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2 step children, and a baby on the way

Bc's picture

I need some advice... am I being unreasonable or selfish?

My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship. We have shared custody with their biological mother. 

my partner and I are expecting at the beginning of the summer break. Their mother has said she is working all summer so when she has the kids then they'll be going to a 'after school care' type thing all day, which is run by their school. My partner (without talking to me) offered to have them all summer so they didn't have to go to after school care. 
my partner and I are teachers so will have the summer off. We are expecting a baby together at the beginning of the summer holidays. I am stressed because this is my first biological child and the newborn thing is new to him to(he wasn't around the first few years with his other two). I don't think he realises how much work it's going to be. I do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, entertaining for the kids when we do have them and I know I won't have that time with a new born. 
I expressed my worry to him and said that the kids Gould still go to their mums like our usual arrangement. But he insists that they can stay with us and said that they are always welcome at ours no matter the arrangement. I agree that they are always welcome but am worried about how stressed/tired/etc that I am going to be. He told me he new I would push away from them once we had a baby together. Which is not the case, I am just being realistic (or so I think). 

please give me some advice?!! 

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? 

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Some folks may disagree but you are very realistic in your needs here. You need time with your newborn. 

Does your DH have family in the area that can watch the stepkids for a week or so? Or even your family? I personally don't have a baby but if I did I'd want a few days back home not worrying about older kids when trying to bond and figure out a new human that frankly does alien-like things ( not to be insulting but figuring out a cry itself can be insane )

To have a meet in the middle with your DH - explain you need some time. That doesn't mean the whole summer ( though that would be ideal )from expecting to having. Find a concrete number like 2-3 weeks after birth. Some people can't be reasonable but throwing out a set amount of days can work


Congrats on your soon to be addition and wishing you luck !

Edit : also those kids are your husband's issue. He has to understand he'll be cooking and cleaning for them. Not you.

Aniki's picture

When your partner insists they come stay with you is it so HE can spend time with them? If he expects YOU to parent, that is the problem.

Gimlet's picture

What is it with these clueless men?   There is no reason that the current arrangement cannot work for this summer. 

He has no experience with a newborn (and why wasn't he in his kids' lives anyway?) and he already relies on you to do the cooking and cleaning for his kids.  So now on top of that, he's going to try to guilt trip you that you are pushing his kids away because he doesn't understand your completely normal need to rest and bond with your newborn?

Does BM want to give up her whole summer with her kids?  Or is he just being the white knight  because he plans to pawn them off on you anyway?

I would not be OK with this. 

ChzyBob20's picture

Don't ever let him change visitation without consulting with you ever again. My husband never does this kind of crap; he discusses it with me.

somethingwicked's picture

Please stand your ground.The day he can birth a baby is the day he can change the visitation without consulting you and show everyone how he can meet all the needs of a newborn while parenting two school agers 24/7 and maintain the home.

Until then he is on the hook to care for his 2 children if he insists the kids are coming to stay all summer whle you, new mother ,focus on the new baby. Ridiculous ass this guy especially the part where he gaslights and guilts you with the old " knew I would push away from them once we had a baby together." 

What a douche . And why wasn't he  around the first few years with his older  kids? Sounds like Dadeee Guilt is playing a part in his decision. If so that is all on him and NOT YOURS to mitigate by picking up the slack caring for his 2 all summer. 

ndc's picture

You are being realistic. I recently had a new baby, and I can attest to it being a lot of work. It's also a big adjustment at a time when you're sleep deprived, hormonal, recovering from childbirrh, trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, etc.  You don't need any extra work or stress.  We had BM keep the skids for some additional time when our baby was born, and she also had them for winter break (it was her year). That was a godsend. 

I assume your H is just clueless. If he insists on the skids being with you, make sure he understands that he will be 100% responsible for skids and their needs (laundry, cooking,  cleaning, etc.) and that you also expect him to help with the new baby.  Maybe when he realizes how much work it will be he'll change his mind. If he doesn't, don't back down - make him carry the entire skid load.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

When I had BSstb16, DH had SD coming every weekend. I requested that she stayed home with Skankula for two weekends (so essentially two weeks)in a row. DH himmed and hauled about it but I stayed firm: I am new at this. I just pushed a toddler sized child out (over 9 lbs!) of my hooha for the first time and I need the time to myself since you’ll be at work...I’ll be damned if I’m taking care of your child, who can’t sleep alone (DH used to have to sleep on the couch while she slept on the loveseat bc Skankula was cosleeping with her til she was 7), and doesn’t listen, while I’m sleep deprived, in pain, and learning all this motherly stuff for the first time.

You are not wrong. He hasn’t even done this newborn thing before apparently, why does he expect YOU to handle it plus his children? 

Gelid3664th's picture

You are not being unrealistic. For one your partner should have discussed it with you first. The three weeks following having your baby should be spent between you and your partner. After that depending on the Skids ages they may be able to come stay. The older they are the more self sufficient/  self entertaining they may be. But on one hand after you and your partner have had couple weeks alone time, it may be a good experience for the Skids to get bonded with baby.  The Skids may have a ball watching the baby bounce around and giggle. Good experience for them to see how much work a baby is as well. But I would suggest 1 week, see how it goes and then go from there. Maybe a 1 week on, 1 week off after the 3 weeks you and your partner have had alone with baby.

But don't put too much stress on yourself. As a new mommy you have a right to ask for a break to take a nap or shower etc. Not sure about grandparent involvement but the more family support you can get the better. 

Harry's picture

That he will be responsible for his kids 24/7.  He will do all the cooking, cleaning snd child care.  When or where ever he goes. His kids go with him. You wool be taking care of the new born. And he also has to help you. 

Rags's picture

Play the new mom card and inform DH that you want the summer to bond with your new baby and start being a mom without hte distraction and interruption of the Skids being there full time.  Let him know that you want this for all three of you and that you expect him to be equally focused on the new baby you are having together.... for the first summer.

Lndsy747's picture

Personally I recommend 2-3 weeks with no visitors that would need to stay with you. My mom came to visit right after my daughter was born and it was awesome having her help. My MIL also came to stay with us right after and it was horrible. I'm not close with her so I found it awkward trying to learn breastfeeding and feeling like I had to be a host. She was supposed to stay for 2 weeks and left after 1 because she was offended that we didn't cater to her. We haven't spoken to her since and that was 2.5 years ago now. I had no idea how much you bleed the weeks after child birth and how much pain I'd be in. Put you foot down! You need time to heal and bond with the baby. You could end up with postpartum or other complications so it's best to just plan time for yourself and your partner alone.