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Is this crazy?

MissDel82's picture
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So my husband and I have his boys half the time on a week on/week off basis. The house they live in with their mom, is around the corner from the 10 year olds school. The older one (13) started high school this year and it's quite far, plus a lot earlier than the younger child's. So my fiance had asked if he could drop off the younger one at the house on his way back from dropping off the older one, so he can just walk to school, instead of waiting around for an hour before he can get to work himself. The step father said that it is his week and his responsibility, and that they don't want the younger one there because he wakes the step dad up when he comes in. They have now told us that the younger boy is not allowed at the house when it isn't their week. Am I crazy for thinking this is absolutely ridiculous? For myself, I think that either home is the boys home whether or not it's our week or theirs. They ask for the older boy to come extra time to their place on our week and keep him longer after his football games as well as over night, but they don't do that for the younger boy. Is this normal? I am not a fan of being unable to say anything, because I have a lot to say to them, but don't want to cause a stressful situation for my husband. But I truly think this is so wrong on so many levels...it's their home no matter what. If tables were turned and they needed to drop off the boys at our place, that would never even be an issue. Am I overreacting about this? 

Lifer33's picture

Firstly why is the step father dictactating the rules, what has bm got to say, doesn't she care?! Then what is the custody and legal  situation? I'm sure the step father wouldn't have a say in that on paper regardless. 

MissDel82's picture

Honestly, the step dad pretty much has taken over the parenting. She now works, so she travels for work and agreed with him about the little one waking him up (according to them he works late, from home, and has a hard time falling back asleep). She gave my husband a hard time saying that him dropping off the little one on his week is just inconsiderate to them. They have shared custody. Every other week they return ..I am just shocked that his own mom doesn't want him there...he bugs no one, goes in and waits till it's time to go to school. 

justmakingthebest's picture

What is REALLY happening is that Stepdad is a controlling douche and doesn't want SS to walk in on him and his side piece while BM is out of town! 

Diablo

tog redux's picture

I don't really get why DH having to wait an hour to go to work is more important than Stepdad getting his sleep, on the week he's supposed to be skid-free.  Sleep is more important that DH being bored for an hour. 

Petronella's picture

You don't know that "the little one" doesn't bug anyone. You're talking about multiple days per week where the 10yo is coming into the house to hang out for an hour. The reality is, he'll be poking around the kitchen for a snack and leaving a mess...he'll be rummaging around looking for a different pair of shoes to wear to school...he'll sit down to play a video game, lose track of time and be late to school and looking for a ride...he'll be knocking on stepdad's door wanting SOMETHING. Guaranteed. This is not a minor favor you and your husband are asking. 

tog redux's picture

Per the OP, he just sits quietly until it's time to go to school, and then leaves on his own.

I'd like to meet this 10-year-old! 

Anyway, stepdad says he wakes him up coming in - so maybe they have a loud door, or a barky dog, or whatever. 

STaround's picture

Are they going to give a 10 year old a key?  Will he lose it?  Is dad going to have a key, and will he let the kid in?    Will kid  need to use the bathroom?   I can see asking this for a one off, like I have to meet older's kids guidance counselor, but not just because i dont feel like it

hereiam's picture

For bio parents, it's not usually an issue having their kid in the house when it's not "their time", but for a lot of step parents, it is an issue and they don't like it.  It is weird that it is okay for one boy but not the other.

MissDel82's picture

The fact that she's showing so much preference to the older one is honestly weird to me. She was never really there for them, even though she was a stay at home mom when they were little. When I met the boys, they said that she didn't really acknowledge them unless they speak to her. So I don't know what has changed with the older one that she's now wanting him around all the time, making him join her choir, and seems to barely pay attention to the younger one. He's always telling me he wishes I was his real mom, so that's super sad to me. The older one prefers the mom since he has zero responsibility there and they literally live in the dirtiest house I have ever seen. They have rules at ours and the little one likes being tidy and trying to be better.

Goodluck's picture

Welllllll step dad is correct in the fact that dad IS responsible for the kids on dads time. But....

Maybe  have your lawyer write a email to her lawyer

"Hey Bm's lawyer what do you know about your clients refusal to allow her son to sit inside the Childs home with step dad for a few minutes while dad takes the older son to school? Certainly this is all a simple mistake. Right?.  OR is this true?

 

 

MissDel82's picture

He doesn't  the little one there, but he constantly calls my husband for help when one of the boys isn't listening instead of their mom when it's their week. And my husband always does what's best for the boys and helps .has even delivered items they constantly forget while on our week, when they can easily come and pick it up themselves. I don't know..I just know that If I had kids, I would never say they can't come. Home is home. Whether they're there or not one week at a time.

MissDel82's picture

And switch schools so they're both closer. But the mom likes all the benefits she gets from having them, even if she isn't parenting ever.

tog redux's picture

This comes up a lot on this board, but usually it’s an SM annoyed that BM is dropping the kids off on her week. 

I agree with stepdad, DH is responsible for his week. They have every right to say no if it doesn’t work for them. Maybe they don’t want to manage them every morning before school. 

MissDel82's picture

The boys are old enough to do everything themselves.. and the little one goes to school on his own on their week. Maybe I am wrong, but I just see it as, it's their home no matter what. We could never refuse them if they ever needed to do that. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Stop for a second and put yourself in the stepfather's position. YOU are the one whose spouse isn't parenting his own children and all the responsibilities fall on YOU. Now the BM is calling on YOU for favors on HER week.

I promise you that YOU would not like it one bit over time.

 

ESMOD's picture

Plus... OP and her DH aren't asking for a "one off" favor.  They are asking for a systematic and constant variation from the CO... one that puts the responsibility for the younger child on the SF.. when he is already shouldering a large load in that household. 

 

tog redux's picture

AND, they are feeling that DH having to wait an hour to go to work is more important than SF getting extra sleep. Nope, sorry. Why should he have to wake up early because DH doesn't like the school schedule?

Jcksjj's picture

I definitely do not want SD being dropped off at our house when its not our week just because it would be easier for BM. Especially if its causing a problem for me in any way. I'm with the stepdad on this one, if its your DHs week its ultimately his responsibility and BM doesnt have to help make his situation more convenient. They are no longer partners.

MissDel82's picture

They often ask for our help on our week and we have never ever said ..."sorry your week, your problem", not even calls their mom, just my husband..even the school calls us over the mom. The kid bugs no one, doesn't even see him. I have a feeling it's because he just doesn't prefer the younger one over the older one.

Jcksjj's picture

Stop helping them if you don't want to on their time. And it could very well be that he doesn't like him all that much but that doesnt really change that he has no obligation to help out.

Aniki's picture

These children are the responsibility of the BIO parents. What if there were NO step parents? The BIO parents would have to make other arrangements for their children. 

BM is responsible for the care of her children during her week.
Your DH is responsible for the care of his children during his week.
IF the step parents wish to contribute to the care of the step children, that is their choice.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I have to agree with SF on this one.  If he doesn't want the responsibility of SS in the mornings, that is his choice.  He has already explained his reasoning, which is the kid wakes him up.  As the bio parent, your DH has to accept that.

As far as the rest of the time, BM and SF obviously have their reasons for not wanting YSS to come over.  You don't have to understand it, but you do have to respect it.  I do think it is unfair and I personally would not ban one kid and allow the other.  But, its there home and their right.  You don't really have to understand or agree with it.  Your DH just has to deal with it.

MissDel82's picture

I def don't have to...just makes me sad that a parent can be that way towards their child. I guess the best thing to do is, be the same as them... absolutely no help at all from us on their week and let them deal with the boys. Hopefully they stop calling my husband for help and he can deal with their Bio mom instead.

ESMOD's picture

I think you have your answer... You can't control what the EX or her husband want to do.  they don't want to agree to having the child there in the morning.. they even gave a reasonably valid point.  It sounds like the SF has stepped up to do a lot of the care 50% of the time.. he is entitled to want his sleep in days.

But.. you can choose to be less flexible on your end.. but keep in mind.. one off favors don't equate to agreeing to have your stepchild in your home.. EVERY weekday morning. It would be one thing if your DH asked for "special dispensation" to bring the boy by there when he had an early work commitment.... very occasionally.  But asking to have the boy there 10 more days a month?  in the AM when the SF apparently doesn't have to be up early?  that is asking for a pretty big accomodation.

I'm guessing the older boy and the SF get along well.. and maybe that's why he is over there more?

ndc's picture

I agree with the stepdad.  If it's your DH's time and stepdad doesn't want them there for whatever reason, then they shouldn't be there.  It may be inconvenient for your husband, but it IS his time and his responsibility.  

We have a similar situation - the bus stop is at our house, so BM drops the kids off at our house.  If she's early, they come in.  So I'm in the stepdad's position.  I do allow it, but it's often inconvenient.  Granted, my skids are younger, and when they come in they want my attention, they're loud, they sometimes leave a mess - even if it's just 15 minutes.  I suck it up because I'm glad that BM agreed to the kids going to the school near us so that I don't have to schlep them to the school near her.  I can fully understand stepdad not wanting the skid in the house while he's trying to sleep.  Even if the kid is responsible for himself, chances are he makes some noise (just the door opening and closing might wake someone up), and maybe the stepdad feels some responsibility for a kid who is in his house.  

It's nice that you do them some favors, but that doesn't mean stepdad has to do favors for you.  As for the difference in how the boys are treated, it sucks but there's nothing you can do about it.  Just treat them the same at your house.  Maybe when the younger one is the age of the older he'll get the preferential treatment, too.

Harry's picture

She dumping the kids on SF.  Who does not want the kids dump on him.  Who wants the kids dump onto you and BF.  You should be mad at BM for not doing her job.  Your DH should take the kid in the morning.  Remember BM can dump those kids on to you 24/7/365.  

Sorry to used the word dump.  But to BM that what it is. She cares about her job more then her kids.  She does not want her kids to interfere with her job. 

I would not agree to take this kid ever day for a hour. Why mess up your day because BM can’t figure it out.  If DH wants to take his kid everyday then he better be home to parent his kid for the hour,  not do more dumping on you. 

SM12's picture

If BM suggested I take the skids every morning on her time to get them to school I would say HELL no!!    That is part of having 50/50...your DH has to figure it out.   

My DH used to pick up his kids every morning and take them to school, even in days we didn’t have them.  BM got mad at DH about something stupid and decided he could no longer do that.  Her SO would take them on their days.  That crushed DH.   However, it wasn’t long before they had a conflict and couldn’t get them to school so they called on dH to fill in.  He told them Nope....you took that away from me so you figure it out.   

Tell your DH to suck it up and do it or find a before care program.

Petronella's picture

First of all please stop referring to your younger SS as “the little one.” Ten years old is NOT little. Gives me horrible flashbacks to this Disney Dad ex boyfriend of mine who referred to his younger son as “the little one.” Kid was 14 at the time!!

Anyway. Team Stepdad all the way! It’s his house not yours or your husband’s. If he doesn’t want a SK letting himself into the house when it’s not their week and Stepdad is trying to sleep, that’s his prerogative. 

I reject this “it’s the child’s HOOOOOOMMMMME he should be welcome any tiiiiiiiiime.” No. It doesn’t work that way with coparenting. Both households need to respect the schedule. 

Lastly, please stop judging the BM so harshly for working. She got a job, she sometimes travels for her job, what’s wrong with that? Better than being a stay at home leech like  so many of the BM’s here. She used to be a SAHM apparently and you didn’t approve of the way she did that either. What do you want from them??

tog redux's picture

OP, I would say, please stop judging them so harshly period. They get to run their house how they see fit, whether or not you think it's "crazy". 

justmakingthebest's picture

I made a smartass comment above because I will never understand that "not my week" mentality. However, I do acknowledge that this is your DH's parenting time and he does need to figure it out. 

What about before school care? My kids elem. school had a drop off program for before and after school at the school. It was super cheap for before school care and they could be dropped off at 6 am

Jcksjj's picture

Good point. My kid's school they can be there to eat breakfast and hang out in the gym 40 minutes before school starts also.

Petronella's picture

Exactly. Many schools offer programs like that, because many parents are in the same boat as the OP's husband - they need to be at work earlier than school starts. Dad needs to take care of it.

Jcksjj's picture

Yep it's a common issue. My ODS and the next son are 7.5 years apart so I will be in the same boat when the younger one starts school. Most parents dont have a place to drop their kids off for free for an hour.

BethAnne's picture

Step parents look after their step kids as a favor to their spouses. They do not do it as a favor for the spouse's ex. Step dad is not a baby sitter and their home is not a child care facility. He is under no obligation to look after his step son, no matter how short the length of time. He chooses to look after the boys on his wife's time as a favor to her, but obviously enjoys his lie ins on the other weeks. BM works and is under no obligation to change her schedule so that her ex doesn't have to wait around for an hour in the morning. Your husband needs to sort out this issue for himself. Maybe he instead of trying to get others to do his job for him he could come up with creative ways to spend an hour of one on one time with his son.