good and probably make it worse.

The fact is, she relinquished her rights. Yes, she is still his mother but your DH and you are the ones raising him and there really is no reason for you to not be involved, unless you don't want to be.

For her to not want her son to be involved in family activities is ludicrous and not her call.

If she was so concerned about someone taking her place, she should not have gotten herself into the position of being forced to give up her parental rights. In this case, it sounds like someone taking her place as the female parental figure would be a good thing.

I think your DH should make it clear to her what her role is and where the boundaries lie. Hanging out at your home and having any say in what your role is, is crossing a boundary, given the circumstance.

It takes more to be a mother than just giving birth and unless and until she can prove that she can be something positive in her son's life, I think your DH should limit contact. And definitely keep the visits supervised, it's only matter of time before she starts filling her son's head with bull, if she's not trying already.

lovingmyfamily14's picture

I have often wondered if she is filling his head full of things. I would hate to think a parent would do such but I need not to be damn naive as well. The mom lives with her dad and a set of grandparents live there as well and the visits she has with the child are supervised to a point. There are always times where she can say what she wished to the child. Which when he comes home his behavior is irratic for a couple of days then he calms down.

I think you are right. Talkig to her probably will not help at all. The fact that I have a suspicion that she is still using drugs(That is just a suspicion and truly none of my business) she has this "it's all about me mindset" and with that..the conversation could go very badly and quick.

I don't involve myself in those important issues of the child's life just out of respect. I am not his mother. But on the hand like you said..I am raising the child. It is just a hard situation. I don't want to step on toes.

Dh did set boundaries with her, she just thinks she can talk her way into what SHE wants. He said that is her way of life. She has been like that since she was young. Just like the other evening he was discussing a visit with her and she said that she gets a 3 hour visit during the week. So Dh was asking her what day, she said...oh I will just come over and hang out with him for those 3 hours on my off weekend. Dh stopped her right there and said. Absolutely NOT! It will be on a week day and you will need to bring supervision as you will not be coming into my home. She went on to say that he was trying to keeo her out of her sons life because she is not welcome in our home. LOL.

Now that I type this stuff out and read it...I don't think she would be to internalize and take me seriously if I would try to have a conversation with her. I guess I will just let it go and hope that it will die down.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Absolutely do not allow her to waltz in and out of your home. Your husband has all the power in this relationship because she gave up her rights. Your husband needs to use that power and remind this trainwreck that she is there only by the grace of his mercy.

The dynamic you describe is that DH has some ideas of boundaries. But not enough. He needs to protect that little boy from what will surely be the malevolent influence of his mother. Visitation should be infrequent and definitely supervised. And at all times BM should be on her best behavior or she knows she risks losing even that. She will only gain this healthy respect if your DH makes her remember her precarious position at all times.

This is not about anything but what's best for that boy. Go read these boards about kids who have been "PASed" by a spiteful BM. Around the age of 13-15 they can really turn hideous on you merely because their Mom has filled their heads with nonsense and jerked their hearts around. You need to maintain a very, very, very firm boundary with this woman starting this minute so her ability to make the kid lie and misbehave in heinous ways will be minimized. Even so, she will still be a danger to the boy and by extension to the rest of you. Keep. Her. Out.

lovingmyfamily14's picture

I know this may sound silly but how would you set boundaries with someone that doesn't understand boundaries? Or maybe she does and just doesn't care. How do you deal with one like that. Do they eventually stop after being consistent with them in saying no? I hae truly never had to deal with some one like this. Some times I wonder what I have gotren myself into.

lovingmyfamily14's picture

I think I should mention another reason this is really bothering me. She had wrote the judge a letter stating she a
had all of these concerns, stating that she thinks that Dh and I are unfit parents and since she has been sober for 16 months she finds it necessary to fight for full custody. We got a copy of the letter with some serious allegations. Dh went to court yesterday and the judge told her to cut it out. He has given her 2 chances and she blew it. He told her that he would not give her custody. If she wanted to fight it she would have to take it to a higher court.

lovingmyfamily14's picture

Thanks for replying guys. Some times it is good to get someone elses prespective on the situation.

I talked to Dh and he said that he is going to limit contact. She may call and talk to her child but that is going to be it.