BM's new boyfriend moved into her apartment and he is babysitting my SD alone very often..
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We try very hard to actively co-parent. My husband's ex just recently had her boyfriend move in..and my SD (8years old) says he has been watching her a lot, getting her ready for school, driving her places. She seems to like him, but says that she misses spending time with her mom and spends a lot of alone time with the boyfriend. My husband wants to talk to SD to make sure she's comfortable around boyfriend and knows she can talk to us if she ever feels uncomfortable with the boyfriend..but we don't want to upset anyone.
Any words of advice on how we should go about this conversation with our daughter?
Details: exactly 50/50 custody, joint physical placement, Bio mom and boyfriend have been dating 6 months, moved in January 2017...
Usually early mornings she
Usually early mornings she leaves for work. Some weekends she is meeting friends and BF is babysitting. She makes her own schedule so before she wasn't leaving for work as early and just taking my SD to school herself. Occasionally my MIL would watch SD on weekends for BM if she had plans..we have tried having her ask us to watch our SD if she has plans but she refuses to give us "more time than she has" with my SD
I'd have the talk with her
I'd have the talk with her about good touching and bad touching and reiterate that if any bad touching ever happens, that nothing bad will happen to her if she tells. And then leave it at that. No sense in creating drama where none existed.
It's very kind of her boyfriend to step up like that. He is certainly under no obligation to do so.
Do normal good touch/bad
Do normal good touch/bad touch education with her but do not in any way implicate the boyfriend in this talk.
If there's generally good co-parenting going on then Dad has to trust that BM can pick a new partner as well as he can. If sd doesn't have to be afraid of you, she doesn't have to be afraid of stepdad.
Keep your ears open but trust that bm loves her child.
Unless there are more details you haven't posted yet, there seems no reason to fear this man in particular. He may be a very good stepfather. Which would be good for all.
What goes on in BM's home
What goes on in BM's home should be no concern of yours or your DH's ...... unless there are indicators of abuse.
Missing mommy is not something the other parent should have anything to say regarding.
^^^agree^^^^ We are trying to
^^^agree^^^^
We are trying to teach our SD about how to resolve conflict correctly and prevent her from learning to manipulate her parents by pitting them against each other. Unless it is a case of abuse or a situation where she feels unsafe, we ask her not to complain to us about things that happen in her BM's house and not to complain to BM about what happens in ours. Instead, talk to the people who can actually fix the problem.
Example, recently SD pulled me aside to say she didn't like sleeping at BM's house, because her bed is too full of junk and so she is forced to sleep on the couch. WHAT?! DH and I flipped and were very close to calling BM. I was so mad that this precious child should have to sleep on a couch because her mother was too lazy to clear off the bed. But DH and I had to take a few deep breaths and ask ourselves, "is sleeping on the couch really going to hurt her?" No?, well then maybe let's teach her how to address this with her mom. Guess what, she talked to her mom, they cleaned her room together, and now she sleeps in her bed.
Reminds me of 13ish SD. She
Reminds me of 13ish SD. She complained one time that her brother snores or breathes heavily when he sleeps.
DH: How would you know?
SD: Cuz mom was too busy to put the sheets on my bed after the laundry! I had to share a bed with mom and SS!
DH: (laughing) You're kidding! You are plenty old enough to put the sheets on your own bed! I have no sympathy. If you don't want to sleep like that then fix your own darn bed!
It worked. (I just wish he would handle things in that exact manner more often)