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I overstepped and now I'm embarrassed

NoEven12's picture

My DH has been having me pick up his son for his scheduled parenting time for the last year because I'm a SAHM to our own toddler. I was always fine with it because I felt equal in the relationship. When BM needs to drop SS off for parenting time early for her convenience and it's just me and DS here I've allowed it. Ive kept SS during parenting time that DH wasn't home so SS and DS could see eachother. All of this made me believe that I was equally important and qualified as a parent. I was starting to feel like our relationship was going in the right direction. I even asked her if she wanted to get together to take the kids out outside of parenting time. However I know what I'm about to say is going to seem petty but, I tried following BM on social media so I could keep up with SS and see pictures when we don't have him and she deleted my request. Now I feel like I've had the whole thing wrong the whole time. I'm extremely embarrassed. I hate being a SM. I try so hard with her and SS and I still feel unwanted.

Harry's picture

REMEMBER BM is not your friend. She will be nice when it does something for her. You, babysitting when she works, goes out with BF,
Has her self done up. She want to make sure CS checks comes in. Think about this you are kind of like the maid. Escept you don’t get paid,
Your the maid and you pay her. Sorry this is not nice, but that how it works, and if youreading other postings, you are not alone

NoEven12's picture

I know! I should have known better. It's been a rough three years dealing with all of this. I should have stayed in my lane and never went the extra mile for her.

WTF...REALLY's picture

OMG!!!!!! That is seriously the best line I’ve read on the site in all my years.

“ you’re a maid and you pay her”

This was so my life for at least five years. Cracks me up because it’s true!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Being a stepmother is very difficult. You take on so much responsibility, but in the end so much of it was just taken for granted. By both biological parents.

If it’s working out well, then just leave it as is. Trying to become friends with biological mom truly might not be in everyone’s best interest.

NoEven12's picture

I should have known better I just wanted to model a healthy relationship for my own son. This sucks.

futurobrillante99's picture

Being a stepmother is a thankless job. If you got into this thinking your spouse, BM or stepchildren were going to appreciate you, you've been duped.

You have to do what YOU want to do on YOUR terms and not expect any appreciation. Do what makes YOU happy and makes YOUR life simpler. Not what makes your husband's life easier or helps him avoid his responsibilities as a parent.

It's fine to, on occasion, step up for your spouse, but you cannot replace the mother and should not over function for their father.

And trying to win favor with the BM is pointless. Just be you and do what you think is right. Her opinion of you shouldn't matter to you. What YOU think of YOU is more important, and what your husband thinks of you should matter next.

pixielady's picture

Stop letting her drop SS off early. You're not her babysitter. You're not her friend. You're not SSs mom.

ESMOD's picture

Just because you can be civil and work through things flexibly doesn't mean that you two need to be friends. There is a difference between being "friendly" and being friends. Apparently you took her being pleasant as an opening to be closer personally.

Honestly, that was probably a bridge too far for her. She probably doesn't want to share her intimate friends and family life with you... just as you might not want her present on your 'girls night out' with YOUR friends.

I would not be embarassed.. nor would I be offended. Boundaries are perfectly acceptable. For her, she is fine with seeing you during joint events and working with you on pickups and drop offs etc.. she has been nice and cordial.. that's a win.

Also, don't get her reluctance to be your FB friend, be any indication that she doesn't see you as a capable parent or guardian for your or her son. She may well think that.. and not have a problem with any of it. That still doesn't mean she wants to have you on her facebook feed.

Again, Boundaries.. healthy and appropriate would dictate that the EXW and NewW don't have to be best friends.. Nice if you can get along for the kids.. but no need to be besties.

NoEven12's picture

I feel like it's just me though. She's got my DH bio dad(who none of us even talk to), sister, brothers, and mom on social media. She tried adding me when I first got with my DH and we were just dating but I was uncomfortable then and I had nothing to do with her son at that point.

ESMOD's picture

TBH.. none of those people are sleeping with her EX-husband. Her initial ask may have been rethought at this point... maybe even an error.

I wouldn't take it personally, because I don't think she means it as some judgement on your standing as a person.. as another person said.. world colliding..type of thing.

futurobrillante99's picture

I wouldn't like my husband being Facebook friends with his ex. Does she behave herself on his Facebook page?

strugglingSM's picture

If she added you early on and you didn't accept, this could just be payback.

I wouldn't take it too personally, just note it and know that you are friendly with BM, but not friends (as someone noticed above, there is a big difference).

skatermom's picture

Agreed. You slipped up, thinking she was going to be your BFF, she isn't. I wouldn't accepted my girls Stepmother's friend request either. Too weird, world colliding. A girl needs some privacy.

MurphysLaw's picture yeah, why would she want you as “friends “ on social media?
The Pig aka BM, Made a fake FB in SS25 name & sent me a friend request the first month SO & I were dating....complete nut job, considering:
1. All 3 skids were 18+
2. She was remarried & lived 4 states away...
She’s just a jealous Pig.

Dovina's picture

No need to be embarrassed. You tried, everyone has different boundaries. You help her out by taking SS, she certainly doesn't have a problem with that. I suppose facebook is some kind of boundary crossing. She is sending you a message, no I am not your friend. OK then, remember that and do not do the extras. It was rude of her IMO since you do have a civil relationship and she is friends with DH's family. If she had more decency she could have accepted the request and had you only seeing certain posts.

somethingwicked's picture

You have no reason to feel embarrassed because you were working from what is usually common civility under "normal" social environs or climate.
There is nothing normal with blended family environment.
You are very giving.

Does your DH appreciate that you are so selfless with your time ,picking up his son from a previous relationship so that SS and BS have a chance at bonding like family?
Does he appreciate that you are giving his EX more down time to spend how she sees fit while ceding motherhood responsibilities to you without any compensation or
in kind return ?

I bet not.
I bet he is happy to leave the house ,go about his life w/o any idea or interest in what is going on and how you are being used and maligned.
SAHM does not mean you are to be abused and used by a woman who is not family.

AND neither are you to be used and abused by your DH who may be very much a clay footed mealy mouth afraid to tell his ex a damn thing when it comes to boundaries.
I think this what you shared may very well be the tip of the iceberg in your marriage where the EX and the dysfunction is concerned.

You are a SAHM for your child and a wife to DH.That is enough.You are not the AuPair for the EX.
Stick to your guns and draw new boundaries. SS gets picked up and dropped off by DH (OR EX) when HE ,DH, is home. It is HIS child. Visiting is for his benefit to maintain a relationship with his son by EX..If DH gets all pissy then you know he is intimidated by EX and is afraid to rock the boat that was floated for HER benefit.
Even if you were all onboard at the get go you can change your mind.
I definitely would.
This EX Bio is not your friend.But she loves to use you.

You made an error misinterpreting her actions. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

NoEven12's picture

You really hit the nail on the coffin about DH. Originally I felt reluctant about even picking up SS from BM by myself. I didn't want to do it because it wasn't my responsibility but he forced it because we are a "family" and I'm his "parent too". I told him I no longer want him when DH is not home or working late. It's time to draw boundaries. It is HIS son. I'm tired of having parental responsibilities to a child that is not mine but none of the other benefits. Done. Done. Done.

somethingwicked's picture

Good to hear . He still respects you.
Some may not receive that from their partners and expect WW3.

hereiam's picture

Haha! Yes, you are a "family" and your are his "parent too" when it's convenient for DH and BM. The kid has two parents, you are not one of them.

somethingwicked's picture

Good for you.
I admire your self-respect and courage to stand up for yourself and in so doing you stand up for YOUR place in the marriage and your child, too.
Too often SM ( and her child/children with DH)is (are ) made to feel like second banana or" less than" to the "Original" family.
Eff That.

Now you know the score. You are not responsible for SS ,pick up ,drop offs or raising/babysitting.

That responsibility falls to DH's and EX, the bio mother.
Never again allow him or her to use you and take advantage of your good nature.

I'd smack him on the head for good measure just for saying that crap "family and you are his parent ,too" line.

You have NO legal jurisdiction over SS.
If his Ex wants you to care for her kid while he is out of town and she wants downtime to play then tell her she can pay you YOUR babysitting rate. Upfront for the designated time .
And an extra 2 hour deposit in case she is late for pickup. Charge her $30 an hour. Your time is valuable, too.

Bet ,too, DH is afraid of his EX .

Now watch how pissy his Ex will become.

Stand firm, girl.You are doing it right. Wink

Ispofacto's picture

This may not be personal at all.

For example, I have some coworkers I absolutely adore, really. But I don't try to see them outside of work, and I don't friend them on FB. Because I don't need them knowing all the details of my weird religious and political views, seeing me wearing a bikini, or seeing what I posted the last time I got shit-faced. Maybe I don't even want them to KNOW I get shitfaced. I do. That's all.

Have you ever found the more you got to know certain people, the more you realized they might be a bit crazy?

My nextdoor neighbor of 8 years was butthurt we weren't friends on facebook, so now we recently are. I feel a little awkward about it. Same reasons. His fiance is weird. I'd rather not know things about her. Ick. I liked her better before. And I still see her at parties and whatnot.

They say that "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors." Maybe she just wants to keep your relationship professional.

notasm3's picture

Very early on in my relationship with DH, BM called DH about a medical issue (that turned out to be terminal) with their older son. As this was many years ago when texting was not that common so I agreed that she could text me as DH did not text.

She was a total bitch and bit my head off on the texting. I sent her a text saying "you asked me to text you - what is the problem". That started off WWIII. When their son died she held the funeral and told everyone that DH could not be bothered to attend even though he was not notified until days afterwards.

BM is a total worthess POS. Done.