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Issues with ex-wife / remarriage

Modis1603's picture

I'm new to the forum / online support thing, so bear with me Smile

My husband's ex-wife got remarried last week. We found out the night before (from his kids). She refuses to introduce the new husband to my husband. She refuses to help facilitate a relationship / co-parenting relationship between the two. I realize this shouldn't surprise me since she makes zero effort to do these things herself, but my husband is so upset. There's nothing legal we can do to "make" her introduce the new man that will be a HUGE part of the kid's lives (we live out of state - military) ... and she basically told him she didn't have to and "tough."

When my husband and I got serious and we decided to introduce me to the children, he bent over backwards to arrange a Skype, then an in-person introduction, etc., before I even spent time with the kids - to help foster a mom/stepmom relationship in the best interest of the children. She is doing nothing of the sort, and obviously has no intention to. I have two children and, thankfully, we don't have this issue with my ex. Thankfully, my ex-husband is a man who appreciates how important healthy co-parenting is.

Should I just sit back and encourage my husband and be an understanding ear? Should I contact his ex and try and encourage anything? Or just put this in the huge list of poor co-parenting and contempt charges we will probably have to end up taking her to court for?

I'm just still in shock that someone would marry someone that will be in their child's daily lives without introducing him to the child's father!!! Just appalling.

And no, there are not any cases of infidelity or abuse (emotional, physical, chemical, etc.).

Modis1603's picture

I never said she needed his approval. However, I think most people would want to meet and know something about who their child is living with on a daily basis...

hereiam's picture

No, you should not contact the ex.

What difference will it make it the 2 men meet or not? The ex's husband does not need to co-parent with your husband.

tessa12's picture

It's the "right" thing to do to introduce one's significant other/ spouse to the father/mother of your child/ren, but not everyone does. Continue to have your DH communicate directly with the mother of his children.

I kind of think you're giving her too much power here. She likely loves that she's the center of attention/being mysterious. Focus on the kids. If there's an issue, you'll know, unless they're very, very young.

tessa12's picture

Both the OP and I agree it's the polite, responsible, respectful thing to do, hence the quotes. And in many cases, there is a requirement in custody orders to inform the ex-spouse of a change of address and marital status, which of course, implies an introduction. I'm sure "PLENTY" of people don't do it. Both OP and I had an expectation of civility.

uofarkchick's picture

Does it say in the CO that she has to introduce her new husband to your husband? If it doesn't, then how are you going to charge her with contempt?

And no, "we" aren't going to charge her with contempt. Not your kids, no your CO. I'm 99.9% sure your name isn't in there. Let your husband and his ex wife handle it. You will be much happier if you stop trying to control things that are out of your control.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Can you explain what you mean by you and bm co-parenting? Do you mean you and she set rules and discipline parameters together? set schedules? agree on activities? If so, how does dad enter in to the parenting of his own children?

And what is he needing from bm's new husband? some kind of co-dadship? What exactly does that entail?

I'm genuinely curious so I hope you'll help me understand.

secret's picture


Me exhusband couldn't care less whether he met SO or not... he trusts that I'm capable of deciding who is in my kids' life.

SO's ex has wanted to meet me to the point of harassing us. I have not met her, and I don't plan to. Who I am is none of her business - SO is just as much the parent as she is, and if he deems me worthy of being in his kids life, that's enough.

It mught be the "right" thing to do - but it's in no way a requirement. Neither you nor your husband have the right to demand to meet him - your husband's ex is fully capable of deciding whether her new husband should be in the kids life.

What would meeting him achieve? It's not like if your husband disproves, she will leave him... I would strongly suggest you drop it.

secret's picture

Also, the only people who need to coparent and tour husband and his ex.

You can coparent with your husband... but you have no business coparenting with the mom, just like Mims husband can coparent with her...but not with your husband.

This isn't a 4 parent family. It's 3 families, each doing their own thing in their own home.

Thumper's picture

Please do not expect bm and her hubby to be chummy with you and your husband (bio dad). Don't think she 'should meet you' since you are in her kids lives.

They are divorced from the marriage and NOW must parent independently from each other.

You are never obligated to friend her on social media. Your also not obligated to give her your cell or email.

It is my hope that your dh and she both are mature adults.

Look UP low contact and parallel parenting. TWO divorced parents can very successfully parent their kids with little to no contact.

ITS blissful.

Remember the old saying be careful for what you wish for. It holds very true here.

Be happy she isn't walking into your home unannounced while your asleep. It has been known to happen.
Or be happy she hasn't broken into your home stealing things.

OR showing UP uninvited to family events. OR attempting to have a Judge order her to come and go into your home when ever she pleases.

Rags's picture

I have no use for my SS's SpermIdiot and neither does my wife. The only interface we have ever had with him has been in court on multiple occasions and few very brief sightings during visitation transfers when we either dropped off or picked up SS for his SpermClan visitations.

Though your DH, with your support and participation, did the adult and honorable thing when he arranged an introduction between you and his XW I can completely understand how and why BM and her new husband wouldn't do the same thing.

Don't let this have too much space in your head. If interface with BM and her DH is minimal and they do not interfere in your DH's time with his kids... that is a good thing IMHO. If this StepDad turns out to be toxic.... you and DH can deal with that by smacking BM around in court.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

MissDenise's picture

Your DH sounds controlling imo. She moved on and sounds like he wants to micro-manage their home. Sorry but what goes on in her home and who she marries etc. is her business. Time for your dh to move on. We didn't want anything to do with bm either for many reasons. We did the agreed upon pick up and drop-offs until he was old enough to drive. As spouses we co-parented together which worked out great in our home. We didn't bother BM, and she parented in her home while the child was there. I think more couples are doing with their spouses. contrary to what some think a ex isn't for life just because there are kids.