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BF's family and bio mom Crossing all sorts of boundaries

Rednwhiteroses's picture

I think some of you may remember when I posted early last year when I was pregnant with my now one year old son. I said that I was leaving his father which I did for a time but we have reconciled because he promised to change some things and I saw a real change.

However, BM and his family have now crossed the ultimate boundary. He wasn't seeing his two of his three kids from a previous marriage very much at all because his ex-wife was not abiding by the custody agreement. We are not living together at this time and I found out that his ex-wife stayed in his house with the family the other night.

She's supposedly brought the kids down to get her taxes and close out her bank account that is here. They live 2 hours away so she brought them because of that. She ended up spending the night in the house with him and the rest of his family.

Here's why I think it was planned out though he denies it. Two days before this, his mom and sister dropped off clothes at my house that I didn't ask them to and they did it on an ounce. They just texted me asking me if I was off and when I said yes they brought this huge bag of my clothes that I had left in his house back to my house. Now 2 Days Later his ex-wife is in his house. You can't tell me that wasn't planned.

He's claiming that I'm overreacting and that he doesn't want to be with her but I seriously doubt that. His sister was acting very funny and cold towards me the other day and it is unusual for her. I just put two and two together. I don't know, maybe I am overreacting but I don't think so. We got into a huge fight on the phone last night and I told him that I am tired of being disrespected by his family and by his ex-wife doing this kind of stuff and him allowing it.

I told him at that until I see some kind of real change I am not going to continue the relationship. I told him that I am sick and tired of him rolling over and doing whatever BM wants. I am tired of her interfering on our relationship and trampling all over healthy boundaries which I don't think they ever learned how to set. I understand that they need to co-parent but there is no reason for her to be texting him about everything that's happening in her life and there's absolutely no reason for her to be spending the night in his house. Like I said, he thinks I'm overreacting but I'm just tired of being expected to be a doormat.

I've had people telling me that this is just a normal part of co-parenting but I disagree. Am I wrong for being upset? One thing I forgot to mention is that his mother told me that his ex-wife will not be going back to her state until Saturday so I guess this means that she's going to be in his house all week because she has no friends or family here. Not sorry but that's not something I'm willing to put up with. He could go to a friend's house at night.

I guess there's very little that could happen with his family being around but still, there's always that chance. I just feel like I'm tired of being told that how I feel is wrong and that I'm overreacting so as I asked before, Am I Wrong to be upset? Is this just a normal part of co-parenting or is it a big huge nope like I think it is? Thanks.

Harry's picture

His real relationship is with BM not you.   Time to really call it quits. File for CS. ASAP

Rednwhiteroses's picture

So you're saying that you think he is really in a relationship with her and is just stringing me along? Yes I plan on filing for child support. It's bullshit the stuff I've had to go through. I believe that he is just telling me I'm overreacting and trying to keep me around because I benefit him in some way. That would explain his sister's weird Behavior towards me the other day. This is because they know that something is going on between them and that's what I think.

Gimlet's picture

Agree with Futuro.  Trust your gut, OP.  What you wrote above is probably exactly what's happening.  There is something going on with BM.

He is gaslighting you to keep you in your place of being convenient for him. 

File for CS NOW.  Wash your hands of this man, for good this time. 

Rednwhiteroses's picture

I'm taking a cab over there this evening unannounced to see what's really going on. I don't live very far from his house, it's like a $4 cab ride. I think I'm going to wait till about 7 or 8 when I know everybody would be in the house and I'm just going to pop up unannounced and catch him in the act. That way he can't try to gaslight anymore and I will know exactly what's going on.

Rednwhiteroses's picture

Regardless of what I find I'm still done with him. I am tired of him doing this kind of stuff and allowing his family to walk all over me. They are also in on attempting to Gaslight me because yesterday his mom made the comment that I ask them to bring those clothes over. No, no I did not and I think I would remember if I had asked them that. So as I said, I'm going to pop up over there unannounced and see what's really going on. Mostly because I want to know what sort of environment I'm going to be sending my son into for visitation. Honestly though I think I'm going to be petitioning the courts to change the visitations to a public setting. This is not working. His entire family is dysfunctional and it will be a cold day in Hell before I allow my child to be exposed to them any longer.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and we dont' spend the night at each other's houses EVER.  we only communicate about dental appointments, drop offs, pick ups, a science project and that's it.  I wouldn't dare spend the night at his house nor would I want to?  It would be completely disrespectful to his now wife and my children's stepmother.  

THis relationship needs to end.  I wouldn't put up with this. 

Survivingstephell's picture

They are serving up a buffet of sh!t sandwiches aren't they?   No you aren't wrong.  A clear message was sent by  them all with the bag of clothes and the gaslighting going on.  Get a tight CO with this bunch, you will need it to keep them in line.  DH needs you way more than you need him.  

advice.only2's picture

Uh no you are not overreacting, if she wanted to come to town to take care of some of her personal sh@t she could have easily dropped the kids with their dad and STAYED AT A HOTEL!!! Nope this was planned and your EX is gaslighting you because he got caught and doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions.

CastleJJ's picture

So his sister brought you a bag of your clothes that you had left at his house and two days later his BM slept at his house... this sounds like he sent his sister to dump you and return your belongings, all while he is shacking up with BM. He didn't even have the decency to bring the clothes back himself. 

This is not normal. I'd leave and take him for CS. 

weightedworld's picture

Thats not normal at all. If you would so like to see for yourself.. make an unannounced visit this evening to say hello. See how awkward the situation gets then. And then you will have your answer. 


Rednwhiteroses's picture

Yep I thought about doing that because I don't live very far from his house. It's like a $4 cab ride. I thought about getting dressed and going over there and making a surprise visit to see if she's still in his house. He's claiming that nothing's going on but I don't believe him. I believe that she's still there.

Winterglow's picture

Then do it. At the very least it will give you closure.

To echo the others, you are not in the wrong and you are not overreacting. Spending the night at an ex's home is absolutely not a normal part of co parenting and whoever said it was is either gaslighting you or is living in another dimension. His ex should have gone to a hotel, NOT cozied up with her ex-husband. 

I would be further insulted that they thought you were so naive and stupid as to swallow their story. 


simifan's picture

If he had any boundaries or respect for your relationship he would not have spent the night in the same house. He could have gone to your home, a hotel, a friends. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. 

Co-parenting is "hey JR has a dental appointment on friday - i have a meeting can you take him?" Hanging out with the Ex is an enmeshed relationship I would not want to be involved in. This man chose to please the other women in his life. Time to move on & find on that makes you a priority. 


ETA - OMG... I thought he was staying in his Momma's home. He let her stay at his home? Girl definitely time to move on.

Aunt Agatha's picture

But why waste the $8 ($4 each way)?  Put it towards a nice bottle of wine or some delicious take out, and start planning for the CS and other plans for your and your child's future.

You won't learn anything going over there, but will have more drama and possibly give BM the thrill that you cared so much.

Rednwhiteroses's picture

Yeah you're right, there's no sense in me wasting the $8. Why should I spend my money trying to figure it out. Just by the way he's acted I've already learned that he has no respect for me. Why the hell should I waste my hard-earned money trying to figure out what he's doing to me? You're right, I think I'm going to go get myself a nice bottle of wine. Screw him and screw his entire family. They are toxic and dysfunctional and all I can say is thank God I didn't marry into it. Yes I may have a child with him but that doesn't mean that I'm stuck with him. At the very least we have to co-parent. I agree with what and above poster said. Co-parenting is talking about your child's welfare, anything beyond that is inappropriate. He knows it and I know it and he's just trying to Gaslight me to keep me in a place of convenience for him.

Gimlet's picture

Yeah, I would not let them see me being upset or vulnerable like that.

The bottom line is that your boyfriend does not respect your boundaries and that is enough.  You don't need to "catch" them (they are going to lie anyway and just try to gaslight you even more) to walk away from this.

Spend your energy filing for CS and talking to a lawyer.

Rednwhiteroses's picture

Yes I've decided to just let him do whatever he's going to do because that's what's going to happen anyway. You're right, they're just going to lie and try to Gaslight me even more anyway and it would cause drama which could reflect bad on me in Family Court. I'm not going to do anything that could give them reason to think that I'm unstable and they could take my child. I'm just going to accept the fact that he is a poor excuse for a man who would cower to his family and ex-wife's demands and one day find me a mature man who knows how to set boundaries. At least I didn't marry him thank God. Thank you.

Dc3sc2's picture

I would pay the $8 just because I like to KNOW I would also like to make things crazy awkward for him because I would find it funny. Then go home and drink wine happily just replaying the hilarity in my mind. That depends on who you are as a person though if you can act like it doesn't bother you. If you are going to kick off and get upset probably better not doing it 

Winterglow's picture

Don't miss the opportunity to tell him what a disappointment he was to you... seriously, that he was naive/stupid enough to actually think that you would believe the crap he was spouting... Then hang up and block him. 

Childish, I know, but why not? 

shamds's picture

Is total bullshit!!

any sane man remarried or in a serious relationship will not succumb to having exwife stay in his home and use the excuse "well it was for the kids" or "the kids were here". 

my sd's are 26 & 15.5 and they have repeatedly in the past blurted crap about their mum not relevant to my husband. Things like "oh mum thinks her marriage won't last to her affair husband." Is this relevant to my husband?? Absolutely not!! Does my husband give a shit about it?? Absolutely not!!

then bio mum has eldest sd message rants of hers seriously inappropriate for their daughter to be messenger or middleperson. My husband refuses to respond or to acknowledge any of these messages and it falls on deaf ears.

I saw the warning signs early on and someone here said when you have the exwife disrespecting basic boundaries and using the "its for the kids excuse" so your husband or partner is suckered into this bullshit, its because between the 2 of you, he fears the exwide more because she knows how to manipulate him well.

so what do you do?? You make him fear you more and the consequences of disrespecting you!! For me i told hubby we were getting a divorce, that i would not be subjected to this toxic crap from skids and his enabling and encouragement of their toxicity and mental abuse towards me and our kids together (their half siblings).

it was in that moment that reality hit my husband thar failed skids and his enabling and silent encouragement of their unacceptable behaviour towards me, the exwife thinking she could dictate our household and me, his eldest sd thinking she controlled me and my kids was unacceptable and that if I divorced him, he'd have another fialed marriage and 2 kids who would despise him because their safety and welfare/ interests did not take precedence or priority over 2 spoiled disrespectful adults and teenage sd.

If i left him because of skid behaviour, those same skids he gave a free pass too would abandon him. So he realized real quick his priorities lied in putting us first. Skids are so alienated from him courtesy of bio mum that there isn't much of a relationship to manage anyways.

my husband will try to coax me into attending events with skids which are automatically met with a "fuc* no!!" There will never be a day i will be at any even or family function they will be at!! That is my boundary that needs to be respected

when my husband chucks a sob story, i remind him that its his fault for allowing this shit to continue for so long and frankly no one would be stupid enougj to torture themselves with skids presence. That shuts him up real quick

nappisan's picture

im sorry you have to go through this and not knowing is worse than knowing.  But it honestly doesnt matter whether something would happen sexually or not ,, its past that point already and whether a physical act happens is besides the point ,, hes emotionally cheating anyway,,emotionally cheating by putting everyone needs above yours. These people need a good dose of their own medcine sometimes ! get rid of him !!

Rags's picture

And you are not wrong or over reacting.

Do not walk into that hornet's nest.  Get a lawyer, go for his throat for a pile of CS, when his other kids age out from under CS, make sure to get that for your kid and get on with your life.