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Confused about staying or leaving

Redrose's picture
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I really need advice ... I’ve been with my fiancé for a little bit over a year but have known him for 4 years. He has 2 kids who are 3 & 4 and I have 2 sons who are 16 & 21. When we started dating he had an every other weekend visitation with his kids but this changed in November when he was granted 50/50. His kids are great but very needy. I have also noticed that the very few times I have to babysit them they act out. We are soon planning to move in together and get married and I’m afraid I will be turned into a glorified nanny. When they are around I’m expected to plan for their meals, clean and bath them if dad is not around, and basically mother them. I have had to tell my fiancé that I don’t want to have to take care of the kids to that level. So far he has been understanding and has stepped up but I feel he has built up resentment since he expects me to help out with his kids. My weekends when we have his kids have turned to kiddie-related activities and I’m slowly losing my mind. I love my fiancé very much, he’s a nice guy and very kind to my kids but I just don’t want to co-parent his kids. With my kids I have said to him many times that all I require of him is he be kind and respectful to them. I’m not expecting him to be their dad as they already have one who is very active in their lives. Is it selfish of me to request the same from him that the only thing I owe his kids is kindness and respect? Or should it be a different set of requirements for me since his kids are so young? Right now I’m really thinking twice about the whole moving in thing and getting married in a few months because I’m dreading what my life will turn into. As it is the kids will come with him to my house most weekends he has them. I dread those visits! Please help

hereiam's picture

Is it selfish of me to request the same from him that the only thing I owe his kids is kindness and respect?

Nope, it's not selfish, at all. You are not their parent and should not have to do anything parental for them or with them, if you so choose. The fact that this guy is building up resentment because he expects you to mother his kids, is a big red flag. Do you feel he would have fought for 50/50 if you weren't in the picture? It sounds like he just assumed that you would co-parent his kids with him. Not cool.

Redrose's picture

That’s the thing! I feel he went for 50/50 assuming I would play a huge part in helping out. Though his main reason was to have his CS reduced, he still assumed I would be there to help out.

hereiam's picture

His main reason for wanting 50/50, was to have CS reduced? That right there tells you what kind of a person he is.

I would extricate myself from this whole situation.

He is going to guilt you, manipulate you, whatever it takes, to get you to take on this responsibility for him. And if you don't, he will probably make your life hell. Either way, it's no way to live. It's not what you want.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Hitting the like button on this reply! The reason to get more time is because you as the PARENT want more time to be in their lives.

Not so you can shuffle things off on anyone else and lower CS to boot.

Him not discussing with you about his expectations and yours in all this is a huge red flag.

ndc's picture

If you're dreading his kids coming to your house every other weekend, this is NOT the relationship for you. You are going to be raising those kids for 15 years if you marry this man, so IMO you should only move in with/marry him if you enjoy his children and are prepared to parent them. Your SO has made it clear that he expects that. I would also be very leery of a guy whose reason for seeking 50/50 custody was to reduce his CS.

Tiger7's picture

My SO & I have been together for 3 years - getting married later this year. Mine are 29, 27 & 22. His are 18 & 16 (and a 10 yr old that lives FAR from us) and they are a handful at this age. Told him from the start that I didn't want any part of raising more kids. He said he understood but there are times he still tries to insert them more than I would like. I've had to reign him in several times. I know for 100% certainty, that if his kids were that young when we met, there's no way I would have let the relationship get that far. You sound a lot like I do. I know what I want and don't want at this point in my life. You need to really really think this through.

Redrose's picture

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. Very eye-opening. Guess the answer is obvious and just have to figure out how to go about it. It should have struck me clearly when I returned his engagement ring the first time. I just can’t get my head around parenting for an additional 15 years (no disrespect to those with young kids).

Acratopotes's picture

Don't get married and do not move in with this man, yes you are a glorified Nanny...

keep your own place and stay engaged, at least you do not have to look after his kids, if it's their visitation with him, go over to his house, do nothing to help him, you are a guest, if it gets to much, simply leave back to your place... then with no visitation, he can come over to your house...

The excuse you can use for now... my son is 16, grade 10?? his schooling is at a critical stage and moving now would influence him negatively...

still learning's picture

He's got 12 years before his 4 yr old gets to the autonomous point where your 16 yr old is. 3 and 4 year olds need constant supervision and hands on care. SO can get away with only giving your kids respect because they're off doing their own thing anyway while his pre schoolers will need much more than that.

If you go forward and move in with this man you're basically starting the parenting cycle all over again. You can insist that he does everything for his kids while you respectfully look on but do you really think that's realistic? In my own case when sgs's 4 and 8 are here I direct them to DH for attention and let DH know that he'll be feeding and cleaning up but I always end up entertaining and cleaning up too if I'm home.

Little kids need care. His kids are not your responsibility but if they're in your home they kinda are. I'd say that this really is not the situation for you. it sounds like you're going to be miserable if you marry this guy and move all 3 of them in. Your youngest is on the verge of adulthood; why sacrifice your freedom and sanity for the next 15 years?

Rags's picture

No it isn't selfish. He needs to step up his parenting to effectively make the adult relationship at the center of this blended family equation the unequivocal priority for him. Yes, the minor children in the mix are the top relationship responsibility for both of you but not the priority. And they should never be.

His children need to be respectful to you no differently than they should be respectful to him and he needs to step up and parent.

IMHO of course.