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Angry Stepdaughter wont stop back talk and disrespect

silverorch's picture
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I'm not sure how to deal with my current situation. Roughly a year and half ago I got married to my husband who has two kids and had partial custody of them ( he saw them every two weeks and every tursday) with an abusive , crazy ex wife.  Our age gap has also come into play, he is 45 I am now 29, we got married when I was 27. His kids are current 11 (daughter)  and 10 (son) The problem came when I got to know his daughter and within 3 days she was clinging to me and told me she was very unhappy with her mum, we  naturally grew close until a few months later she one day called us to come and stay with us basically forever. We went to court and got full custody. ( Not that I made this choice, as he never asked me, he just went ahead and did it). The boy still lived with his mum up till a few months ago wherby his mum decided to tell him that she would now be leaving for Dubai to look after a princess meaning he would be living with us forever ( she never told us  we found out from the son) so now I'm newly married with two new kids who's mums have abandoned them. I can understand that both children are hurt and while I've had a good relationship with them, the daughter has recently become very angry and rebellious. She had always been spoilt by my husband but shes got to a point where she can scare everyone in the house

 She screams , shouts, yells till she gets her way, will refuse to listen, controls every situation and is extremely disrespectful. She will not listen no matter how hard you try with her. I've gotten to a point where I feel like I'm the only one who is setting ground rules and parenting, so I'm the " bad guy " all the time. My husband just cannot deal with it and if I ask him to please just do something, parent or have my back he goes into "I'm too overwhelmed and cannot handle this" mode and reacts violently towards himself, such as smashing his head into a wall. I am left with dealing with his children. I work, am doing a masters, started a business and handle his children and home. I cannot cope with this. I also have my own unresolved issues that I never address. I feel like his daughter now doesnt like me, she just doesnt care how much she upsets home life and I hate to say it but I am resenting her and I wish she would just disappear. the step son is truley an angel. I used to be so close to her and she used to look up to me almost like a big sister following me everywhere. I spend every day thinking about these children wanting to help them in every way, making sure they are fed and clothed, taken care of and kept safe, to the point that I could tell when the girl was suddenly acting strange last year and despite her parents not knowing anything that was going on I knew something was wrong, I went through her laptop and found graphic  pornography- pages and pages of it (she was 10!) I instantly reported it and got her help. The point is that we have a history...of me helping her and now I cant reach her. But more then that I feel like she has no empathy or care, she is never kind or nice anymore. l I hear everyday is just...horrible...and its constant. What do I do? My husband just wont stand up to it, I almost feel like a single parent with a horrible, disrespectful child that I have no control over ( because I'm not a biological parent ). But I get the worst of it. I've never had kids before, all I've done is try to be the best I could ne to scar them less after what they've been through. Bit now the girl is making me feel so much anger and I'm beginning to hate my husband for not doing anything about it. 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Silverorch,

As is so often the case when a child is abandoned by its mother, your SD is hurt, angry and acting out. Instead of dealing with the fallout, your husband has handed over his parental responsibilities to you. Needless to say, smashing his head against a wall is both ridiculous and counterproductive.

If anyone deserves to be overwhelmed by this mess, it's you; your husband’s out of control daughter is his absolute responsibility! She clearly needs therapy to deal with her issues and, according to your husband’s aberrant reaction to stress; he should either be included in the sessions or begin treatment of his own.

You are very young, Hon, and clearly unhappy with your home life. Is this the way that you want to spend the next decade, frustrated and beleaguered by ‘other people’s children’? This is not what you signed up for when you married your much older husband and he needs to make some serious changes if he expects your relationship to survive. 

It’s time for you to back off from disciplining your SD, thereby forcing your husband to parent his own daughter. Please review the section on ST concerning ‘disengagement’. 

 

Welcome to StepTalk and best of luck!

Loki's picture

Seems like the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree.

Your DH smashes his head against the wall, Your SD shouts, screams, refuses to listen. From what you've written both need to learn ways of channelling their feelings in a healthy manner. Their extreme reactions seem very dysfunctional, both behave in full victim mode, using anger (either directed externally or internally) rather than having to take responsibility for their actions (Because that would mean taking a cold hard look at themselves and begin the hard work of altering their behaviour)

Have a look at the Karpman Triangle (google it), see if it resonates. You may find your DH's/SD's behaviour is not your burden to carry.

Rags's picture

He smashes his head against walls?  You need to get the hell out of there now and put this whack job and his shallow and polluted gene pool behind you. Before he bashes his brains out and you get stuck with his kids.

smh