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BM lost it and screamed in front of kids

Stepmom26745294's picture
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So if you have haven't read my other posts, BM has been doing some really nasty things. She does not want the kids to have a family outside of her. She does everything on her power to keep them from us. They love being with us and we have a wonderful relationship with them despite her best efforts. So one of her ploys is to sign the kids up for multiple sports at one time so our entire weekend with them is only DH taking them to sports where she is there waiting and takes over. There are several reasons that this does not work. Not for us and definitely not for the kids. So, he told her that he supports the boys doing sports but multiple at one time is not healthy as we have spoke to professionals about this and following their recommendation as well as the kids not having ANY time here for homework, or to play with friends or take care of their pets it's just not doable. So he said he will let them pick any sport they want for the season. Youngest picked wrestling and DH is coaching and oldest picked swim and DH takes him to all his practices ect... 

Well she went and signed them up anyway and pretty much laughed at DH and said "I need your confirmation that you WILL take them to whatever they want" he ignored her. He was already clear about where he stands.

So he goes and picks the boys up tonight for our weekend and she walks out smirking with baseball gear and says "here is his baseball gear" 

DH said "we don't need that thanks" 

Well apparently she lost it. He said she was screaming that they are not objects, they are human beings and it's not DH's time, it's THEIR time and they should be able to do whatever they want to do and told him he's awful and ridiculous and it's horrible what he's doing to his kids" he took the kids and got them in the car and tried to leave and she stuck her head in the car and was screaming her head off right over oldest SS head. DH asked her politely to step away from the car and she was just yelling

So they leave and DH said "I'm sorry you guys had to be in the middle of that. It's going to be okay. Let's go have a great weekend" he said neither one said a word the whole time she was screaming then after he said that they just started talking and acting like nothing happened. The kids have been in a great mood tonight, laughing and being silly and happy as can be. So, what now? Just let it go? Should he talk to them or let it go or what?? 
This is crazy. She has been doing some realty disturbing things. He's going to bring a friend to drop them off on Sunday for a witness just in case. She's losing it! 

Stepmom26745294's picture

I'm going with him to drop off on Sunday and have my camera ready. This is terrible. 

BethAnne's picture

I would just act like normal with the kids. Maybe at some point this weekend Dad can say to them that he understands that what happened when he picked them up must have been stressful for them and that if they have any questions or ever want to talk about it or anything else he is happy to listen.

I am not sure about recording BM if nothing is happening. IF she starts screaming again then it could be helpful for evidence, but might not help with de-escalating the situation. You could invest in a discrete dash cam this weekend, that might be more helpful. 

As the SM I would not be there for these exchanges, especially if BM does not like me. Just your presence will rile her up more and you do not need to subject yourself to this. She WILL blame this on you. If your husband wants to take a neutral friend or do exchanges at a neutral place then that is not a bad idea. 

If BMs beavhior continues and the children are old enough you could also consider doing a no-contact drop off. So your husband just drives them up and the kids walk themselves to the front door and when he sees that they have gone inside safely he can leave. On pick ups he can text the kids that he has arrived if they have phones or text BM if they do not and he can just stay in the car and the kids can walk themselves to the car. 

Rags's picture

He needs to have a micro recorder on him any time he interfaces with BM.  When she goes shreeking banshee on him, particulartly in front of the kids, he needs the recording to nail her ass to the wall in court.  

Snce she is apparently incapable of being reasonable, it is great that the Skids are seeing BM go nuckin futz while dad is calm and confident. He needs to maintain his cool and continue to  be supportive of his children.... while recording her shit.

 

 

fedupinwa's picture

I am sorry to hear you guys are going through that.  Even if SKs are acting happy they are not, that behavior will rattle anyone!  So sad that BM can't see past her own agenda to realize that two parents need to raise a child. 

tog redux's picture

My guess is that the kids weren't fazed because she screams at them all the time - mothers like this are often controlling with the kids, too, when they don't fall in line.

A dashcam is a great idea, then it can capture the audio without being obvious to BM that she is being recorded (which doesn't play well in court - been there, done that. They think the person recording is just as high conflict, go figure).

Good for your DH for sticking to his boundaries. He absolutely should bring someone with him, and request going forward that until there is a new pick-up spot, that she just sends the kids out alone (they are old enough to walk from house to car without BM holding their hands).  I went with DH a few times, she was always much better behaved if I was there.  She didn't want anyone to know what crazed loon she was.

I wouldn't say anything more to the kids, he handled that already.  And best of all, he showed them that BM is not the boss of him and that he isn't afraid to stand up to her.

hereiam's picture

I went with DH a few times, she was always much better behaved if I was there.  She didn't want anyone to know what crazed loon she was.

This was BM, over here, as well. She has NEVER shown her ass around me. She wants very few people to know what a psycho she really is. Not all are like that, though. In the beginning, I never went with DH because I thought it would ramp her up, turns out, I should have been going with him all along.

I agree, the kids are probably used to her antics.

tog redux's picture

Once again, we live parallel lives! BM was sweet as pie when I was around, all I had to do was sit in the passenger seat.  She wants to maintain the illusion that she's the sane one and DH is the loon.  As if he wasn't telling me all about her antics.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Another tactic to consider would be to accept the equipment and then not take the boys to the activity. It would keep her from blowing up in the moment. Your DH handled it great, just a thought on what to try in the future.

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

So he sent her an email that said her behavior was inappropriate in front of the kids and if there's anything she wants to discuss they can do so in front of the therapist. She came back with this: (Names taken out for privacy) 

"Your lack of support is proving to be a huge embarrassment to our family. Please take (SS1) to his game today and his practice tomorrow. He said to me and (SS2) that his birthday wish from you was to be allowed to participate in his activities. How sad does that make you? He doesn't want any presents, just your time to take him to his activities.

Thank you for reconsidering what is best for the children. As always, my offer stands to take the kids to their activities when you are unable to do so. My parents and brother would like to go to the game today, as well, so please let us know with plenty of advanced notice so we can go cheer him on." 

 

DH texted her brother and asked him if he's going to the game and he came back and said "thanks for the invite. We actually have plans today but maybe next time" 

he thought DH was inviting him and he said he couldn't go. She lies constantly!! 

hereiam's picture

He needs to just stop engaging her. She already knows her behavior is inappropriate, she doesn't care. He just opened himself up to all of that nonsense that she spouted.

He should just ignore her. If she hands him sports gear, take it and just do what he wants to do with the kids on his time. No use arguing with her or trying to talk to her about it.

Stepmom26745294's picture

We were told to write the email for documentation. But yeah, I guess he could have just taken the stuff but didn't want his son to see him not stand up to mom either. They think she's the boss of everyone's life and he's trying to help them understand she doesn't control things.