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Need Advice! Am I wrong?

Dean23's picture
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I have two kids and see them every other weekend. I talked to my wife about my oldest teenage son coming over a few days past the weekend. I did not give her an exact date, but in my mind, it would be the next time I see him. This week she planned a surprise birthday party for her daughter, who is turning 16. She has invited several of her daughter's friends and her daughter's boyfriend. She told me she did not want my son to say longer than the weekend since her daughter's party is on Tuesday. She also has a son who lives with us is about my son's age and he will be present. I was very hurt that she did not want my son to be here because of her daughter's party. I could understand if it was an all-girls party, and no boys were allowed. I told her my son does not have to be involved and would probably be playing Xbox. We are all one family, and if the situation was reversed, I would want her child to be here. I feel that she is not treating all the kids fairly. I have communicated to her my feelings in the matter and is causing a big division. It's now not about this one situation but about a more significant issue of feeling my kids are not welcome. I need advice on if i'm wrong on feeling this way and how to handle this.

hereiam's picture

There is absolutely no reason your son cannot be there. Your wife is being a... I mean, unreasonable.

Survivingstephell's picture

Do the kids all get along?
 

 Might be nice to take your son out for an adventure that night.  It's hard to blend older kids and forcing it might backfire.  Be sure for both of you to tell her happy birthday as you leave the house.  Go have fun.  
 

Dean23's picture

My son and her son get along. Her daughter stays to herself and probably would not invite my son if asked. They are 2 years difference in age and don't really have any communication.

Dean23's picture

I had originally told my son he could come but my wife had strong feelings him not coming. So I told him something came up and he could come over another time. Couldn't tell him the truth that his step mom doesn't want him here while his step sister has a party. I told my wife we may need a counselor so we can talk things out concerning my kids. But I don't think she will go. She thinks she is totally in the right and I'm in the wrong to feel this way. So I'm having a hard time on how to go forward. She will go on like nothings wrong. I told her I'm not letting this go.

Survivingstephell's picture

IMO it's wrong of your wife to ban your son from your life that day. You came into this family with a son. It doesn't sound like you are forcing him into the party , just revolting against being told he can't be there at the house.  Does your wife expect you to play a role in this party?  There are times in a Blended family where each half goes their own way and it should be ok.  This sounds like one of those times.  You shouldn't allow your wife to make you chose, it's just a thing to balance and respect in each other, the parental role for each kid.  

Willow2010's picture

I don't think you are wrong to a certain extent.  If they are not friends then he should not be involved in her party.  But that does not mean you should not be able to have your son there.  Take him somewhere.  Keep him away from the party.  

Total honesty here...we used to plan most of my kids partys when SS could not be here.  The reason for that was that they all did not get along very well and SS would ALWAYS have to be center of attention when ever anyone was around.  So it was just easier to not have him there.  

Also...my DH never knew we planed it that way.  

Kaylen2308's picture

Has she given any reason why she doesn't want him there? Are you going to be home also for his extra days or will you be working? 

 

tog redux's picture

I can see both sides on this one. If stepsiblings don't have a good bond, they shouldn't have to invite each other to their birthday party, especially if it's on a day the stepsibling wasn't going to be there for his normal time. Having her brother there is different than having her stepbrother there.

On the other hand, you had already told her that you wanted your son for those days, and she went ahead and planned a party anyway - she could have done it on a day he wasn't there and avoided all of this.

I'd like to hear her side of the situation.

Saints Are Back's picture

"I did not give her an exact date, but in my mind, it would be the next time I see him."

 

It was in his mind. As soon as he heard there was a party he decided to include his son. But why isn't he hurt that his younger wasn't also invited since his argument is that they are "one family"? I'd assume that his wife dreads his children being there and she just wants a birthday party for her kids with her children and their friends only. I understand how he feels but I also think him forcing everyone to be one family is wrong and will not end up well.

I personally think he should let that go. He can have his son extra time the next visit and he should realize that his child is there to be with him and he should stop expecting his wife to be all trilled about playing one big happy family. He can be a good father and a good husband without forcing feelings in her that she doesn't have.  She is not his children's mother and I'm sure she doesn't care about them and there is nothing wrong with that if she is civil and all.

And you are right, she has her own side and reasons and if she doesn't want to talk to him about it it's probably because she knows very well he will get all defensive and it will be all her fault because "she is the adult".

OP you can't change the way people feel and this woman married you because she loved you and unless she vowed that she'll love your kids like her own it's time to be realistic and give her a break.