Wits end...need some help! Please!
Hey guys. So I'm new here and could use some expert advice. My SO and I have been together for two years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10 and I have a son who is 3. I was prewarned by a few people before we started dating that SD10 was a bit of a handful. I am now starting to believe that was an understatement. In the beginning it started with he flipping out because we were holding hands, she saw him kiss me, hug me, he sat next to me, etc. you get the picture. There was actually one night we woke up and she was standing over us at the end of the bed staring at us. Eventually some of this faded a bit. Then I started feeling like I was competing for his attention. Last year I was in school, and my classes were mostly in the evening, so I'd miss out on a lot. When she would see me when I got out of school shed make comments like; "daddy and I went out to dinner, bowling AND shopping!! It was so much fun. And you couldn't go because YOU weren't home!!" As ridiculous as it sounds I felt like she was rubbing it in my face. Then there was the shoes this past summer. We went to the shoe store to get her and my son crocs, which would have run about 25 dollars a piece for each of the kids. These were the shoes we discussed both of them getting. Well she decided that she wanted 45 dollar sandals instead. Mind you there were not water shoes but nice leather sandals. She went up to her dad and got approval to get these shoes, even though I was the one buying them. I told her they were not to be worn in the water as they were nice leather sandals. Not like crocs. So we went to the beach later on in the day and what is the first thing she does? Wears them straight into the ocean and gives me a nasty look and rolls her eyes when I tried to correct her. Later on this same day she told my and my SO that it would have been so much easier if HER parents stayed married. My SO explained to her that was not going to happen and that it was better for her that things stay the way they are. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel stuck. I love my other half more than anything. Our relationship is perfect. But I dread when she comes over. She's nasty, rude, has no manners, and thinks everyone owes her the world. She purposely antagonizes my son and tries to get him in trouble for things she has told him to do. She has no respect for anyone and when I bring it up to my SO he says he can't do much right now Bc of the impending divorce. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like an awful person for disliking her the way I do but I don't know how to change that. He tells me I have to spend more time with her but one of the last times I did. She complained to him that I didn't spend enough money on her. I feel used.
Your SO should NOT be
Your SO should NOT be allowing his daughter to be nasty, rude and mannerless towards you and your son. He is not being a good enough parent by allowing this - and I would not hesitate to tell him and insist that he parents more firmly.
I am not sure from what you say whether she is with you full time - non custodial dads are often too lax with their kids in the mistaken belief this is somehow making up for the fact that they are not there 24/7 - wrong!! As we all know, kids need and want firm boundaries. Get your SO some Super Nanny books on parenting and talk about appropriate rules and standards of behaviour that you both enforce while SD is with you.
This is even more important if, in fact, you have full custody of this girl. If you don't start working on her behaviour now, she is going to grow up unlikeable, with no friends, and probably no job - is her father going to like that?
She is with us half time and
She is with us half time and with her mom half time. Omg. What you said about her growing up unlike able and with no friends... I just said that to my SO the other day!! She has no manners. She eats with her hands and not silverware. Getting her to take a shower is a fight. And she makes comments that are way about her age group. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep telling myself to ignore her behavior and let him deal with it. But there are just times I can't ignore it.
Then he won't be able to do
Then he won't be able to do much after the divorce because she might not want to see him, and you will have to understand that she is upset, a child of divorce, after all you are the adult.
If his daughter has been raised this way, and your SO thinks that his impending divorce is an acceptable excuse for her behaviour, well, she's not your problem. He is. Welcome to the treadmill. You have more problems than you realise. Nothing excuses bad behaviour. Well, except her father.
The longer this continues, the more ingrained it becomes, the more impossible it is to stop it, and the worse it becomes.
Your SO is making excuses for being a lazy parent, a Disney dad. See it and see it now. If he will not recognise her treatment of you and your son is a problem today, seriously, do you honestly believe he will tomorrow. His daughter is and always has been a handful because she has been allowed to be by daddy. It's not changing after the divorce. Watch it will get even worse.
He's already making this your fault, your fault, your problem. When you complained he didn't say, let me talk to her, no, he said YOU need to spend more time with her. If you want advice, next time he says YOU anything, you tell him, NO, SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER, IT IS UP TO YOU TO TEACH HER MANNERS AND RESPECT. YOU FIX IT. If you don't pick up on this subtle blaming you business and put an end to it now, God help you.
I guess I've been hoping
I guess I've been hoping it'll get better. But it isn't. Like you said. It's only getting worse. It sucks. SO and I have a perfect relationship and as awful as it sounds, if it doesn't work...there's one main reason. I just don't know if this is too far gone or is there's hope of saving this relationship.
I've been where you are. I
I've been where you are. I dated a man with a 7 year old son and I understand why you hesitated to say anything to SD about the shoes. You didn't feel right speaking up, afraid of being labeled the "mean stepmother". However, your SO should not let his daughter behave the way she does.
Sorry to say it's not going to get better. She's 10 years old and is already set in her ways. If SO has parented her this way for ten years it's going to be hard to change things, for both of them. Father has to change the way he parents, and for that to happen he's going to have admit his parenting style is wrong. And even if he can admit that his parenting is wrong, for him to change his parenting style will be hard for him.
Bad parenting is like a bad habit, it's takes real effort to stop the habit even when the person wants to stop.
Yes your right amber. She
Yes your right amber. She was afraid of speaking up. We've all been there. In your case the child was 7. In her case 10, in my case 20, 23 and 28.
Mandi, your relationship is far from perfect. Would you allow your son to behave towards your partner this way. If your partner was buying the crocs and you son wanted leather sandals, would you have allowed it without at least offering to pay the difference, if your son then wore them into the water, would you not have removed those sandals.
You are not being yourself in this relationship, that's not a perfect relationship. You resent his child because HE REFUSES to teach her right from wrong. It's not her job to be born knowing how to behave,it is up to her parents to teach her. If her mother is an idiot, a drug addict, the useless lazy mother from hell, then that responsibility falls solely to her father. He doesn't get to shrug his shoulders and say BM doesn't so I can't. That is just pure laziness. Makes no difference what BM does or says in her house, when he has her, he needs to be her dad, not her friend.
You are walking on egg shells, that is not a perfect relationship.
You are making excuses for him, and blaming a child to make him look better in your eyes, next you will be blaming her mother too. That s not a perfect relationship. You are afraid to see him for who he is. You are desperately trying to see him for who you want him to be. That s not a perfect relationship.