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Wish my Stepson's mother would get her act together and take him!

dledden's picture

I am a newbie to these boards and appreciate your feedback and help.

I am in a newly "blended family" with my fiancee and I, my 2 biological sons ages 9 and 6 and his son Matthew, age 8 and Autistic.

Thing is, I can't stand this child. Everyone does everything for him because of his disability. Let me be more clear about his autism, he is very high functioning, verbal, etc. His real "autistic" behavior is stimming and social skill deficits along with severe gross and fine motor skill delays.

Matthew is defiant in school, but ooh, let's all try to cater to his needs. HIs father and grandparents all do everything for him, no wonder his ot and pt skills are so poor, kid has never been forced to do shit for himself. He has anger problems and a nasty mouth. He will tell me i'm stupid, i'm dumb, he will HIT ME, kick me, put his fists in my face, scream in my face, etc.

When he's bad he gets "talked to". When my kids are bad, they get put in their rooms, in timeout, lose outside friend playtime, etc. but poor matthew....FUCK MATTHEW is my reply. I am to a point where I have nothing in me but resentment toward this child. I resent that he can't put a fucking straw in his capri sun, that i have to some days forcibly dress him, deal with his tantrums, etc. and there is no repercussions for his behaviors towards me.

Thanks for listening,


Willow2010's picture

....FUCK MATTHEW is my reply. I am to a point where I have nothing in me but resentment toward this child. I resent that he can't put a fucking straw in his capri sun, that i have to some days forcibly dress him, deal with his tantrums, etc. and there is no repercussions for his behaviors towards me.

Surely you are not going to marry into this mess or expose your children to it right?

Delilah's picture


Your OH should not be allowing this to happen, however he has no motivation to change because he finds it easier (read cant be bothered) to let ss act in this manner. I had behavioural problems as a child and I wasnt permitted to get away with this BS.

So instead make him entirely accountable for ss and refuse to do anything for him/with him until things drastically change - and even then I think you need to stop taking the responsibility for him. Thats his father's job. Take some time out and get off the merry go round.

You have a choice in what you to for this boy. You could choose to refuse to put up with DH permitting him to act like that with no consequences!

christinen's picture

My fiance and I live together along with his 4 year old daughter and it is the same way. Only difference is she has no disability. Him and his family just cater to her because they feel sorry for her (because of the situation at her mother's house, where she is 50% of the time) and are turning her into a spoiled brat. I wonder if the disability is the full reason for the spoiling. I have read about a lot of dads who have the "guilty daddy syndrome" and act the same way, even when their child has no disability (my fiance, for example). Either way, it is not fair to you to be put in this situation. Personally, I am going to try disengaging. Maybe you could benefit from that too? Stop everything you are doing for the kid if you get no appreciation and respect for it.

hippiegirl's picture

Don't marry him. Do not drag your kids along on this adventure. They will resent you for it later. The little retard isn't worth all that you COULD lose if you stay.

Dragonflyo226's picture

Hey, hey, easy on the "retard" word. In this case it really isn't the kids fault, it's the parents. My cousin is considered profoundly autistic & non-verbal; his parents raised him as though there was nothing wrong with him. If he mis-behaved, he was punished & that was that. They wanted him to have as normal and productive a life as possible, because they know they won't always be there to take care of him, and want him to be able to function as well as possible when they're gone.
One of the best things they did for him was get him involved in the Special Olympics; it really helped him to learn about team work, and he had an outlet for the frustrations that he felt. He's won several gold medals in downhill skiing, cross country running, and even carried the torch in the World Olympics. When he's feeling stressed he lets his dad know he needs to go for a run. Maybe it would be a good idea to try to get him involved in something?
Like I said, this is not the kids fault, this is all about what he's been allowed to get away with. A point I would make with his Dad, at the very least is that by not teaching how to function in normal society he's further handicapping his son; one day he will be an adult & then what happens?
Another thing is IGNORING the bad behavior, no matter how strong the urge to react. ONLY acknowledge the good behavior. Negative attention is still attention, if he learns that being bad isn't going to get him any attention AY ALL... But it takes time to produce the desired results, so patience is required, also hiding things you don't want to get broken because it will get worse before it gets better.
If all else fails, or this is just more than you signed up for then get outta there cuz this isn't going away.
Best of luck to you!!

thefunmommy's picture

There are all kinds of ways to deal with high-functioning autism. We're dealing with it with SS7. For the most part, at home, he gets treated just like his sister (he get a razor thin margin of leniency because she likes to antagonize him). He has an IEP and a Paraeducator at school to help deal with his behaviors. His (lazy, stupid, passive) mother is perfectly happy with putting him on meds as opposed to actually working with him. He goes to an ADHD eval soon to see if they think that's part of the problem-he does exhibit some of the behaviors. So, it's a work in progress. He's still expected to dump/rinse his dishes, clean his room, pick up his toys, do his homework. He may have a disability, but we'd like him to be able to function independently if anything ever happened to Dad (since mom doesn't care, and legally there's pretty much zero chance that I would get him, being just the stepmom). There's NO need to treat this kid like a baby if he's on the high functioning end of the spectrum. NONE

branmuffin97's picture

Severe gross and fine motor delays WILL lead to an inability to put a straw in a capri sun or dress himself completely. That's why he sees an OT and PT.

Perhaps you are not cut out to parent a special needs child. Nothing wrong with that. It's in everyone's best interest if the adults can be honest about their limits. No child deserves to grow up being resented for having an assortment of disabilities.

And yes...retard is not's the equivalent of "spic" or "kike" or "nigger"....VERY much NOT ok to use it as an insult. My son is a "retard" and the world would be a much better place if more kids were like him.