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BM has full custody of Stepkids but she’s always trying to get rid of them.

Bellacani14's picture
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Ok so I've been trying to vent about this situation for a very long time. I've been with my Fiancé for almost 5 years now and he has a 10 year old daughter and a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. When we first started dating, everything was great. Him and the BM worked out an agreement without involving the courts so he was paying her weekly and was seeing the kids a few times a week and they would spend the night here and there but not on a set schedule. The BM was also nice and easy to deal with back then. She then had two other children by someone else and started to change. She ended up leaving the second guy she had her last two children with to be with an older married guy who has two kids of his own. Once she got with this new guy, she decided to quit her job and take my fiancé and her other kids' father to court to get as much money as she could out of them. She succeeded and is now getting a pretty good amount each month from both fathers on top of being able to live at her boyfriend and parents house rent free. Once she took my fiancé to court, they agreed on an every other weekend and 1-2 days out of the week schedule. So now we've been doing this schedule for a couple of years now and it's been ok for the most part. The problem is that she wants us to take the kids more often, even though my fiancé is paying her way more than he should be. She uses the kids as a way to make my fiancé feel guilty for not having them full time and if he says that he can't take them when she wants him too, she tells the kids that we don't want them so it makes the kids feel like their dad doesn't want to spend time with them. I don't think this is fair at all considering she doesn't work and my fiancé is paying her to take care of them the days we don't have them. I want to scream every time she messages him saying If you have no plans this weekend you should get your kids (even though it's her weekend and they agreed on this schedule!) She always has her parents watch all of her kids while she runs off to her boyfriends house or goes out but here my fiancé is paying her all this money basically for nothing. Now with all of this COVID-19 stuff going on, the kids have to do their school at home and she can't take it. Literally everyday she's texting him to get the kids because she doesn't want to deal with them. She's making up every excuse to get him to take the kids for her, even though she does not work at all and gets paid plenty of money to take care of the kids!! I should mention that when we get the kids on our weekends, they tend to misbehave and it drives me insane. I love them dearly but I find myself locked in my room  constantly due to them running up and down the steps, screaming and fighting each other and doing annoying things to grab their dad's attention. So when we have them it's a lot on me. I try to incorporate fun games and crafts to do with them, but after a while they become so whiny and bratty. It drives me nuts! They're allowed to get away with anything at their house because their BM and grandparents don't care what they do, so when they come to ours they feel they can talk back, leave trash, curse, make a mess and not clean up after themselves, etc. I feel like getting the kids more often wouldn't be such a big deal if I could actually stand having them around longer than a weekend, but I just can't do it. Once Sundays come during our weekends, I'm so relieved and happy because I know I'll get my house back to the way it was! Summer vacations are the worst because for a straight week they act up and expect to get a new toy every day since their grandparents have done this for them since they were babies. It's so freaking frustrating because they're so spoiled. I feel bad for feeling this way about this situation because I know my fiancé wants nothing more but to have full custody of his kids and he's holding back so much out of respect for my feelings. I love that he has a relationship with his children and that he wants to be there more but I feel that everyone involved with the BM lets her get away with so much. Whenever something is too overwhelming for her or too much work for her to do, she calls someone else to take care of it for her. She's never done anything for herself and it bothers me! I was raised by a single mother who did everything on her own! My mom literally raised two girls on her own while getting a Bachelor's and Master's Degree and she did it without complaining or shipping us off to other people. So it bothers me whenever this dumbass complains about having to watch her kids by herself when she chose to have 4 children and decided she didn't want to work! She's a grown ass woman and there are so many single mothers and fathers out here raising their kids on their own without any help!!!! Once COVID-19 became so bad I knew she would be calling my fiancé consistently begging him to rescue her from the kids. She sends him videos of his kids fighting with each other and says comments like this is why your father needs to have you guys more often. Like what?!? Not only does their father see his kids when he's supposed to, he gets his kids for their extracurricular activities as well! She puts the kids in sports and stuff to keep them out of the house (which I think is great) but she makes my fiancé pay for those activities and she makes him pick them up and take them to their practices and games so she doesn't have to deal with them and she only shows up to certain games to take pics and post them on her social media accounts to make everyone think she is a great and involved parent. It bothers me so much! Sometimes I wish I never got into  this relationship because then I wouldn't have to deal with this BM and her crap, but I keep praying and hoping that things will get better. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because no one I know can relate to any of this. Are there any Stepmoms/stepdads out there that have been in this position? Am I a bad person for not wanting my fiancé to have his kids more than the agreed schedule even though he is paying child support, extracurricular activities, and he pays for their health insurance!!! 

Aunt Agatha's picture

These are your DHs responsibility.  Not yours.

Also, please break the above into paragraphs.  It's  very hard to read in one big chunk of text.

Bellacani14's picture

Thank you for your response and my apologies for not providing paragraphs, this is my first post! I'll make sure to do this next time! 

SteppedOut's picture

Ultimately you need to disengage for your own sanity. 

That being said, I am unsure how that actually works. It is hard to disengage if the kids are there. It is hard to disengage when financial stuff will affect you, even if you have separate finnaces. 

While you are not married yet, it seems as though you will be eventually (? 5 year engagement). So, in my thoughts, you definately should have some say. Your SO should not be guilted into taking the kids more while bm gets premium CS and all. If she wants/"needs" your SO to have a longer/more frequent custody schedule, the CS amount must be reduced to reflect the schedule. 

I would have a HUGE problem if he took them more, thus increasing household expenses, while paying a premium rate in CS. 

Also. As above poster advised, paragraphs would help. 

Bellacani14's picture

Apologies for not providing paragraphs! 

I will say for the most part my SO does listen to my feelings about this whole situation but I can just tell it bothers him and he would rather take his kids as much as possible to keep the peace. 

He knows how difficult this woman is so instead of arguing with her, he would rather just pay her and take the kids so he doesn't have to hear her complain. This annoys me so much because he's letting her take advantage of him, but at the same time I understand from his point of view, he would rather spend the time with his kids as much as he can. 

I guess it's hard for me because I don't have any biological kids yet and I've never been in this type of situation. As positive as I try to be, I worry this will get worse once we're married (our wedding is this upcoming fall, we had a 2 year engagement). 

It's been stressful enough planning a wedding, we're also paying for the majority of this wedding so all our extra money is gone. So yes, it infuriates me when he agrees to take the kids more often even though he's already paying a premium rate of CS. *sad*

 

 

SteppedOut's picture

This is going to/already is affecting your finances.

Is he able to save for retirement? How about cars for his kids? College? Future weddings? 

Do you plan on having children of your own? Will they have to "do without" to ensure he doesn't have to say no to his kids? 

You really need to think about his inability to say no.

justmakingthebest's picture

Are you keeping a calendar of when you have these kids? 

I would make sure that you are doing that! Also that she is constantly requesting that he take them more. Then once all of this COVID stuff is over, a new visitation schedule needs to be done formally through the courts- along with that adjustments to CS should be made. She doesn't get to have her CS and ditch the kids, that is not how this works. 

Bellacani14's picture

So we've been taking screenshots of her messages and saving them for a rainy day! No one else in his family sees this situation as a problem. They literally just say oh well take the kids. Like no, she's not working or doing anything of value so why should she be given all this money and not take care of her responsibilities?! I'm hoping a judge will see this behavior and completely rip her a new one! *clapping*

Harry's picture

Number one  He is not going to get full custody, unless there is real proof of BM doing wrong, arrested for drugs. Type things.  You will be wasting your money,  number two if you do not want to take care of them that your choice.  He is the one changing the rules. 
 

Hope he has the time to do all the parenting