"You don't love my children!"
DH was on a rant last night, out of nowhere. Something had to instigate it, and I believe it was SS9.
DH seemed kind of down last night. He wasn't talking much. I kept asking him what was wrong, and he kept saying nothing was wrong, but then finally he said, "Why don't you interact with my children more?"
I told him, as I have a zillion times before, that I on weeknights, I barely have time for my OWN children. I said that I'm not intentionally avoiding the skids (which, okay, that's not entirely true...). I get home from work at 6:00pm with both of my kids in tow, and I have a lot of stuff to do between 6:00pm and bed time, and there's just no time to interact with anybody, really. I barely even have time to sit down to scarf down my dinner, and I'm off and running again. DH helps with stuff around the house, but even so, there's very little down time on weeknights.
I also said, as I have before, that my main priority is making sure MY kids get the attention they need. Their father isn't involved in their lives at all at this point (and it's going to be that way for a good long while - long story), and if I don't show them attention, nobody's going to. They have no family in this area and no other real support network to speak of, so I'm on deck 24/7 when they need someone. His kids have both parents, tons of relatives around and all the adult interaction they can handle. Mine just DON'T. I don't know why this is such a hard concept for DH to grasp, but apparently it is.
Then DH threw out that bombshell that the skids' parent loves as a go-to: "You don't love my children!"
Now see, that comment sends everything into a wild tailspin of bullshit and yelling, and sheer frustration on my end.
So there we are, standing in the kitchen having this weird argument about me not loving his kids. "What more do you want from me?" I asked, totally exasperated. "I can't be everything to everybody! I can't be everywhere at once!"
DH: "Well, SS9 was saying to me again when I picked him up how much it bothers him that you don't interact with him more. He feels like you don't care about him."
Me: "The only time SS9 ever interacts with me is to ask me to do something for him or get him something. That's IT. I wouldn't mind interacting with him if he ever wanted to just TALK, for God's sake, but no, that never happens."
DH: "He's just a kid! He can't help that!"
Me: "Maybe not, but it still irritates the shit out of me that the only time your kids acknowledge my existence is when they WANT something from me!"
DH: "Well...You just DON'T LOVE THEM!"
Why do they think they can end and win every argument with that one damn statement?
I pointed out that DH never really interacts with MY kids, either. He hemmed and hawed and said he does, too. No, he doesn't, and I don't feel the need to point that our or drag my kids into it by saying they're upset about that. Because they're not. I seriously doubt SS9 is, either. DH is just using him to try to make me feel guilty for not doting on his kids 24/7.
DH said that I need to make more of an effort. "Why don't you ever take them with you to the store when you go grocery shopping?"
I laughed. "Ha! Why? WHY?! The last time I took one of them, they begged me for everything they saw in the store and started trying to sneak shit in my cart!" (I posted something about this a couple weeks ago. PISSED ME OFF!)
I do NOT tolerate children who go shopping to "help" me, then spend the entire time begging for this or that. I don't tolerate it from my own kids, and I damn sure am not about to tolerate it from someone else's.
I also reminded DH that after the skid and I got back from the store, he declared that he could no longer eat any of the cereal in our house because he didn't like it, and because "ncgal refused to let me buy ANYTHING at the store. Daddy, she wouldn't buy me ANYTHING!" When I heard him say that about me, I was DONE. Never again would I take that little asshat shopping anywhere with me if that was going to be his attitude about it. I told him even before we got in the store that the ONLY things we were buying were the things on my list, yet he continued to harrass me throughout the store to buy this, buy that, buy the other. After repeatedly trying to nicely remind him that we were only buying what was on the list, I finally snapped after about the 10th time of asking for shit and said, very firmly, "Look skid, I WILL NOT BUY YOU ANYTHING. If it's NOT on the list, it's NOT going in my cart. Got that?"
That's when the skid started trying to sneak stuff in my cart. God, I was LIVID by the time I got back home.
Of course, DH excused his son's bratty behavior. "Well, he's just a kid, ncgal. He can't help the way he acts."
^^^That, right there, is the source of about 75% of the problems DH and I have that are skid-related. He excuses EVERYTHING they do with that line right there. "They're JUST KIDS. They CAN'T HELP IT."
I told him I'd be damned if they couldn't. They damn sure can, and if they truly can't then they'll not be going anywhere alone with me again, EVER.
So then DH got this hurt look on his face and said, "So you're saying you won't ever do anything alone with my kids again, huh, ncgal? Wow. That's really nice of you."
"If you're saying they aren't capable of going with me and actually HELPING, and all they can do is go along to piss and moan and try to cause trouble, then yeah, that's EXACTLY what I'm saying. If you can't teach your kids to behave any better than that, then NO, they WON'T be going anywhere alone with me. You got that right."
We haven't spoken much since that little exchange last night. I swear to God I'm at my wit's end here. I already feel stretched to the limit and have to work nonstop, not sleeping well at night, and have no desire to do anything anymore. I feel like all I do is work, work, work, and then DH bitches at me for not doing MORE for his little ingrates.
He doesn't do jack-shit for my kids, and I've never expected him to. So I don't understand why he can be a shitty stepfather, but I'm expected to be the model stepmother? What in the HELL?!
Sorry for the rant. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I feel so alone and frustrated. DH may not realize it, but stuff like this is what's going to destroy our marriage.