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More threats from the alienator

Biostep7777's picture

So HCBM told DH that her brother is coming in from out of town. It is of course over DH's time. He explained to her that we already have plans. She told the kids their cousins are coming and they want to see them. She told DH that she's concerned that if he blocks them from seeing their cousins that it will further strain their relationship. She's such a manipulative horrible sick abuser. Their relationship is strained because SHE keeps doing things like this. Then put him in the position that she WILL tells them kids it's his fault. So sick. Using her kids like that. 

So, we have two choices. Stick with our plans and deal with his kids being complete a-holes and ruining our time because they rather be with her or just giving into her manipulation and letting them just go and dealing with this endlessly. I'm sick of fighting with a very unhealthy toxic person. She is beyond sick. 

I do think it's absolutely horrendous that she completely disregards DH's time with the kids, threatening him to obey her demands or she will tell the kids that he "blocked them" and tries to guilt him. She's just trash. Complete trash. But, the courts don't give a crap and nothing will ever be done about it. This is hell. 

nengooseus's picture

The best way of handling it is to stick to your plans and make the kids "suffer."  Be the sane ones, the stable ones.  Talk about the feelings they have, but don't let them get away with bad behavior, either.  Don't let them be in charge of how things go.  Teach them about respect and kindness, as best you can.  Model good behavior.  Hold them accountable.  Be everything that she is not and can't be.  It's painful, but it's the best you can do.

BUT if you and DH can't do all that, it's OK to step back, too.  Whatever you do has to work for you guys.

Oh, and she'll always be trash.  Best case scenario, the kids will see her for what she is over time.

tog redux's picture

Yep, she's good at this, and she will not stop, don't hope for that.

Decide what works for you.  BM here would do this too, but mostly SS was good with us when he wasn't directly on the phone with her, so if we got him away on vacation he was okay. The first thing to do is to offer to switch weeks with BM. Then you are showing that you tried to negotiate in good faith.

If BM won't switch weeks, then you decide what's more important to you - showing BM that she can't control everything, or enjoying your vacation.  If I were in your shoes, I'd give her the kids and you and DH go away and have fun. These kids are NEVER, ever, going to build a good relationship with you and your family.  Don't saddle your family with a couple of acting out jerk kids who are being alienated. My family tried, and they were good to SS, but they don't much like him because of how he has treated DH and because BM's drama would ruin our family get-togethers.

One thing to do is to give up your and DH's dream of you guys doing things as a "family". It's not going to happen - do what works for you and brings you peace. You have married a man with a HCBM and the only person you can change is YOU. Distance from the kids and protect yourself, your kids and your family from the fall-out of DH's baggage.

Also, if your DH dropped his court battle, she'd likely settle down, at least somewhat. So he needs to consider that.

CastleJJ's picture

ALL OF THIS. Try to offer to switch weeks, if BM says no, then figure out which approach you want to take: give BM what she wants to maintain your sanity and enjoy your vacation OR show BM that she can't control you and maintain your visitation. Either tactic is not going to silence BM. If you give in, she will continue to demand more and more and continue the abuse. If you maintain your visitation, she will throw a tantrum and try new tactics against you and DH. You are in a lose lose either way, you just have to figure out which option you want to live with. 

Our SS also does fine away from BM and we tend to have a great time. Your skids may not "suffer" if they are forced to be with you. It is likely just a manipulation tactic to get you to cave to BM. 

You guys need to figure out your game plan going forward. If you want to show BM who is boss and maintain some control, stick to the CO regardless of BM's abuse. If you are over it and want to maintain your sanity, drop rope and keep giving into BM. You guys have to figure out what you want and go after it. You need to demonstrate consistency, not fighting once here and caving once there. You either stick to the CO consistently or you say "F it" and don't. 

Winterglow's picture

"So sorry kids, your mom won't let you go on vacation with us. Such a pity you won't be able to play with relativeX's dogs, they are SO cute! And relativeY lives by the beach/lake/forest! We could have had so much fun fishing/swiming/etc."

But I'm a bad person so it's best not to listen to me :) 

simifan's picture

I'm with Winterglow on this one. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire. The way we nipped this in the bud with BM was simply refusing to give up the custody weekend and playing Disney family for the weekend. Yes we went to the family party on Sunday that was scheduled. But Friday night we hit one of those kids arcades for dinner and spent Saturday at the local amusement park. We made sure to invite all the cousins she enjoyed to the family party. Kind of hard to say sorry you missed seeing "Uncle Bob" because Dad was mean with all of that going on.

I don't think we even had to do it twice. It was more then worth it. BM because much more reasonable and was suddenly willing to switch weekends & schedule in advance. (Always make sure you get your make-up time in advance of BM's day.)

Thumper's picture

Hmmm so Uncle so and so picked a weekend bm doesnt have her kids??.

They are very close family ....NOT. But they pretend they are right?

IF the kids were so important to Uncle so and so, AND he repected their relationshp with dh, AND he respected a court order,  he would have asked what week/weekend she had the kids. THEN scheduled his visit.

Absolutly, let bm keep the kids. I wouldnt ask for make up time either. That will cause more drama.

Go back the the regular schedule. Just save text or emails she asked. 

Last little thought, get bm and the kids on the phone,  SPEAKER style. HEY your mom asked me if it was ok that you stay at her house because your Uncle is coming. I think it is a GREAT IDEA.  See you on such and such day. 

You could say "TRY" to have fun......that is out of the HCBM handbook.

Dont forget to call and call AND call all weekend long. That is out of the BM handbook too.

Or not, that is up to you.



1dad4kids's picture

BM tried to pull this on DH one Easter like forever ago so DH said "why don't you get the kids dropped off here and they can come along with us. Then they can spend time together and our plans aren't ruined" 

BM didn't even message DH back after that one lol. She never expected he'd take on 4 kids.