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"You don't love my children!"

ncgal1980's picture

DH was on a rant last night, out of nowhere. Something had to instigate it, and I believe it was SS9.

DH seemed kind of down last night. He wasn't talking much. I kept asking him what was wrong, and he kept saying nothing was wrong, but then finally he said, "Why don't you interact with my children more?"

I told him, as I have a zillion times before, that I on weeknights, I barely have time for my OWN children. I said that I'm not intentionally avoiding the skids (which, okay, that's not entirely true...). I get home from work at 6:00pm with both of my kids in tow, and I have a lot of stuff to do between 6:00pm and bed time, and there's just no time to interact with anybody, really. I barely even have time to sit down to scarf down my dinner, and I'm off and running again. DH helps with stuff around the house, but even so, there's very little down time on weeknights.

I also said, as I have before, that my main priority is making sure MY kids get the attention they need. Their father isn't involved in their lives at all at this point (and it's going to be that way for a good long while - long story), and if I don't show them attention, nobody's going to. They have no family in this area and no other real support network to speak of, so I'm on deck 24/7 when they need someone. His kids have both parents, tons of relatives around and all the adult interaction they can handle. Mine just DON'T. I don't know why this is such a hard concept for DH to grasp, but apparently it is.

Then DH threw out that bombshell that the skids' parent loves as a go-to: "You don't love my children!"

Now see, that comment sends everything into a wild tailspin of bullshit and yelling, and sheer frustration on my end.

So there we are, standing in the kitchen having this weird argument about me not loving his kids. "What more do you want from me?" I asked, totally exasperated. "I can't be everything to everybody! I can't be everywhere at once!"

DH: "Well, SS9 was saying to me again when I picked him up how much it bothers him that you don't interact with him more. He feels like you don't care about him."

Me: "The only time SS9 ever interacts with me is to ask me to do something for him or get him something. That's IT. I wouldn't mind interacting with him if he ever wanted to just TALK, for God's sake, but no, that never happens."

DH: "He's just a kid! He can't help that!"

Me: "Maybe not, but it still irritates the shit out of me that the only time your kids acknowledge my existence is when they WANT something from me!"

DH: "Well...You just DON'T LOVE THEM!"

Why do they think they can end and win every argument with that one damn statement?

I pointed out that DH never really interacts with MY kids, either. He hemmed and hawed and said he does, too. No, he doesn't, and I don't feel the need to point that our or drag my kids into it by saying they're upset about that. Because they're not. I seriously doubt SS9 is, either. DH is just using him to try to make me feel guilty for not doting on his kids 24/7.

DH said that I need to make more of an effort. "Why don't you ever take them with you to the store when you go grocery shopping?"

I laughed. "Ha! Why? WHY?! The last time I took one of them, they begged me for everything they saw in the store and started trying to sneak shit in my cart!" (I posted something about this a couple weeks ago. PISSED ME OFF!)

I do NOT tolerate children who go shopping to "help" me, then spend the entire time begging for this or that. I don't tolerate it from my own kids, and I damn sure am not about to tolerate it from someone else's.

I also reminded DH that after the skid and I got back from the store, he declared that he could no longer eat any of the cereal in our house because he didn't like it, and because "ncgal refused to let me buy ANYTHING at the store. Daddy, she wouldn't buy me ANYTHING!" When I heard him say that about me, I was DONE. Never again would I take that little asshat shopping anywhere with me if that was going to be his attitude about it. I told him even before we got in the store that the ONLY things we were buying were the things on my list, yet he continued to harrass me throughout the store to buy this, buy that, buy the other. After repeatedly trying to nicely remind him that we were only buying what was on the list, I finally snapped after about the 10th time of asking for shit and said, very firmly, "Look skid, I WILL NOT BUY YOU ANYTHING. If it's NOT on the list, it's NOT going in my cart. Got that?"

That's when the skid started trying to sneak stuff in my cart. God, I was LIVID by the time I got back home.

Of course, DH excused his son's bratty behavior. "Well, he's just a kid, ncgal. He can't help the way he acts."

^^^That, right there, is the source of about 75% of the problems DH and I have that are skid-related. He excuses EVERYTHING they do with that line right there. "They're JUST KIDS. They CAN'T HELP IT."

I told him I'd be damned if they couldn't. They damn sure can, and if they truly can't then they'll not be going anywhere alone with me again, EVER.

So then DH got this hurt look on his face and said, "So you're saying you won't ever do anything alone with my kids again, huh, ncgal? Wow. That's really nice of you."

"If you're saying they aren't capable of going with me and actually HELPING, and all they can do is go along to piss and moan and try to cause trouble, then yeah, that's EXACTLY what I'm saying. If you can't teach your kids to behave any better than that, then NO, they WON'T be going anywhere alone with me. You got that right."

We haven't spoken much since that little exchange last night. I swear to God I'm at my wit's end here. I already feel stretched to the limit and have to work nonstop, not sleeping well at night, and have no desire to do anything anymore. I feel like all I do is work, work, work, and then DH bitches at me for not doing MORE for his little ingrates.

He doesn't do jack-shit for my kids, and I've never expected him to. So I don't understand why he can be a shitty stepfather, but I'm expected to be the model stepmother? What in the HELL?!

Sorry for the rant. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I feel so alone and frustrated. DH may not realize it, but stuff like this is what's going to destroy our marriage.

ncgal1980's picture

Never mind the fact that the skids weren't even supposed to be with us this week. They were with us all week last week, and because DH and BM made some schedule changes (which I was NOT informed about), now they're going to be with us most of the week this week, too, and then again all week next week like normal.

I'm already resentful of having them in my home additional days, yet I'm supposed to smile and be happy and sit with them on my lap reading them beddy-bye stories and doing whatever else they want me to do, whenever they want me to do it!

I don't interact with them enough. Well, shit. I bet my own kids would say I don't interact with THEM enough, too, and they're far and away much more important to me than these ungrateful jerks I have for stepkids.

tabby yabba do's picture

I don't think you're wrong in your feelings of frustration and resentment.

But I do think you owe it to your DH to be (more) honest with him. When a spouse knows "something" is going on (in your case, it's your true feelings of the skids that you don't admit to out loud - in my personal experience, it was my exH hitting on/cheating with other women) the spouse ends up feeling crazy and acting crazy. It's called gas-lighting your spouse.

You're gas-lighting your spouse about his kids and he's going crazy. He hears what you say, but sees something else. The disconnect causes a lot of conflict for both of you.

I feel for you!! But is there anyway you can just say, "No. I don't particularly like your son because Angel (b) and (c) have numbed the positive feelings I've had for him. But I think it can be different if we can find common ground."

ncgal1980's picture

I've been upfront with him - as upfront as I can be, but I can't seem to get beyond a certain point - about the particular things about his kids that drive me insane. Their lack of manners. Their constant neediness. Their inability to pick up after themselves or clean up any messes they make. Their nonstop whining. Their demanding ways. Whenever I point these things out - and I do try to do it tactfully and delicately because I know they're hard things for any parent to hear - he just sighs and says "Yeah, I know I need to work with them on that." Then nothing happens. He doesn't correct them very often and lets them get away with SO much more than I would ever allow out of my own kids.

I think part of the problem is that DH and I have different expectations of our kids. We have different tolerance levels. I expect my kids to be respectful, use their manners, and be at least somewhat tidy. DH doesn't do that with his kids. I've literally never had to be around kids like his, and it was a major shock to me to see how rude, slovenly, and needy they were. It's inappropriate for them to act that way at their age, in my opinion, but to DH, their behavior and total lack of manners is just fine. "They're just kids," he says, and to him, that absolves them from any responsibility with respect to the way they act and the way they talk.

My previous stepkids got on my nerves sometimes, but never to this extent. I never disengaged from them. Yeah, I might have taken a little break occasionally just to get away, but no more than I sometimes want to do with my own kids. My previous stepkids had good manners, were taught to respect their elders, and were really good about doing chores and cleaning up after themselves. These skids are the complete opposite. God, they're a nightmare. I've never had to deal with this before, and a lot of the things they are allowed to do and say are just too much for me. I can't handle it, so I disengaged to at least TRY to save my marriage.

I've tried so hard to explain these things to DH, and he's just not hearing it. He takes it personally every time, then tries to make me out to be the bad guy.

We really need to see a therapist about this. He's not hearing what I'm trying to say, and I'm apparently not able to say these things in an effective way so we can maybe, just maybe find some common ground.

tabby yabba do's picture

You're right then. Smile You've told him. He knows. He just wants you to STFU. That isn't gas-lighting. That's a problem only he can solve (by pulling his head out of his ass).

I wonder if your DH would benefit if you calmly admitted: "No. I don't like your kid. I never will. I'm sorry," with no further explanation. Or if that would land you in divorce court.

ncgal1980's picture

It really bothers me that he can explain away all their crappy behavior by just saying "They're just kids. They can't help the way they act."

I've asked him, how long is that excuse going to work? Do you seriously think you can wait until they're teenagers to put your foot down and actually enforce some rules and expect something out of them? He just shrugs his shoulders and admits he doesn't know how that would work out.

Just last night, he told his kids to get ready for bed. They all three sat there and continued to play their video game. My BS9 was in there with them. I said "BS9, time for bed." BS9, without saying a word, put the controller down and went upstairs to get ready for bed.

I gave DH a look. DH said again, "Time for bed, boys. Okay?"

AGAIN, all three ignored him. I know they heard him. DH knew it, too.

DH then yelled at them to go get ready for bed. Two of them turned around and yelled back, "IN A MINUTE! GOD!" The third one added, "We're right in the middle of a game, Daddy! Come back later! We're not done yet!"

I didn't say a word. I just walked off. He let them continue to play for another 30 minutes after that!

He's in for a hell of a time with these boys in the future, and he's NOT going to be prepared for it.

tabby yabba do's picture

I kept forgetting to address the "They're just kids" or "They're just __ age!" because I hear those ones too. Maddening!! I always say "You think this is cute at 3? What about 13?" because bad habits and poor behavior don't go away, they just get refined and more rotten.

Your skids have appalling behavior. Your DH is failing as a parent. Dirol

ncgal1980's picture

See?! That's what I say to my kids when they're expected to do something, then start whining about being too tired to do it. The threat of having to go to bed earlier always straightens them right up.

DH can't do that with his kids. It takes him FOREVER to get them in bed every night. Last night he spent over two hours "asking" them to go to bed. Shit, DH. Stop ASKING and start TELLING. I can get both of my kids ready and in the bed in less than 20 minutes because I don't entertain bullshit excuses or pleas to stay up later. DH can't do that. His kids have him wrapped around their little fingers, and they know it. It was almost 11:00 last night before they went to sleep.

Blows my damn MIND!

wth was I thinking's picture

Going shopping with my skids (or just about any kid for that matter) is like the worst kind of hell for me. I won't do it anymore, I made that very clear a long time ago. I made the mistake a couple times of trying to be nice any buy something for them while I'm out (alone). It is always met with whining and tears by the oldest one because it's too big/small/pink/not pink enough/not exactly perfect/wtf ever so I don't do it anymore.

ncgal1980's picture

The one time I took one of my skids grocery shopping (as I mentioned above), I tried so hard to make it clear what I do when I shop: I ONLY get what's on my list. That's just the way I do it. My kids are used to that and know it's pointless to ask for other stuff. Ncgal just won't get it, so don't ask.

I try to understand that my skids aren't familiar with this concept. DH (and BM, too, I'm sure) give in and, more often than not, will buy them whatever they're asking for as long as the skid bitches and moans about it long enough. DH will initially say no, but the skids know that if they just keep asking, eventually DH will give in and get it for them just to shut them up.

It's what they're used to. I understand that. I agreed to take a skid with me grocery shopping that one time to maybe TRY to see if I could tolerate them shopping with me. Turns out I can't. It instantly pisses me off for a kid to pester me while I'm trying to shop. I just want to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible, and I do NOT browse. I'm in and out. My kids get that because they've been shopping with me their entire lives. My skids don't get it.

And I stand by what I said to DH: If he can't get them to understand that begging and pestering and whining at ncgal will either get you sent out to the car to sit by yourself while she finishes shopping, or she'll just declare that they'll never get to go shopping with her again, or at least until they lose the attitude and actually go along to HELP her.

ncgal1980's picture

I do end up doing more around the house when the skids are there, and I think DH notices some of it, but not all. I still have to do everything I do when they're not there, and then there's more work added on to it when the skids are there - more laundry, more dishes, more trash to take out, etc. I try to keep these things up so DH will have more time with his kids. I've tried to tell him this, but he's not hearing me.

He does spend time with his kids on weeknights and weekends when they're with us, and he'd have a lot less time if I didn't try to keep everything done. He does most of the cooking when they're with us because I got tired of listening to the skids complain that they never like anything I cook, but then I do all the dishes and cleaning up after every meal, and it's very time-consuming. More often than not, DH is in the den with his kids doing this or that while I'm still working in the kitchen to clean up from dinner and put all the leftovers away.

He ought to be thanking me for taking care of these things so HE can have time with his kids, not bitching that *I* don't spend enough time with them! Sometimes I feel like all I get out of him when the skids are there is grief and guilt trips.

I agree with what you say about shopping. My kids are well-behaved, and I'd still prefer to go grocery shopping without them! Having them along, as good as they are, still slows me down considerably.

askYOURdad's picture

I don't like your skids and I don't even know them!

Well actually, I don't like their Disney enabling parents, I actually feel pretty bad for them because they can't magically know to be any other way then the way they have been brought up!

ncgal1980's picture

True, they can't help the way they were raised, but I realize now that I don't have the patience to try to teach them anything else. They see me as the wicked stepmother, and I know they resent the fact that I'm not as loosey-goosey as their parents are.

askYOURdad's picture

There is nothing you can do without your DH's support, and even that, battling the BM as a team would still be difficult.

Your only option is disengaging (which I know you have done) because anything else is an uphill battle that cannot be won. Unfortunately, when your kids grow up and are successful and well rounded individuals that give you many reasons to be proud, your DH will finally get it and it will be too late.

ncgal1980's picture

He's said to me several times, "I was just really hoping you'd become, like, a second mom to my boys."

Keep in mind, this was NEVER mentioned before we got married. I had no idea that this was his expectation until after the fact.

This "second mom" statement really bugs me. DH took it hard, but I had to say what I felt: "Your kids HAVE a mom, and it's not me. I barely have time to be a first mom to my own kids, and I don't have the time, energy, or patience to be anybody's second mom."

Why do so many dads think that their new wives are so anxious to become their kids' "mommy"? Then why are they so disappointed when that ultimately doesn't happen?

I never went into this marriage expecting my DH to be my kids' second father. Hell, their own father isn't a father to them and I STILL didn't expect DH to fill that role.

I guess being a single mom for five years before DH and I got married has something to do with that. I got used to being a mom and a dad to my boys, and I don't see a need to have some other person take over that role.

I wish we could be one big, happy family, but with my skids, I'm just not feeling all that maternal. All I know is that I'm so happy when they finally leave at the end of the week! It's awful, I know, but it's the truth.

ncgal1980's picture

The "It takes a village" mentality is pure crap in my opinion, too. Two people were involved in making the child, and those two people need to step the hell up and make sure the child turns out halfway decent. The whole village is not responsible for raising a child.

If it truly "takes a village" to raise your child right, then you're seriously fucking up as a parent.

I made a mistake with DH. Bad timing. We met shortly after he and his ex separated, so he basically jumped right from one relationship into another, and I think this helped strengthen his assumption that he could just replace one mommy with another in his home. After marrying me, he just figured I'd jump right in and take over where BM left off. This wasn't discussed, and I had no idea that that's what he expected out of me before we got married.

He expected me to get them ready for school in the mornings, spend tons of "quality time" with them, and just love their ungrateful asses to pieces, and it really shocked him when that didn't happen.

His kids just aren't lovable. There, I said it. They're little monsters that are destined to grow up to be big monsters.

I think DH and BM love them because they're obligated to. Their grandparents love them, again, because they're sort of obligated to love them. (Though DH's parents have both made comments to me out of DH's earshot that they do NOT approve of the way the skids are being raise. They feel they're being spoiled, too. So at least I know I'm not alone here. The difference is, I have to live with them every other week.)

tabby yabba do's picture

His kids just aren't lovable. There, I said it. They're little monsters that are destined to grow up to be big monsters.

GOOD!! FOR !!! YOU!!! Smile

The first step to recovery: We admit we were powerless over alcohol, I mean SKIDS, that our lives have become unmanageable.

ncgal1980's picture

I try to look at this situation objectively. If someone else had to live here instead of me, and put up with the stuff the skids do, would they react in a similar way? I truly think they would, so I don't think my reactions to the things they do and say are unreasonable.

If DH would just grow a pair and actually discipline them occasionally, it'd probably help, but if he's not willing to do it - and I CAN'T do it (I'm evil enough as it is) - then it's just going to get worse.

I think we need a 12-step program. Call it "Stepmonsters Anonymous"!

farting_glitter's picture

^^^^this!!!!!!! DH has come back to me and said the EXACT same shit that supposedly PB said...... :sick:

I smell bullshit.....

ncgal1980's picture

Isn't it amazing, the number of things about the skids that we're expected to be concerned about? Oh, the baby feels ignored. Oh, the baby doesn't like our cereal now because I wouldn't buy his dumb ass something at the store. Oh, I didn't say "Good morning" to the snowflake this morning. Oh oh oh! What an ass I am! What was I thinking?!

I wish DH worried that much about how his skids affect ME every damn day. Ain't gonna happen, I'm afraid. More and more, I'm seeing that his kids' poor wittle feelings matter way more than I ever will.

ncgal1980's picture

He always throws it up in my face that one of his kids said to him that I'm "ignoring" them. Well, excuuuuuse me! I wasn't aware that I was put on this earth to make sure the snowflakes never feel like someone's attention isn't 100% devoted to them all the damn time!

My kids wouldn't ever think to say anything like that, as you said about your own kids. They weren't raised to think everything is about them. My skids were raised to think about how the world revolves around them, so if there's an adult in their life who's not bowing at their feet, they see this as a huge problem that needs to be addressed, and by golly, when they say jump, DH JUMPS!

I'm pretty sure DH likes my younger son, but it's easy to see that he merely tolerates my older son. I haven't said anything about it because I totally understand his feelings. SS9 was okay by me, up until last night. Now he's jumping on the "ncgal doesn't pay enough attention to me" bandwagon, so screw him, too.

I'm about fed up with the whole lot - the 3 skids AND DH - over this.

ncgal1980's picture

Shoot, he'd just parrot back the same lines he gives me whenever I try to discuss these things with him.

"They're just kids."

"They can't help the way they act/think/talk/behave."

"You need to be more patient with them."

"You need to have some compassion."

"They don't know how to act and it's not something they can help."

The excuses never end. He's going to be one of those parents on the witness stand at their kid's criminal trial bleating over and over again, "But he's such a GOOOD BOY!"

Uh, yeah. Sure he is. Good and SPOILED.

ncgal1980's picture

DH talks often about how sorry he feels for his kids being "children of divorce." I think he uses this as another tactic to explain away their horrible behavior. "Well...they can't help it because they're children of divorce."

The skids get lots of attention and gifts and stuff that they probably wouldn't get otherwise, and it's fostering in them a profound sense of entitlement that's NOT going to serve them well in the real world.

I don't think their professors, boss, or coworkers are going to be overly concerned about "hurting the skids' feelings." Boy are they in for a shock!

noway70's picture

I really don't get the whole "children of divorce" crap. They are not chirdren of divorce. They are their parents' children. Period. Unfortunately, or fortunately in some cases, their parents are no longer together. So what? They are still supposed to parent and teach their kids how to live in society.
Why do people think the nuclear family model is the only one, and whoever doesn't have that is missing something? There are so many cultures, with so many different types of family.
Of course when a divorce happens it's a big change in kids' lives, but you can't use the COD card or carry the "my children are COD" guilt forever. Geeez!

OK, now I'll get off my soapbox.
It's just that this is a sore subject for me.

derb84123's picture

This would make me crazy!!! THEN WHY CAN'T HE, THEIR PARENT, TEACH THEM?! Isn't that the job of a parent? If a child "cant ehlp they way they behave" then you teach them the proper way!

OMG, OP, I am so crazy mad for you right now. Beee

ncgal1980's picture

I just don't know how much longer DH thinks he can use that as an excuse. I can see trying to use it for certain behaviors if they were, say, a very young toddler, but his kids are 9 (almost 10), 8 and 7!

I understand that it's basically a free-for-all at BM's house, and they can do and say whatever they want, whenever they want. DH can't do much to change that if BM doesn't see a need to change the way things are at her house. However, that doesn't make it okay for DH to allow it to go on in OUR house.

I've tried to get him to understand that if he doesn't teach these kids how to be normal, productive members of society, nobody's going to, and they're going to be unfit to live in the outside world as adults.

Nobody's going to be willing to excuse their behavior by saying, "Oh, he's only 30. He can't help the way he acts."

So when does it end? With DH, apparently the answer is "never"!

Gabriels Mom's picture

I don't even like taking my own child shopping. UGH! I don't even take DH. I go and get what's on the list and I do not spend more than the amount I set before walking through the door. If DH and/or the kids go I end up either spending more or being pissed off because they won't stop asking for stuff. If I say no, the answer is no. No amount of begging and pleading is going to make me get it for you.

ncgal1980's picture

"If I say no, the answer is no. No amount of begging and pleading is going to make me get it for you."

AMEN! There is NO gray area with me. You are NOT going to find a loophole. My kids could teach a class on how NO means NO when dealing with me.

And if you're going shopping with me, then by God you'd better hustle that ass and keep up because I do NOT stop to browse, and I do NOT have time for any whiny "buy me this buy me that" bullshit. Then to complain to dear Daddy about how I wouldn't buy you anything at the grocery store so now you can't eat any of the cereal in our house because of it?! Puh-lease. Get your whiny ass out of my sight.

The amount of crap DH puts up with out of these kids blows my mind on a daily basis. Why he even agrees to stand there and engage in these insane conversations with his kids is beyond me. If either of my kids came to me and said that, I'd just laugh, say "Ha ha! Whatever!" and walk away.

ncgal1980's picture

I'm so sorry! We really need to do that. It's been so crazy lately. How are things with you?

Turns out I don't love my stepchildren and this is a huge problem. Are you sure you want to have lunch with such a bitch?! }:)

usedup1's picture

You tell him..

#1. It is NOT his place to tell me what I am or am not feeling...

#2. Grow up, and be a MAN.. it is not your place to judge how much estrogen I have running thru my body!!..

#3. If you ever disrespect my womanhood with comnents like that again, then be prepared for what I have to say about your manhood!

#4. You need to see what part YOUR playing in this?
I am not an object or replacement for you to use and abuse, because I am NOT their mother!

#5. I am a mother to MY kids.. and if you cant handle it and compliment me on how I love MY children, then you dont kbow what LOVE is..

#6. The only feeling I see coming out of you is GUILT.!

And you can start by being a healthy parent to your kids, ibstead of a guilty parent to your kids!!


ncgal1980's picture

I'll tell you what I'm doing, sueu2: I'm handling this the way I and a lot of other people (especially women) handle things. I already have a pretty good idea how I'm going to handle it, but talking about it helps me sort out the details and finalize what I already know my plan of action will be. I didn't come on here to spill my problems out so everybody else can "fix" them. I'll handle them on my own. But it does help to just be able to TALK about them first.

And I AM handling it, the best way I know how. I'm disengaged, and now I'm dealing with the fallout of that disengagement. It is what it is. DH isn't happy about it, but in my situation, disengagement was the only option I had short of divorce, which I'd like to avoid if possible. In the end, my marriage may fall apart anyway, but at least I can say I tried.

I guess a million other people have posted the same tired, worn-out problem a million times on here, but you know what? I haven't read all that. I haven't been on here very long and haven't reviewed all the old posts, so I apologize if I'm being redundant.

I'm assessing the problem in my house and am going to deal with it somehow, with or without this site and people's comments. They DO help, though, because I don't have anyone in my life who really understands what this situation is like for me. I have no friends who are step-parents, and my DH can't see things from my point of view and has chosen to take so much of this personally, so I can't even talk to him. I don't have the money or time to go to a therapist (though I'm seeing more and more every day that I'm going to have to MAKE time and find the money to go, just to have someone uninvolved in the situation to talk to), so yeah, this site has been very helpful.

I've learned a lot from the insights of other people in similar situations, and it's helped me see my own situation more clearly.

So again, I apologize if I'm just rehashing everybody else's tired old problems, but it DOES help me to do so. I didn't mean to waste your time with my blathering, and if I did, I'm sorry.

I've unknowingly walked into a minefield with my husband and his kids, and it's scary and lonely and infuriating and depressing, all at the same time. Forgive me for trying to nagivate this situation with my life and sanity intact.

wth was I thinking's picture

"I don't know... I like reading a lot of the problems on here Smiling. Even if it is the same story with different skids! Lol"

Me too! It helps to know that there are others out there dealing with the same (or similar) BS that I am. Before I found this site, everything I had ever read was about how stepkids are an amazing gift from heaven and precious and if I find them difficult, its MY problem, because, of course, I knew he had kids when I married him! It's nice to be able to vent, be HUMAN, and have others around that can say 'me too!'. I don't have any friends that are stepmoms, so they just don't get it. Sometimes just venting can help put a problem in perspective, calm you down, or get past it. But not if you are constantly being judged as a result.

ncgal1980's picture

I speak up more now, too, because of this site. It's helped me put into words things I couldn't articulate before when talking to DH about our problems, and I'm truly thankful for that.

One thing I saw for the first time is that I'm expected to be the model stepmother, yet DH seems to think he gets a pass when it comes to being a step-parent himself. He's expecting things out of me that he himself doesn't seem to feel obligated to do. He almost never speaks to my kids. He's not avoiding them; he just doesn't seem to feel a need to do so unless it's to bitch at them for something they did that he didn't like.

I pointed that out to him last night. He didn't like it, but he knows I'm right. He can literally go for DAYS without speaking to either of my kids, but I'm still expected to be his kids' best buddy and devote all this time and attention to them. It's flat-out unfair, and I told him I'm tired of the damn double standard.

Again, I'm thankful that I found this site. Maybe I sound like a broken record, repeating what everybody else has said over and over again, but it's really been a great help to me to do so!

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

I could be reading my own blog. SD17 says a few months ago…"NTBB loves her kids more than she loves me." and OH gets moody. DUH! OF COURSE I love my bios more than her. Heck, I only love her in the way one might love a distant cousin. I definitely do not like her.There are many reasons for that…most are the laws of nature, but many are because OH set different standards for skid. Lower expectations, less discipline, all abysmal behavior excused because, "It's her mother's fault!" My bios have NEVER launched a team assault against OH and my relationship. My bios don't throw public tantrums. My bios don't give me dirty looks and tell lies about me behind my back (loved the time he caught her cause he was around the corner when she and I had a conversation, so he heard every word-score!). Besides, Mother Nature made it so that I would give my bios all I had because let's face it, even bio children can suck the ever-loving' life out of you at times.

It's never enough for skids! ncgal, it is the same for me…bio dad deceased, my family gone and skid has BM, biodad, stepdad (who does everything for her), grandma, grandpa, etc., etc., etc. I am so sick of skids and their greediness in wanting 2 or more of EVERYTHING and NEVER being satisfied. All she wanted when she made that comment was a dirty attempt to poison his mind against me…she learned from the best…her psycho BM. If she were a kid one of my bios brought home from school, I would be like, "Find a new friend."

ncgal1980's picture

I just wish I could get DH to see how little my own kids have, support-wise. No family close by, their dad's not around, and I'm all they have.

I have very little time on weeknights to spend with them, and most of my weekends are filled with chores and things I can't get done during the week. The LAST thing I feel obligated to do with the precious, small amount of free time I have is spend it on some ungrateful brats for whom enough is never enough.

I could lavish attention on them 24/7, and I guarantee you SS9 would STILL whine that I don't pay enough attention to him.

It's so strange. I never saw a black hole in human form before I met these skids. Throw in all you want to. You're NEVER going to fill it up.

SomedaySoon's picture

I know I'm a little late to the party and I might be repeating what others have said (couldn't read all the comments), but OH MY GOSH, how I can relate!!

My 6 1/2 YO SS's BM killed herself when he was two months old, so of course EVERYONE feels so sorry for him and basically excuses every bit of his horrible behavior, spoiling him to death. My husband has admitted to me that he still feels guilty that he "doesn't have a mom." Ummmm...if he doesn't have a mom, why the hell have I given up the past 2 1/2 years of my life and sacrificed everything for this spawn of Satan who lives in my house?? Pretty sure I'M the mom now. Lucky me.

Apparently I'm supposed to love him as my own and have my life revolve around this child while my husband isn't expected to spend ANY time with MY (wonderful, by the way) girls because "they're teenagers and don't want a father around anyway." Noooo, why would teenage girls who have never had a father want you to be a father figure to them? That's just silly. Beee

I've given up so much - including my sanity - to try to undo the damage others have done to my SS and try to turn him into a decent human being. Yet my husband can't even spend five minutes talking with my girls because he's too obsessed with his own demon spawn. (If you're getting that I don't like my SS, you are very observant.)

OP - I'm learning that the only thing you can do to preserve your sanity or at least get a little back is disengage from the horrid skids. Walk away from your husband when he complains. Take care of the skids, of course, but that's it. You'll never be enough in your husband's eyes because his kids poop gold nuggets. And enjoy the time you have with your bio kids. It's a completely unblended blended family, but sometimes that's the only way to survive.

ncgal1980's picture

Oh yikes! I can't even imagine how awful that must be!

Let me say first off that I do feel bad for your SS. I really do. However, sometimes the kid's family goes too far in their delicate treatment of a child in his situation.

I dated a guy in high school whose mom died in a car wreck when he was five. This guy...UGH. He was SOOO spoiled by his dad and grandparents, to the point that he was a complete brat! (Unfortunately I wasted two years of my young life dating him before I figured that out.) They bent over backwards for him at every turn, indulged his every whim, bought him every toy and thing he wanted, etc.

If he ever had a fit, they'd excuse it with, "Well, you know, with his mom dying when he was so just have to overlook his behavior sometimes."

He was a COMPLETE a-hole. VERY hard to deal with when he didn't get his way, and it ultimately led to our breakup. He had no regard for anyone other than himself, and if you ever tried to point out his selfish, jerky ways, he'd pipe up with "My MOM DIED! I can't help it!"

Hey, you can't blame him for saying that, in a way. It's all he'd heard since he was five. Anything bad he did or said wasn't his fault because his mom died when he was little.

It's so sad, because he went on to have a crappy life - dropped out of high school, in and out of jail for petty crimes, lost his license for DUI's, etc.

I guess I thought, at my young and stupid age, that I could change him. No, you can't. And you can't change your SS, either. Too much damage has been done by SS's family and father, and it's beyond your repair. Anything you try to do to help him will be met with righteous indignation from your DH and his family. "How can you be so cruel to SS?! Don't you know he can't help the way he acts? How DARE you!"

All you can do is check out. Disengage. That's what I've done with my skids, even before I found this forum and even knew what disengagement was.

My DH doesn't understand, but I can't help that. Our marriage may not survive, but at least I can say I tried to save it!

nkrem's picture

My DH sleeps till 12 pm on Saturday and Sundays and then bitches he never gets to see them. The SS12 called yesterday because he was pissed at his Mom so what do you know DH saves the day and goes and gets him at 7:50pm they get home at 8:15 and DH is in the bed at 9:30 leaving me up with him. I'm about to go nuts.
I asked DH what happened between BM and SS12 and he said he didn't ask.. the little brat probably said a smart ass comment and BM took his phone away , so he calls Daddy.
I told DH today that its funny they call when they are pissed at their mom but never call to stay because they miss him, He doesn't get it.

ncgal1980's picture

I'd have to totally disengage from that situation. That's pretty crappy. He's using you for a free babysitter! And why the hell does he sleep so late?

I'm disengaged from my skids, and my DH learned pretty quickly after we got married that NO, he could NOT sleep as late he wanted to on the weekends or even weekdays when they were with us, because NO, I would NOT be taking care of their every need until he felt like getting up.

I don't do anything for them. If they're hungry in the morning, I tell them to go inform their dad. If they don't have clean clothes, I tell them to let their dad know. It's NOT my problem. I have two kids of my own that I have to take care of, and I'm not about to take on DH's responsibilities when he feels like sleeping in.

Your DH is obviously missing the connection between "I'm mad at my mom and want to hurt her somehow" and calling your DH up. If SS12 doesn't call at any other time, he's just using your DH. I don't know why our husbands can't see that. My skids do the same thing with my DH. He's just so tickled that they called, he doesn't care why they're calling. It's pathetic.

ncgal1980's picture

My response would have to be: "Then SPEND TIME with them, dammit! Don't just bring them home and go to bed! WTH?!"

It's funny because sometimes DH complains that he doesn't get to see his kids enough, then when they are here, he doesn't interact with them much more than I do, and I hardly interact with them at all!

They want to spend all their time playing video games, and he doesn't seem to have much of a problem with that. It's weird. I guess as long as they're in our house, that counts as "spending time with the kids." I don't get it.