You are here

Fix or move out

Kal1988's picture

Where do I start?

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. She has a daughter who is 8 and I have a son now 11 and now we have a daughter 7 months old. My wife is the love of my life and I know I'm the love of hers as well, we both know how much we truly love each other. My son has ADHD he is on medication for about 1 year, so naturally you would he is hyperactive and hard to handle at times, but you won't find anyone with a better heart then him at this age it's noticeable. Her daughter is a happy girl and is very smart for her age. My son lives with us full time her daughter only part time and I work and she doesn't really work. 

So now the issues : 

The first few months she was very patient with my son, now the past 1 and a half she can't stand him. Her only communication with him is yelling, degrading or embarrassing him in front of me and everyone. She is always yelling at him for the littlest things but when her daughter does the same exact things she doesn't even raise her voice at all she babies the situation every time. I have noticed that she only cooks new meals the days she has her daughter then next few days is left overs or sandwiches. She only wants to go to the park or do any activity at all if her daughter is with us. If I ask she says she feels guilty for going without her daughter and stays home. She spends so much of my money treating her daughter (and her entire family but that's another subject) out to nice restaurants while I'm at work and leaves my son home or drops him off at my parents house but if I spend a penny in my son with my money she starts ww3 because she says he doesn't deserve new clothes because he will ruin them. I noticed and my son's mother noticed that he's changing and becoming more reserved and stays in his room and doesn't talk around my wife because she's always to ready to yell at him for anything he says it doesn't matter where we are my family or her family, out in a restaurant or in public she embarrasses him about his grades or something he did at home. It's like she hated to see him happy or smile. He's emotionally broken my entire family noticed it, he hates to be home and she goes crazy if he wants to stay over my parents house for the weekend. She always wants him home.Their so much to tell but I can't write it because I convinced myself she's trying to get better with him. Her treatment of him had his mother now fighting for custody and it's costing me my deposit to buy a house. My ex wife is driving me nuts because of the stories my son tells her. 

Long story short my son is with his mom for the summer having the time of his life and barely calls me, it's killing me because he loved me more then the world itself now I barely get a text from him. After he left to his mom I was furious at my wife because she isn't changing at all with him. She thinks avoiding him and staying out of his life is trying. We argued so much I left the house a month ago and I'm renting my old apartment. My entire family wants me to leave her because she wont change, even her father who was a stepchild and was treated badly said that he is disgusted by her and said she will never change and that he doesn't blame me if I divorce her. The truth is I don't want to but I can't choose my love for her over my son's but now we have a daughter and I don't know what to do. Please help. 

not your momma's picture

Why is this even a question? Your son deserves better than this. You're failing him as a parent. 

Kal1988's picture

I know I did that's what's hurting the most. Her sisters even noticed her behavior towards him and they even feel bad for him. Before he left for the summer he said to her sisters i wish dad stood up for me more

ITB2012's picture

If her own father thinks she is behaving poorly. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

To be honest , you do not seem to have very high standards for the love of your life. It is one thing to be indifferent or disengaged from a child, it is a totally different thing to be deliberately  cruel and demeaning.

She does not want to be around your child, but she does not want him to be surrounded by the love and attention that your parents can provide.

You cannot abdicate your responsibility to this child simply because you have had another child.

You may be the love of this woman's life, but her happiness and pleasure should not be purchased at the price of your son's well being.

Many issues can be mitigated or resolved with therapy. However, intentional cruelty rarely falls into that category.

You may find personal happiness and pleasure in this relationship, but others may be paying the price for your happiness and pleasure.

A person who is deliberately cruel to one child has the capacity to treat other children in the same manner. Does your wife model behavior that you would like to see your newborn emulate?

You have not one but two children about whom you should be concerned.

It might be helpful for you to seek a therapist to help you sort out this very toxic situation 


Kal1988's picture

I can't choose myself over my son. Her family got involved and she snapped at her father and he didn't come over for 6 months after she yelled at him for getting involved

As far as the love of my life part, she was perfect in the beginning and I think I'm trying to find that person in her but it's getting harder to find. I don't understand how she changed so much. Trust me this isn't our only issue we have been going down a rough road for some time now from financially to her controlling behavior. I had to change my personally because she said I'm too friendly with females I'm even worried to say thank you to a waitress or even a bank girl over the phone. She complained so much because I went to the gym and started to look better she would accuse me of talking to girls at the gym or at work. Then she would randomly drive by my work that 25 minutes away to check up on me. She even has the passwords to my cameras so she can watch me at home if I spoke to a girl for a few minutes when I'm trying to sell something she would call and ask what taking so long to sell to her that I'm probably flirting... I can go on and on. But that's not why I'm here. The make it or break it off is for my son I can handle the other crap for now

ndc's picture

If the love of your life is someone who you think is being intentionally cruel to your child, your standards for love of your life are pretty lax.  Also, if you're the love of her life, I don't understand her treatment of your son, whom YOU love.  If she was just ignoring/avoiding him when possible, that would be one thing (you said yourself that he's difficult), but it sounds like she's taking every available opportunity to yell at him and publicly demean him.  That's a big difference.  Why would she do that to the child of the man who is the love of her life??  

What are you accomplishing by living in your old apartment?  It seems to me you either need intensive counseling with your wife to see if there's a way around her issues with your son, or you need to end the marriage for the well-being of your son and your relationship with him.  Are you in a state that presumes 50/50 physical custody is in the best interest of the children?

Kal1988's picture

I live in NY State I don't care about the money included with the divorce. 

I'm stuck with 2 rents now and almost a divorce because she can't be a human to my son.

Kal1988's picture

After I left now she is willing to see counseling. I'm away from the US once I get back I'm willing to seek help but I'm not sure it's going to work. It's a never ending cycle with her she gets better for a couple months then it's back to square one. 

somethingwicked's picture

KAL.Are you related to Super Man?


What is the story with the ours baby?You haven't mentioned that newest member of the family.How does your current Lois Lane treat the 7 month old? Just curious. 

Why does your EX not have custody of the son?You mentioned that now your EX is fighting for custody.

Maybe that would be best until you can get the issues with Lois ironed out.Apparently you cannot stand up or defend your son to her . Counseling for both ,as  other posters have mentioned ,would be beneficial.



Kal1988's picture

Kal is just short for my name. I don't even like Superman I'm more of a Batman guy

She doesn't have custody because she gave him to me months after our divorce.

The reason why I haven't mentioned her treatment of our daughter or hers is because is a good mother to both her daughters, mine and from her ex

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Even though I read past this point, I really didn't need to, "Her only communication with him is yelling, degrading or embarrassing him in front of me and everyone." Why would you make your son stay with someone who treats him this way. Degrading and embarrassing a child can have life-long negatvie effects. If you won't put an end to this, let your son move in full time with his bio-Mom and see him outside the home.

I'm assuming she treats your biological child ok? Or is that child also treated differently from her first daughter?

Kal1988's picture

My ex doesn't have any other children and yes she treats him well but I'm living in NY and she's in Florida if I give him back I'll barely see him and can't do that. I rather just leave the relationship. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

It seems that you may be simply paying a significant amount of money for the privilege of sleeping with an abusive partner, and the people around you are burdened with what should be your buyer's remorse.

If you are going to have to pay for love, you should impose better standards.

Perhaps, not many women would willingly take on responsibility for your soon, but far fewer would be deliberate!y cruel to a child.

Husband's wife's picture

You can walk away but nothing guarantees that other women will fell in love with your two kids, one being on medical treatment.

not saying you should stay, saying you have to evaluate what your life will become and also take into consideration the fact that women usually have more difficulties accepting other people’s kids. 

Also interested to know the other side of this story. I easily believe that she might ignore the kid, but screaming at him in front of OP’s family ? I doubt it 

Not to forget that the OP is working, leaving his wife to deal with his adhd kid. And BM was also happy so far not to have custody. Far too many people are trying to appear good parents when someone else is doing the job. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

I agree with you. There is definitely another side to this story. First off, why do you have full custody when this child has a mother? Also what woman would want to raise someone else's difficult child full time, but their own daughter only part time? Your expectation of her doesn't really make sense in this situation imo. She has a daughter with you and she's staying home with the baby. You're not doing her a favor by letting her stay home. It's not really a fair situation....not that life is always fair, however though you claim she is the love of your life so I'm not sure why you would want her to have the stress and difficulty of raising her stepson when he has a capable mother. It's not like you're supporting her daughter full time and she doesn't have to work and she's still being cold toward your son. It kind of seems like this deal works more for you than her.

Kal1988's picture

Your right finding another person who will accept me with two kids with different mother's will be difficult. 

I wish I can have my family talk to you so you can see how I'm not lying about the way she talks to him. Even her father and brother noticed and they go crazy when she starts on her rants.

He does have ADHD but he's not crazy he's just hyperactive when he's bored. Not during his time to play games we hardly feel him at home when he's playing his games. 

My ex called me after the divorce a few months later she was engaged and her fiance told her he won't marry her and raise another person's kid. That's why she gave him to me.

I do spend time with him when I'm home I take him out we both love kayaking and going on walks in the local park with woods and animals walking around us. She can work but she chooses to stay home. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

Wait a second your son's mother gave her son up to raise so she could be with a man, but everyone is on your wife's case because she yells at your son? People are really no one blames his mother for being a terrible mother just his father's wife. Okay then. 

There's a lot more to ADHD than being hyper. It affects your thought patterns vabd other aspects of your behavior. 

I was the crazy person in the past ranting to my family how angry I was about my boyfriend's kids and they too thought I sounded awful and defended the kids a lot especially my own mother. I never hated the kids, but I did become hateful because more was being put on my plate than should have been and maybe that is the case for your wife. I have taken a big step back and now I enjoy being around them for the most part and have a lot more patience.

Kal1988's picture

Yes his mother gave him to me for a man then she left him 7 years later and now wants him back only because my wife is making him into a broken child who can't breathe without being yelled at or constantly punished.

It's not only yelling once she starts there is no end she keeps going for half hour. She yelled at him so much one day that he went to his room and had a seizure for the first time because of the stress. I don't want to blame her for it because it possible could be the medication, or video games. Even though the doctors said it doesn't cause seizures that it actually prevents them. 

It's not the yelling. It's about the degarding in public her family or mine not only about grades either it's about anything that he does. 

Husband's wife's picture

Make a simple calculation, you are saying she is a good mom to other kids, which means she will be the one having custody. You will have to pay CS and find a babysitter for your son and your daughter when she will be visiting. And take it from where. 

Harry's picture

Why is your wife babysitting your son. I can understand her not wanting to do that.  She is not your sons mother, she should not be the de facto child care person.   She does not want to take care of your son.  Find some other care.

Kal1988's picture

I understand what you are saying but should I quit my job just to stay home to watch my kid when she's home? All she has to do is be with him for 2 1/2 hours until I get home. I pay all the bills and her family house was burnt to a crisp, I welcomed her family to stay with us while her brother didn't want his mother and 3 sisters to live with him. I bought them beds and everything they needed when they lost so much. Is it wrong for her to help me and watch my son for 2 hours and Saturday while I work? I shouldn't have to pay daycare for 2 hours and all day Saturday on top of everything it's too stressful we won't make it was l finally. That dream home we want will stay a dream

Kiwi_koala's picture

Yes it is wrong. He is your son and it's not your wife's fault that his mother abandoned him. You should absolutely pay a babysitter to take the burden off of her. That's very kind that you helped her family, but that doesn't mean she should have to watch your son every day and Saturdays because of that. She is a stay at home mom to your daughter . She does her part. Clearly your son is too overwhelming for her.

Kal1988's picture

So when she's home I should have a babysitter come to the house to watch him? 

He's 11 he can go to his room and finish homework and play games until I get home. But she looks for things to start ranting about.  

Willow2010's picture

Her only communication with him is yelling, degrading or embarrassing him in front of me and everyone. She is always yelling at him


  I don’t give a rats butt how bad your son acts or behaves…anyone that treats a child, like that, is a monster.  I would not let my kids stay one minute in this idiots presence.   

I just don’t really buy it, that a person would let anyone treat their kid that way. 

Aniki's picture


OP, your wife treats your son terribly and YOU ARE ALLOWING IT. You are FAILING your son. 

Maybe your wife needs anger management. There is NO way your son should be left alone with her until SHE can act like a freaking ADULT. Perhaps it would be best if your son's mother gets custody so he can no longer be abused by your wife.

Kal1988's picture

I wouldn't mind to have him live with his mother but she's in Florida and I'm in NY I would hardly see him.

somethingwicked's picture

Yah..I am not buying it either.Another disappearing act from a new member.

OR did KAL get an urgent call from  the Justice League...???


Aniki's picture

I've seen my share of crap parents. But this DOES have the scent of "let's generate traffc"...

Kal1988's picture

I didn't disappear my mother has cancer and I am in Egypt with her looking for a cure for her. The service here sucks. Also I had so much going on with her and doctors and hospitals, from this blood test to another to a pet scan to other tests I didn't have time. Not to mention the time difference

And Kal is just short for my name. 

Kal1988's picture

That's why I left, it's not a divorce I just needed to think. If I even asked her daughter why did you leave the light on in your room she goes crazy and says your son does that too. Then she starts yelling at him when he didn't do anything at that moment. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

I think he's exaggerating. Aside from that though why is this woman raising her husband's son? This is the million dollar question. What kind of mother would allow another woman to take over her responsibility for her child? This kid has two terrible bio parents.

Kal1988's picture

She's with for only 2 1/2 until I get home she's not raising him. I stopped going to gym to stay home to help him with homework. I started volunteering at the school as a wrestling coach to just be with him more. During wrestling season she's barely with him and still explodes at every move.

Kal1988's picture

Yes that sounds about right. I think it's the past that's getting to her. Like I said he's on meds now and his behavior is totally different even his grades are getting much better.

Kiwi_koala's picture

I understand your perspective. I don't have kids, but I would'nt want my kids in that environment. If you don't want to leave her then you might want to consider hiring a babysitter so your son isn't sequestered into his room until you get home. Her anger has reached toxic levels. 

Rags's picture

Why expose either of your children to this shrieking harpy any more than absolutely necessary.  I would sit her down and inform her that she ends her shitty juvenile behavior towards your son or you will end the marriage and minimize the exposure of your shared child to her crap.  

End this, commit to keeping your children as far from her as possible. Even the one that is hers also.

Everyone in  your life is apparently telling you that she needs to be your XW.  Including her own father.

Listen to them.

Protect your children, protect yourself.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I think you may be overly dependent on your son. Not all kids need to contact the parent they aren’t currently with, all the time. I can see how this has happened as I think your partner may also be overly dependent on her daughter. You may also be hyper aware of how people react to your son. You may want to pick your battles. 

Would your partner and yourself consider couples counselling?

Husband's wife's picture

the boy is already 11 and should have some friends or will be having them soon. I see the OP saying he wants the boy’s love etc. Children grow up and separate from their parents, even if OP will continue living with his kid.

now as a wife to a man who has a kid, I would never, ever accept to live with the kid while the kid’s mom is alive. Maybe she is a mess, but this is the mom this man choose for his child, so be it. 

Finally, even if she dies, I would simply divorce and let the father deal with it. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

Me too. There is no way I would tolerate your ex wife abandoning her son. It's totally unacceptable. Your wife's mistake was putting up with it. I can't believe your ex only now will take him since she left her husband and because your wife mistreats him. How are you not absolutely livid about that? You're angry with the wrong person and so is your wife. She's just not cut out to raise some else's child. Most women don't have it in them. 

PS. Her father is reacting so strongly because of his trauma. It's mostly about his pain. His daughter is triggering him. 


Siemprematahari's picture

Her only communication with him is yelling, degrading or embarrassing him in front of me and everyone.

Your wife is continuously abusing your son, what are you going to do about it? To h@ll with all the back ground noise, she is yelling and degrading this child,  when are you going to remove him from this traumatic situation? Your son needs you! He needs you to step up and fight for him. You need to be his voice, his protector, why are you not showing up for him?

Your wife can't be amazing if she's actively treating your child so poorly. What are you waiting for?

Harry's picture

You need to arrange child care for your son, so your wife does not have to deal with it.  Someone to care for him, help with his homework, go over school lessons, ect.  Win. Win.  BM will take back DS but will want CS, and all benefits he is getting.  DS will be supporting BM. And ypu don’t know what care she will give him. 

You cant expect your DW to take care of a child with ADHD when his mother does not want to do it. I don’t see her Going to court  for visitation. I don’t see  BM asking for visitation.  I been there it’s hard when the bio parent just doesn’t care and your stuck with the SK.

Do you and DW ever get away alone, or just with your child,?  Are you taking your new DD to places like the petting zoo, Santa workshop by yourself. Older kids will not be happy going. ?  Or is everything going to be involving DS. Because he can not be left alone. .

an other issue does BM pay CS, does BM ever see her DS ?   Or did she wash her hands of DS.  Looks like BM GET A FREE PASS.  You complain about DW being the bad persons.  But BM is doing nothing and I don’t here you complaining about BM. She moved to FL  does nothing. This is the woman who you had a child with but seems golden. The nothing I can do story, can’t get blood from a rock story.  Not your fault for having a child with a worthless person. 

She had a child with special needs but washed her hands.  Does SD go to her fathers EOWE, ?   Your DS is with you 24/7/365 but everybody have to suck it up both for you fand BM failing .  And people who are not step parents as FIL does not understand it.  So what he saids about his DD means nothing 

Rags's picture

What makes a woman who would treat your child as this woman does the love of your life?

Sounds to me that you need to up your standards.

And more importantly, grow some balls and quit sacrificing your child on the alter of the love of your life.  No one worthy of that status would treat a child the way you describe this woman doing to your 11yo. Unless that kid is a toxic crotch nugget of monumental proportions, in which case you have even bigger problem to address.