Years of frustration have undermined my marriage.
After my husband divorced in 2001 (many years before I met him)his ex-wife moved with their kids across country, so for all those years he paid support and also lost meaningful access as a parent, and had to pay thousands extra per year in airplane tickets. His fault for not taking her to court, but still.. unfair. Horrible.
The mom has never treated him as anything but dirt. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism, underlying guilt for taking the kids that make her behave without empathy... but at every juncture, she is a bitch to him and always waving her "power" as custodial parent and all the money she could demand from him, but out of kindness isn't, etc. Their communication is so dysfunctional, it sickens me. Reading one of her emails is like getting kicked in the teeth.
Over the past few years, we have suffered horrible financial insecurities, my husband's pay has been cut, insurance costs have doubled, I have worried incessantly about not being able to pay the mortgage... I emptied my own kids' college funds to pay off all DH's debts so we could keep the house, my parents had to bail us out several times (humiliating to me), and through it all, his exwife has treated him like a deadbeat although he never missed a support payment, at every juncture treating him like dirt and never consulting him about the kids. The man is almost 58 years old and has nothing but debt.
I meant to save this and not
I meant to save this and not post it, because I was rambling. Oh well.
My basic question is: what to do when you realize you have failed to protect your own kids' financial future?
My post was not clear. I am
My post was not clear. I am actually the primary breadwinner in my home.
I work at a good private
I work at a good private college my kids can attend for free. (My steps could also attend for free, but their mom was offended when I offered this as an option.)
I "fixed" our financial problems by negotiating a big raise for myself and refinancing the house. But moving forward, I want to make sure any financial benefit that comes from the house goes to my children, and not my stepkids. Since my household has been treated so disrespectfully.
(One of my stepkids lives with us actually... and my husband continues to pay support)
I am going to sign deed over
I am going to sign deed over to me and will the house to my kids, with a forced-sale clause in the event of my death-- proceeds split between my kids.
Since my Dh is the father of one of my kids (but not that other) he would be the guardian of that kid anyway... anyway I have already engaged a lawyer to help me draft.
He is too old to get an
He is too old to get an insurance policy, actually.
What I am asking is that he agree to a legal separation, and sign over his share of the house to me in a quit-claim deed. It is not about protecting myself. It's about protecting my kids.
I agree that my DH is to
I agree that my DH is to blame for a) not sticking up for his own rights, and putting me in an untenable situation, then not "fixing" it(or eve trying to) when he saw how much it troubled me and b) not busting his ass to earn more when it was clear we weren't solvent.
I earn a good living now, and can pay for the house on my own.
I can't sell, because my parents also gave us some money for the downpayment (sigh) and we really can't sell and get enough to pay back the mortgage and also them. Maybe now, with the improving housing market, we could... I just got a great low-rate mortgage, so I prefer to stay. Couldn't afford to rent better.
My plan is to legally separate, exchange equity in the house for child support (which I don't want and he can't afford) and have him sign over his interest in the house.
If the bio-mom had treated us with a modicum of decency... if he had stepped up... none of this would be necessary.