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Will I ever feel differently?

Lolo1988's picture

Hi all,

im new here and I've found it so comforting (if that's the correct choice of words) to read others posts on this forum. I have no friends currently that have step kids so often it's hard for friends to completely understand where I'm coming from.

I've currently been in a relationship for 3 years, my partner has 3 kids 6 I and 15 and I have one child who is 8.

when it is just me and my partner and all the kids are with there respective parents, we get on great, enjoy each other's company, laugh together and really connect.

my partner is a brilliant person and father to his kids, but struggles with my son who has ADHD. He tends hold onto feeling angry after my son has a meltdown and then retracts and doesn't talk or interact as much with him. 

I can't no matter how much I try to shake it off feel like we will ever slot together as a family. There is so much I find hard to accept about this life, but those feelings come in waves I feel like I'm ready to give up but then brush it under the rug and carry on.

The youngest two have no respect for my home, they break things wee all over the bathroom, don't go to bed some times till 11pm in the evenings so me and my partner have no evening together. 
the eldest is also difficult because he wants constant entertainment from us, there isn't any point that he has will just chill out on his own.

I am an introvert and someone who craves and needs my own time and space. My partner finds this difficult to accept and often takes it that I don't want to spend time with him and the kids which then causes a row. It makes me feel suffocated as I feel I'm not allowed to be myself. 
I feel so guilty all the time because I feel I should love his children, and I just don't. 
The next issue is, I want another child and he has said no.

my question is, will I ever feel happy and settled with my step kids. 
does it get easier? Does anyone have any solutions? 

thank you



Findthemiddle's picture

First, when someone tells you they don’t want more kids- believe them and respect their position.  Second, many people here lead with the “when it’s just us alone it’s perfect” thing.  However, it’s not just y’all, because y’all are both adults with kids, and the kids aren’t going anyway.  If you want to have fun and date this guy when y’all’s kids aren’t around go for it.  If you’re looking to start a new family - proceed with caution.

SMto3's picture

Hi Lolo, 

unfortunately, I always say about step parenting what I say about parenting; you don't know what it is unless you are in it yourself. None of my friends understand stepmotherinf because none of them have been stepmothers. So I turned to steptalk. 

About your partner, I can tell you only from my own experience that it sounds like it won't get better unless you put some boundaries in, and that's a maybe. We all get along better with our partners without the step kids involved. In fact, any grand argument my H and I have had  has had to do with his first 2 kids, the ones he has custody of. Stepfamilies are not easy, unless his kids are told by him and held to a standard consistently, you will somehow become the bad one. If this is already happening to you, then you know what's in store. 

Rags's picture

If you make a choice to change how you feel about it all.

I am fully on board the perspective that feelings are a choice.

If you don't like how you feel about something, make a choice to feel differently about it.

Lifer33's picture

Firstly, don't bring another child into this situation when you are both struggling with each others children atm.

You say he's a brilliant father, but then why are the children allowed to stay up until 11pm. That certainly won't help with their behavior as kids are idiots when they overtired.

What are the consequences dished out by dh for breaking stuff?

He either needs to accept that you need space and don't always want to interact with his kids or move on, and I guess that's a bit the same with his relationship with your son. You either need to accept that he struggles with him or end the relationship. And of course if dh is being angry or horrible to your sons face at these moments definitely leave!