Is it appropriate to rely on my ex(s) for emotional support?
My life is peaceful these days. I find myself in a loving and monogamous relationship with an ethical and emotionally stable man who I adore. I'm grateful and happy. We are planning to move in together over the summer and I'm excited for this. However, I have fear based on my past experience. He has a daughter (16) who seems well adjusted and kind, but I wonder what types of issues may show up as we cohabitate.
I'm accustomed to relying on my daughter's father and another past love interest for emotional support. During my toxic and terrible relationship with my ex-husband I began to go to my daughters father for support. I mostly find I go to him when it relates to our daughter (17), but sometimes for other things like career or financial advice. I notice it is not just when our daughter has a struggle but when something goes really well I want to share it with my ex first. I find that nobody loves her like him and I do and it is really comforting to share her accomplishments with him. I find that when we are watching her play sports together I feel the most comfortable and happy. I have zero romantic type feelings for my ex but I do respect and appreciate him.
The other ex love interest provides me with flattering comments and has always helped my confidence. When I was with my toxic ex I shared my relationship struggles with him. He often makes comments in gest about how we should be together; including telling me to move to his geographical location. They are jokes but I think if I showed interest he would be an option. He has been important to me keeping my sense of self and maybe my sanity to a certain extent when my parasite toxic ex was gaslighting me. I go to him less now than I used to but I still really enjoy his support. I don't have romantic feelings for him any longer either, but I also have not seen him in person in 15 years.
My question is, is this inappropriate? Does it keep me from a certain closeness with my current love interest? Do these things highlight that something is missing in my current relationship or is it normal to get emotional support from places other than your partner. It seems unrealistic to expect your partner to provide all of your emotional needs....overthinking maybe but comments are welcomed!
Yes to all your questions.
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The only person you should be
The only person you should be confiding in is your partner. Not your exes. That is emotional cheating.
I think the question you need
I think the question you need to ask yourself is, "if I were to share this post with my BF, would he be hurt that I am relying on other people to fulfil my emotional needs?"
I could be convinced that some of your interactions with your BD's father are acceptable. A text or conversation sharing how proud you are of your daughter and her accomplishments seems well within the realm of acceptable, especially since a SP likely won't share in that same pride. It crosses the line, though, when you rely on him for guidance on other life choices. Unless you two have remained friends, and your BF is comfortable with that friendship, you lost the privilege of your ex's advice when you split.
Regarding the other "former love interest", that sounds like straight-up emotional cheating. If you know he'd jump at the chance to date if you'd take him up on one of his "joke" offers, then it's not a joke. He isn't joking. He's just protecting his ego by cushioning his request as a "joke". You like the attention, and I'm sure there is some rush that comes from having someone else finding you desirable. That rush is the same one that fuels many cheaters to cheat.
You need to figure out if your BF is okay with this, and if he isn't, if you're okay with giving these relationships up for him. If you're not, then you need to not move forward with your BF. You also owe it to yourself to find out why you need/want this emotional support. It's not bad that you want it, or even bad that you seek it out, SO LONG AS you're single or in a relationship structure where it's okay. If you can't have this conversation with your BF for fear that he might get upset, then that tells you right there that you're in the wrong as it relates to your relationship.
It definitely is not appropriate.
Your partner should be your confidante, not your Xes. If I were your partner, this would be the end of the relationship. Even if you have kids with one or more of these people you confide in.
Just my thoughts of course.
Thanks everyone!
Thanks for all of the thoughts they are really helpful. I think it is clear that this is emotional cheating after reflecting a little. I think this is how I had to function to survive my last toxic relationship. I also think it is time for me to leave these things behind in order to pursue a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend, who I adore. I made it clear to the ex love interest that I won't be having these types of conversations anymore. I felt a little sad about letting him go if I'm honest but I know it is the right thing. It's easier with my daughters father if I don't go there he won't. I spoke to my boyfriend after I had let my ex love go to let him know how this had gone for so many years. He's an amazing and understanding partner, but he also made it clear that he wants to be my emotional support and he would not be ok with this going forward especially in the case of my ex love....I'm still healing and learning, but I'm on a good path
I think it's a little odd to
I think it's a little odd to be honest, but then again we can't get all things from one person. I think as long as your partner is ok with it then it's nobody else's business. So the real question is does your partner even know about it?