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Worried about SD mental health

LozzaLou's picture

Guys, I am at a total loss here..

My SD struggles with her living situation, she really notices and feels what she is missing out on by not being at our home with us very much (usually one weekend a month, and a week or two in school holidays) but we haven't had her since March (state borders have been closed due to COVID-19) 

We have always struggled with her behaviour when she is here, she has daddy issues and doesn't like having other siblings. She is nasty and manipulative towards the other children, plays my husband and I off against each other. This has now gone from just during her visits, to when she is at home too. Causing issues over the phone and social media. The household ends up in tears. 

She has been calling us over video chat and yelling at us for not being available to her. Sending nasty texts to us saying how we let her down and are never there for her. She tells us she is miserable because she can't see us enough and how unfair her life is. She has said her friends don't want to be her friends anymore because they are sick of hearing about how sad and miserable she is all the time. 
She honesty seems emotionally unstable, I believe she needs to see a professional, because her friends are right, it's an all the time thing. And I know that her feelings are valid, but she is so self obsorbed that she can never see what is going on with other people, never considers how her actions and behaviours effect those around her. 
The issue my husband and I have, is that her mother refuses to see all of this. Her mother tells me it is just her hormones and puberty, she over thinks things blah blah. But it isn't, this child needs help, and mother refuses to see it. 
The poor kid has a speech delay and intellectual issues that the mother also doesn't address. 

Do I go in to bat for this kid, and try and get her some help? Or do I step back and say it's not my problem? My fear is it will either get to a point where we cut contact with my stepdaughter because none of us can do it anymore (that probably sounds dramatic, with the little information I've provided, but it's a novel to explain all that has happened over the years) or her mental health will continue to deteriorate and she will end up hurting herself. 

Dogmom1321's picture

SD10 also has a lot of issues. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and severe social anxiety. Honestly, in the last couple of years, I think she also has signs of depression. She is highly emotional, manipulative, and just overall concerning. (Body issues, low self esteem, etc.)

However, as Steps we can't care more than their Bios. BM says SD is fine, she is just a "product of divorce." BM blames any issues SD has on the school system, or DH and I. She lives in denial and thinks SD is "normal" because she is just like her mother. She struggles SO much in school, barely passing and BM says "school just isn't her thing. Wasn't mine either." 

I have urged DH to follow up with pediatrician. I have told him the benefits of counseling and possible medication. He attempted counseling with SD. BM would cancel appointments, not pay the bills, and would get dropped from the counselor's office. This has happened with two DIFFERENT doctors. 

I say take a step back. You are not responsible for his failure of choosing a terrible partner. 

IamBackUW's picture

You need to disengage. The evil SD isn't your responsibility or problem. Block her on your phone/social medias etc.

You can't care more than the bioparents.

LozzaLou's picture

I would not say SD is evil, just very troubled and unsupported. She has not has a good start in life; kept from her father, multiple abusive Stepfathers, very self serving mother. 
But you are absolutely correct, I can't care more than bios, and I think disengaging from her behaviour is the way to go for now. Thank you ☺️ 

LozzaLou's picture

OH & SD have a very strained & disconnected relationship. He has spoken to SD about going to a professional, but BM blocks it. Her mother denies all of SD's issues and downplays the situation. In her eyes SD's behaviour is all my husbands and my fault, for going on and having other children. My OH and BM do not have a good rapport, BM is a bully with money, OH thinks if he rocks the boat too much he will be cut out of SD's life. 

simifan's picture

I would give my recommendation to my DH but ultimately it's up to her parents to take care of this. 

1dad4kids's picture

I feel for your SD, and you guys. You can do video counselling now. I'd have DH set up an appointment and have SD talk to the counselor on your next FaceTime call. 

What's the worst that could happen?

Rags's picture

Going to bat for this Skid does not have to include exposing yourself or  your family to her bullshit.   Time to point out that she is doing to the family what she had done to her friends and it is her behavior that is making her so miserable and costing her friends and loved ones.  Suggest that dad get her a therapist and facilitate her getting help.  He and you need to be absolutely clear with her that until she gets help and fixes her toxic bullshit behavior that she will not have fact to face contact with the family, telephone calls where she pulls her shit will be immediately ended, and texts or emails that spout her crap will not be read.

I would not tolerate her behavioral crap or her BM's crap to have toxic impact on your marriage, your kids, of your home.

No family should sacrifice itself for the toxic crap of only one family member and for damned sure should not sacrifice itself over the toxic crap dished out by an X.

IMHO of course.