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BM drama, does it ever end?!?

Chicago3's picture
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I’m getting fed up and working myself up over the drama the BM is adding to my life. She always claims she puts the kids first but on a monthly basis she tells the kids that her and BD are getting back together when she and the kids know that we will be getting engaged this year and will get married. She caused the divorce after numerous times of cheating on BD. He ever gave her a second chance and she for three years afterwards, she was still sleeping with other men, including married men. Now she has a plenthora of new men in her life and bring them around the kids and tells them that they are just mommy’s friends....but me, I have a great life, career, financially stable, eonderful relationship with the kids (who don’t know the real reason why mom and dad got divorced) but yet I’m talked about like I’m the woman who broke up their marriage. I know I can’t play her dirty games even though sometimes I just want to mean girl her back but I’m exhausted. I play nice to her face whenever I have to see her but then sometimes after I’m triggered stacked by all her drama for weeks leading up to an event for the kids that we both will be present, I get snippy and give my boyfriend attitude. I’m just exhausted by all the drama, we are all in the same age bracket and I’m tired. Do these BM EVER STOP?! Why can’t they be adults when they are the cause of their own misery?! 

Chicago3's picture

I guess my biggest question is, how do I stop letting it affect me so much and not to get worked up and cold shoulder the boyfriend and ruin the whole night. I have a toxic mother like the ex wife but I’ve had 35 years to learn how to navigate her. I try to apply some of the same techniques with the ex wife but for whatever reason it’s harder to not let it happen. Is it because I know I’m a great person and she’s not even giving me the chance to show it to her, automatically hates me because I have her ex? Ugh, I just don’t want this to be the cause of the reason my relationship might end

Winterglow's picture

Under what circumstances do you "have" to see her? (not being snippy, just looking for a starting point)

Chicago3's picture

jusf big events for the kids, soccer tournaments, choir concerts. 

SteppedOut's picture

Short answer: it probably won't stop and may get worse (likely). Additionally, she will so her best to turn the skids against you. 

Think long and hard, before you get married, if you want to live the rest of your life like this. 

Chicago3's picture

That’s what I’m partially worried about as well. We can’t live together until we get married (dumb clause in the divorce decree) but what kind of hell is she going to cause when that happens. The thought of her trying to get into my home and sneak around. Ugh

Winterglow's picture

"trying to get into my home and sneak around"

Where I come from that's called breaking and entering ... 

How old are the kids? Would they need a key? Would they ever be alone in your home? Either way - keys stay at your place. Kids are told very clearly that they do not invite anyone in who doesn't live there. Make sure they understand that this includes their mother. Draw explicit boundaries.

If in doubt, there's always the nanny cam solution.

If she finds a way in, call the cops. You are within your rights as a homeowner to protect your place.

 

beebeel's picture

Eventually, these Succubuses (or succubi?) find someone else to drain dry. A lot of the drama BM shot at me directly died down once she remarried. Then, as the skids became older teenagers, bm faded back into the murky underground from hence she came.

Chicago3's picture

i can’t wait for that day to come. But so far the last couple relationships she’s had with men end because they can’t deal with her drama. All she wants is her next sugar daddy. 

beebeel's picture

Every pot has a lid! BM here went through a revolving door of dick for a few years post divorce before finally finding the Al Bundy to her Peggy. Wink

Chicago3's picture

hahaha! This is a great response! And exactly how I describe it, revolving door of dick!

Step-girlfriend's picture

Been there, still there. We almost broke up over it.

The first thing you need to do is cut off the source of communication. How are you hearing about all of the things she is doing and says? Block her. You personally do not have any communication. I too wonder why you have to see her? I see Crazy maybe 4 times a year, across a school gym, and we make sure there is no interaction. My SO doesn't see her either. You shouldn't have to see her or talk to her, text her...nothing. You and her do not communicate. All communication is done through your SO, which leads me to the next point- he can block her too. Maybe keep email open, but not texting/phone calls. We had Our Family Wizard court-ordered as the only method of communication. No texting, no calling, no using skids phones. It. Is. Awesome. Went from daily harrassment to maybe once or twice a month, only on OFW. Parents who claim they need to talk constantly about skids are full of shit, IMO. That's fine if you have a healthy co-parenting relationship, but it turns out you can raise kids separately and only communicate once or twice a month, and SD even has a serious health issue that requires extra attention.

Set pick-ups/drop-offs to happen at school- Your SO drops off, she picks up...you never even see her. On days when that isn't possible, whoever does the drop-off stays in the car in the driveway- you don't even see her. If skids start telling you nonsense about what she says, tell them you would rather not talk about what BM says, and change the subject. Limit the contact, I assure you it makes the difference between being exhaused and going crazy, and being at a point that's manageable. We still have frustrations (I can hear her talking crap about us to SD on Facetime, or SD tells us things she says, or she'll write something crazy on OFW), but it is way less common now that most communication is blocked.

Good luck, I feel your pain!

Chicago3's picture

I never talk to her, I’ve had to block her because she’s a stalker and got my information and has threatened to call me or whatever and we’ve had to call the cops on her. I only hear about the drama from my boyfriend when they do a at home drop off or pick up or have a conversation about the kids. He so bad thinks the best of people and that one day if he keeps trying to have healthy communication with her in regards to the children only that she will change her ways. I just don’t see it ever happening.  

As for kids events when I do see her, my boyfriend wants to be the bigger person and of course go up to the kids and say hi and show them we can all get along so we fake smile and say hi to one another for the kids sake. 

Is it unfair to tell him I don’t want to hear when she causes a scene? I thought I wanted to know this stuff to make me better prepared if the kids have questions or come home saying mom said this or that. 

Winterglow's picture

I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to tell him you do NOT want to hear about her (good or bad).

I also think it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline to go to any of the events. You're not the parent, he is, therefore his presence is required but your's isn't. 

Tell him that the best in you comes out when you don't see her, hear from her or about her.

IF you ever have to call the cops on her again, get a restraining order.

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

"He so bad thinks the best of people and that one day if he keeps trying to have healthy communication with her in regards to the children only that she will change her ways."

So he's making you have anxiety and feel exhausted by the whole thing "just in case" someday she changes....interesting strategy. Let's see how that works out for him when you have had enough and leave the relationship. Will it have been worth it?  The kids don't need to see them having a buddy-buddy relationship. They will be just fine without it. They can talk to each parent separately and be just fine with it. Skids here NEVER....and I mean never, see their parents having a "nice" relationship. They just don't interact, and skids just know that's how it is. It was parents night at school a few weeks ago, my SO walked in and had to go stand by Crazy to walk in with the kids together. They didn't look at each other, he still said hi to the kids, walked in with them, then Crazy and him went their separate ways. Skids don't even pay attention! He can still say hi to the kids, or even say hi to his ex, but that doesn't mean he has to engage in convo with his ex. Especially when nothing good is coming from it.

And no, you can absolutely tell him you don't really want to hear about it. I felt the same as you, I really wanted to know what was going on, I felt like I needed to be "in the loop". After we got OFW and the stress of it all lessened, I realized how awesome it was not dealing with her nonsense. He still tells me most stuff, but it isn't all that often, and there are things he doesn't mention, and I find myself not caring and being better off not knowing. I used to think I would feel like he was keeping stuff from me, but now I just don't care. It helps to keep your distance from it. 

Chicago3's picture

tbats exactly how I felt or started to feel that I needed to know everything to keep me prepared. And then I thought I should go back to my rule if I don’t care, don’t want to know unless it’s soemthing important or going to affect the kids. In hopes that doesn’t sound/feel like an unhealthy relationship for him and I when I tell him I don’t want to hear about this crazy ex you are stuck with for the next 20 plus years or whatever. 

SM12's picture

I know for the first 3-4 years of our marriage I would take out my frustrations over BM on DH.   And honestly, sometimes he deserved it because of how HE was dealing with DH.   Bowing down to her demands, putting her before me.  You get it. 

Mine he started really started putting our marriage first and not cowering to BM it did get better.  But I had to learn to stop taking it all out on him.

the first thing I did was truly disengage.  That means zero craps given about how BM feels or does as it doesn’t affect me.

The second thing I had to do was really think about how I would feel if my DH were upset with me over the actions of someone else.  DH can’t control the crazy and neither can you.  If BM tells the kids she and your SO are getting back together...so what as long as you know the truth.  And your DH cannot control what comes out of her mouth.   

Honestly step life sucks.  I don’t see it getting much easier for you if you have a high conflict BM.  Really think hard about whether you want to live like this for years to come.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

She will never change and never stop.

'you can't change people but you can change how you react to them'

Easier said then done but yes that's the answer. Ignore the bitch. If you see her out wave and move on. No need for small talk.

Anything skid related your DH handles. He talks to BM. He sets her straight. He ensures your boundaries stay in tact. Make sure you DO have boundaries set ahead of time. 

As for her poisoning skid, can't do anything about that. She is going to do it if she hasn't started already. I just laugh it off and be the best person I can be. If you don't like me oh well.  Don't want to talk to me oh well. Won't acknowledge me oh well. Disrespect me and we have a problem!

Overall my suggestion is to take that imaginary BM load off your back and hand it over to your DH! 

 

Survivingstephell's picture

If the skids do start repeating BM programming, ask them why she would say that when they know you and their dad are getting married.   Keep asking them why she would say or tell them whatever line of bs they spout off at you whenever it happens.  Let them figure it out and go back to BM.   That's one way to handle it.  It also is a tactic used in Divorce Poison book.  (I highly recommend it for your own sanity)  

You can't stop how she acts but you can sit at an event and imagine just about anything happening to her.  Write that murder mystery novel in your head.  LOL   All joking aside, you don't have to be nice to her, you don't have to fake it with her, just ignore her.  Look right thru her as if she isn't there.  Doesn't take much energy and it will piss her off to no end that you are not playing her game anymore.  If you're lucky, she will explode in public and make an ass of herself .   If that happens, you play innocent and wonder why she lost it.   

Also, don't be afraid to hold her accountable YOURSELF, if she needs legal consequences, say a visit from the cops or a stern letter from a lawyer.  Most men don't want to hold their crazy ex accountable, leading to years of abuse from a BM.  Nip that crap in the bud yourself.  I had to and it was game changer.  Never give your power away.  One visit from the cops and BM knew I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  I don't think many stood up to her over the years.  I waited too long and suffered her drama for 4 years but looking back I should have called sooner.  Lesson learned and one I share.  I hadn't found this site yet and was reaching the end of my rope with her.  

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to remember that you are an adult who functions just fine, don't need instructions and drama from a crazy woman and know your rights and how to enforce them.  Disengage from it all.  

Chicago3's picture

This is very helpful! Thank you so much, honestly you have no idea. I sometimes feel like a crazy woman over here and no one gets me because none of my friends are dating a divorced dad with kiddos. 

tog redux's picture

In my experience, no, they don’t stop, and it will likely get worse when you get married. She will try to turn the kids against both of you and might be successful. It’s not an easy road and love is not enough to make it tolerable. Be sure you are clear about what you are getting into. After 9 years of this crap, my DH barely has a relationship with his son thanks to BM. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

But you can get better at not dealing with it.  I have a fine relationship with the skids.  It’s the crazy pants BM that caused me problems.  But over the almost 9 years my SO and I have been together:

1) I have only said the following to her (based on her stalking me for the first year or so):

  - Leave me alone.

  - stay away from me.

  - Get off my propety,  or I will have your skanky ass arrested in front of your kids for trespassing (maybe a bit too salty, but she had already been warned by my SO and his lawyer to stay off my property in writing)

I think that’s it. No waving, no acknowledgement of her, and if she tries to approach me in a public place (the rare school event I attend when skids invite me) I walk away.  F her.

I stay out of the drama, don’t talk about her at all, and even now that the skids are all teens, I say nothing about her and ignore whatever stories they are telling about her (all of which revolve around horrid or stupid things she does to them.

I did once when she was yelling at the oldest on a phone call about how fat and ugly the oldest was in her opinion (the oldest is her favorite target of abuse) - loud enough for all of us in the room to hear (and not on speaker phone) - took the phone from the oldest and said loudly to her so the crazy pants BM could here, “I’m sorry oldest SD, I don’t know who you are talking to, but In this house we respect each other and don’t allow others to talk that way” and hung up on BM.  Then I reiterated she was in her fathers house, so our rules were to be followed, and I would hang up on anyone who talked to her that way.  All she had to do was tell me, and I would be happy to defend her and if anyone didn’t like it, they could talk to her father (who also hangs up on BM if she can’t act respectfully).

i have a great relationship with BMs family, ironically enough, because she treats her own parents, sister and brothers poorly too.  But I have zero to do with her.

So just shun her.  F acknowledging her with a wave.  She is your SOs problem, not yours.  To you she is like the crazy lady on a bus and nothing good will come from any interaction.

 

tankh21's picture

OP, everyone here is totally right about the advice they are giving you. I used to bother me so much the way BM would treat me DH. I ignore the reptile now as much as possible. But, the BM or the skids will feel my wrath if they get on my bad side but I mostly ignore them. If BM knows that she can push your buttons she will continue to do it. It really doesn't get any better IMO.