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Rachelgr6's picture
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Hello all this is my first time ever posting or ever visiting a step parent forum. So please be nice ☺️☺️

It's hard to find information on how to deal with certain things because everyone's experiences and relationships are different. I've tried Googling but can't really find anything on my topic. My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for a little over a year about 7 months ago I moved across the United States to be with him and his two children. He was married for about seven years and now divorced for about 7. Him and his ex were dating for just a very short period when she became pregnant at 20 years old. He thought marrying her would be the best thing to do , unfortunately they grew apart tried to fix it with another baby and that never works...

I believe because of the circumstances and their divorce was mostly mutual they have a great relationship most things I have found online are about bio moms bad-mouthing stepmoms or bio mom and bio dad fighting. There is none of this happening. So far she has been very cordial with me and the kids stay at my house on the weekends because I have more room and she has no issue. I sometimes pick up the kids drop them off go to their events and so on, no issue. My issue is with the way she treats my boyfriend in front of me. I feel like she is very bossy with him and sometimes talks disrespectfully. I'm not sure what to do about that. I feel like I'm the odd person out they have this relationship and have had this relationship for 13 years and I just came in the picture. I sometimes feel alone in the situation. My boyfriend is the most understanding and I have no complaints with him just wondering how to navigate this new "adventure". Please any comments are advice is welcome!

 

P.s. I am very grateful that everything has worked out so well I know a lot of people have it way worse.

ndc's picture

I have a similar situation.  SO and BM get along and cooperate in co-parenting.  BM and I are cordial - I don't particularly like her, but I'm nice to her and she's nice to me when we run into each other at skid activities or during exchanges.  She also is very controlling and can be bossy and disrespectful to SO sometimes when she talks to him.  I just ignore it.  Their relationship is their relationship, and I stay out of it.  If he wants to let her talk to him like that, it's his business.  I take solace in the fact that he's with me and, even though they have a decent relationship, he doesn't want her and she doesn't want him.  There's nothing I can do about the fact that the two of them have a history, so I just don't let it get to me.

tog redux's picture

Personally, I think this is a red flag that your SO is too passive and is going to let BM control what goes on in your house - and that if he doesn't, all hell will break loose. There is no way DH would allow BM to treat him that way.

It may seem like they get along, but that's only true if your SO is going along with what BM wants. That will get tiresome, very quickly -so keep an eye on it.

MrsStepMom's picture

Wow you moved fast. Especially for someone with kids. Be careful there. 

Theres really nothing YOU can do. If he wants to change it that’s on him. 

People used to say i was bossy with my ex. One day someone said something and he replied “I make decision all day, I run a business, raise my sister, take care of my mother, I WANT her to be making decisions. I ask her to! She helps me and takes that burden off me”. Just some perspective. Some relationships seem to have that dynamic because it’s what works for them. In the end it exhausted me because I didn’t want to be doing it all, just as he wanted me to because he was exhausted with making decisions but it was just our dynamic and it was never a mean thing. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

comfortable in the dynamics that have worked for them over time.

You are in a situation where nothing seems to be broken and everyone relates reasonably well.  Nothing appears to be broken, why would you attempt to change anything.?

An effort to "fix" something that is not broken may result in an actual fracture, and you may not be satisfied with the outcome.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your SO is a big boy. If he doesn't like how his ex talks to him, then he can speak up for himself.

As you navigate this relationship, what you'll have to realize is that you cannot change anything. Your SO either changes because he realizes his ways are harmful to his relationship and/or his kids and/or him, or he doesn't. You can't fix what he doesn't see as being broken enough to fix it himself.

While we, as SPs, lack the power to change the dynamic of our SO's parenting and relationships with their ex and kids, we DO have the power to walk away fully if we don't like the dynamic. That is not me saying "leave your BF". That is me saying that you need to choose wisely when picking someone, because your only real options are to deal with the situation as-is or walk away.

That's not to say that you can't ask for a compromise or let your SO know that you find the relationship odd. You can and SHOULD speak up when things seem off or bother you. But you can't change anyonr other than yourself, and you certainly shouldn't step in and say anything to BM.