Wife of 2 years won't ask ex for CS
I realize this is only one side of the story but, I got married 2 years ago and have a wonderful little SD that is 10. My dw has joint custody with the bf. DW has a good working relationship with them although BF tends to take advantage of DW when they get the chance. Since we got married BF has guilted/intimidated her into changing the legal documents to give BF more rights, remove the CS, and give BF more custody(now it is virtually equal). My DW doesn't want to have any conflict or confrontation so she has just let them walk all over her in the past. Now that I am here and I have been around long enough to understand how this all works I have tried to empower DW to stand up for herself and for this the BF and the SM have been harder to deal with and blame me. But also they can't as easily take advantage of my dw.
When I came along my SD's mom was living single in a condo and working full time barely making ends meet. SD was with her for more than half the time. Close to 2/3's of the time. Her ex had not been paying CS for about 5 years because my SD's mom thought that if she had her most of the time or even half the time then he didn't need to pay. She never looked into any of these assumptions and now feels like since that is the way it has always been that things should stay the same.
I now have a 6 month old with my dw. My dw now only works 3 hours on mondays and takes care of our son the rest of the time. I am trying to sort out my feelings about BF not paying child support. My dw seems to think since it is virtually 50/50 and jc that it is not BF's responsibility when my SD is with us. I see this arrangement affecting our whole family and lowering the quality of life that we could have. I also see it as BF not taking responsibility for his daughter. My dw wants to keep a friendship like relationship with the BF and is worried that asking for CS will ruin it. She feels like it is important that we are friends with them but I disagree, especially when BF and SM take advantage of dw.
What are some of your thoughts about this? Should I just drop the issue? Is it really that important to have a friendship with the BF?
So, the custody is 50/50?
So, the custody is 50/50? Why would you feel like her ex should be paying support if he's supporting SD the same amount of time your DW is supporting her? If he has her 1/2 the time, he's being as responsible in supporting SD as much as your DW is.
Certainly you wouldn't feel it fair for him to request support from her.
If money is an issue, your DW needs to pick up more hours at work to support her child.
My dw seems to think since it
My dw seems to think since it is virtually 50/50 and jc that it is not BF's responsibility when my SD is with us
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And she is right. If you go along with your thinking then maybe your DW should pay the BF when the DD is with him.
I would suggest to not rock the boat with this. Your wife needs to step up and pay for her kid and not hassle the BF to pay when it is 50/50
I see this arrangement
I see this arrangement affecting our whole family and lowering the quality of life that we could have.
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So you want bio dad to pay for you and your familys quality of life because YOU had a child? WOW!!!
If money is an issue then
If money is an issue then your DW has a choice file for CS for her other kid (50/50 or no if the bf makes more he may have to pay, then again he may not have to pay a dime) or she needs to get back to work full time. If your not willing or wanting to supplement your SD's needs (which you really are not responsible for her parents are) then just stop doing buy anything for her leave that to your DW and her dad, let your wife know what you are doing and why, and what her options are. Even if she files and gets CS ordered biodad may not pay a dime, yes she can also ask for retro cs and he may never pay a dime. The big question is why wouldn't she want her child to have the support from both parents for the financial life she would of enjoyed had the relationship stayed intact.
Good luck but I doubt she will do anything now, she didn't want to "rock the boat" she won't now
I'm sorry, but if the custody
I'm sorry, but if the custody is 50/50 there is no legal OR moral obligation for him to pay child support. I understand your frustration of seeing the person you love feel obligated to cower down though. It is one of the most aggravating things I have ever gone through. But, look at the bright side. You could be in my position. BM comes and goes as she pleases (she's back this week after two months of no contact with the skids), when she wants to play mommy for a couple weeks I have to make sure to accommodate her plans at any cost, I do her job 24/7, and she signed her custody off completely two years ago and DH still won't go for support. It is aggravating. But I still think you are being unreasonable if they have 50/50 custody. That is the only reason there was never a child support order when they first divorced. They had true joint custody and I don't believe that either should have had to pay anything for the time that the children were with the other (even though DH paid her utilities a few times). Your bf should have paid when it was not joint though and if it ever becomes uneven again he should pay.
Yes, your DW should have been
Yes, your DW should have been receiving CS when you met her. She wasn't. Now, BD has SD 50/50 so there really is no reason for him to be paying CS at this point in time.
It seems that you are holding resentment that he wasn't paying when you met your DW but it has carried over to the current situation which does NOT require him to pay with their 50/50 arrangement.
With 50/50, each parent should cover the expenses of their child at their own home. Because you & your DW had another child, your DW is working less. That is a decision that BOTH of you made. Either she works more to provide her share for her daughter or you both decide that she work less (to care for your new baby), then you pick up the financial slack. Welcome to having an almost house wife.
Of course dw would pay if she
Of course dw would pay if she was the one making the money. Neither I nor she would disagree with that.
It sounds like I am over-stepping my bounds. Thanks for the responses.
The only reason your wife is
The only reason your wife is not making the money is because she has chosen not to work more than minimal hours. She has the same responsibility as her ex to support the child they created. The solution is for her to work a more reasonable number of hours. Her ex should not pay for your (mutual) choice to be a SAHM.
Know your state's cs laws.
Know your state's cs laws. Look it up online. I know *here* that even if both parents have the child 50/50, and the income of both parents is WAY different, the one who makes more will pay child support to the other parent. This is LEGAL. In your case, minimum wage will probably be imputed for your wife, since she is only working part time. Or, if she has a degree and just choosing not to work, they will factor that in or go by her prior salary before staying home. All you can do is put in the numbers and see what comes out. If he should pay, then proceed. If he shouldn't, then drop it.
Your wife should work enough
Your wife should work enough to support her "before" kid.
They do. But the advice above
They do. But the advice above comes from sm's who don't want any of their money going to the bm's... they are advising how it "should be"... not how it IS...
And when I say "their money," I'm referring to the biodad's money...
I am starting to see what is
I am starting to see what is going on here. SM's believe BD doesn't have responsibility beyond their own household if 50/50. The more I read, the more I think this is faulty thinking. Unless you SM's are working full time to provide 50% of the income in your household then I think you are hypocrites. A woman that stays home to take care of their kids is providing the 50% in my book. I don't care if it is money or time it is still 50%. Money and time usually have the problem that you can't usually provide 100% of both. You can either be working to provide $$ or staying home to provide time or some combination of the two. And guess what? Which one is more important to the kid? You guessed it.... time. So you SM that are sending money to a stay at home mom should be thanking them for providing the best situation for your skid. Or is it not about the skid?... In that case you should be ashamed of yourself.
are you kidding? sm's owe
are you kidding? sm's owe bm's a thank you for taking care of their own kids? OMG. i have no words. and i will never be sending any money to another woman to take care of her kids. i didn't get anyone pregnant.
I'm not a stepmom. I'm a
I'm not a stepmom. I'm a divorced mom of two. And I believe I am as responsible as their Dad is to support them. So I work - full time. I don't have the luxury of working three hours a week.
You and your wife CHOSE to have another child and CHOSE for her to stay home. Her ex isn't going to have to pay for that choice. YOU are NOT responsible for supporting THEIR child. Your WIFE is. As she is responsible for helping support the child you chose to have. If you choose for her to stay home? Then it is on you to meet her obligation.
I'm speaking as a former SAHM
I'm speaking as a former SAHM of 12 years.
Money is required to raise children. All the time in the world is awesome; however, if you cannot afford to care for them properly, "time" isn't good enough. Sleeping on the streets at night but "spending time" is NOT being a good parent, IMO.
The money matters to you. Don't pretend it doesn't. It matters to you because you think that the biodad should suddenly pay to make up for your wife not working.
Biodad and mom each have an equal responsibility to raise and support their child. They each have 50% custody and care. Equal. Your wife is the one not carrying HER 50%. By agreeing to have her not work, you have accepted her responsibility to her other child.
She has two children. Baby 1 with dad 1. Baby 2 with dad 2 (you.) Both dads are doing their job to support their kid. The only one failing at it is wife. If you don't think you should be supporting her " before" kid (and I happen to agree with you, you should not do that!) then your wife needs to work. She brought this child into the marriage. She doesn't have the luxury of being a SAHM unless you WILLINGLY take on her responsibility to baby 1.
i don't usually agree with
i don't usually agree with anything saf says, but on this one, i'm with her. how about your wife's ex just thank your wife for staying home with his child and that be good enough, hmmmmmmmmm?
Tee hee.
Tee hee.
The problem is that you are
The problem is that you are only looking at how much time the child spends with each parent. We have no clue what either are capable of earning (or actually earning). Take the spouses out of the equation for a minute. If she was making $2000 per month and barely making ends meet, and the father was making $6000 per month and they each had the child the same amount of time, she would probably be awarded child support. Now that she is not working, they would impute what she *could* be making, and calculate... Just because she chooses to stay home and raise the kids doesn't mean she should get nothing from the biodad. It comes down to making things more equal in both homes. I know not every state is this way, but it's that way here. This is why they need to take their actual figures and calculate using their state's calculator...our opinions matter not.
Op cannot do that. Only his
Op cannot do that. Only his wife can. And if she chooses not to...