Why does it still upset me
Its been years since I last came here, its like I almost forgot about how much stress this causes me util there is an incident.
Update on who I am and my situation
2012 met man of my dreams
2013 marry the man of my dreams
We had some issues in the begging and then I learnt from this site that I had to distance myself from the situation, I did, it did well until about 2017 when BM asked me to tell DH that he needs to increase CS.
At which point I asked her is we couldn’t try to have a relationship with SS, because at that point I then had a BS born in 2016, told her they brother and deserve to know that, she only spoke about CS.
Beginning of 2019, she emailed me to say that SS would like to meet his and me, nothing about his brother. Anyway planned a trip to the city they lived in for Sept 2019, prior to trip, she said she wanted to communicate with me only, and because I don’t know any better I agree, we chat, very friendly, but then comes messages about “heads up, a lawyers letter may be heading your way for an increase in CS” so I strike a deal with her to increase over a couple of months (we were in a bad financial space, even moved out of our house)
SS is ok, polite but entitled and demanding. He was 9 at the time. (he liked me a lot so it was all good)
When we left the city we visited for 5 days , she tried to force us to pay for airline tickets for a Christmas visit (we later found out she had travelled here with her boyfriend by car 6 days before Christmas , but left SS in hometown) so we planned another visit but covid lockdowns started. So we had to keep postponing.
A lot more happened between then and now.
We were asked to call him once a week, send extra cash, gifts, etc.
I had to remind DH to call every week, I had to stress about getting the budget fixed for the extra cash, I had to make sure gifts not only got bought but was delivered on time, I had to make excuses when DH didn’t call. I sent him emails and asked for pictures, I was the primary contact between our two cities, households and families.
Last her BM sent me a picture of SS bucket list that included wanting to sleep at his Stepmom’s house. But then things changed, he stopped acknowledging me on calls, would blatantly say he doesn’t want to talk to me.
On my birthday DH called and he would not greet me or say happy birthday, a few days later was his bday and I wished him, he ignored me completely(I decided to disengage at this point ), less than a month later he didn’t wish his brother.
Its been two years since we saw him (he is 11 now) DH has a business trip to the city he lives in next month and has extended his stay for 2 days over a weekend to spend time with him, it was a quick decision, as his place of work had book the flights. All this comes down to my current emotions of anger and resentment, I did everything to get a relationship between all parties, and I feel none of them appreciate it , and while I would have insisted that DH does stay to spend time with his son, I feel annoyed with the situation. The only time we are contacted are for self serving reason from BM and SS, I’m over it.
DH mentioned he thought it would be a good idea if he lives with us for high school (2023) and I am just like no. I feel like I have to protect me family (BS and myself) from DH’s SS, like SS doesn’t acknowledge his brother at all, I know he is a child, but do my utmost to make BM aware of SS, when we send birthday wishes, gifts and talk about “his brother” I wish BM would do the same for my kid.
DH is an awesome person, procrastinator and bad at communication but a good guy. And I love him so much, but my heart is sinking thinking that we will never be a “blended family” he basically has SS, and has us. And I actually hoped that we would kinda form a unti, not immediately obviously, but some point, now it just seems like this is causing more of a divide than anything else.
Also the thought of him even visiting makes me go into a panic.
Am I normal?
You are absolutely normal. I
You are absolutely normal. I have been in your shoes, trying to communicate with a HCBM to try to be part of the coparent unit and "help." I also learned, any form of communication between SM and BM is a huge mistake. It came back to bite me and I felt the anger and resentment too. It has been two years since I have spoken a word to HCBM and I am better off for it.
I would stop worrying about forcing a relationship. I would also ask that if DH wants a relationship with SS, he does it in SS' city, to keep you and BS out of the situation. If your DH wants a relationship with SS, he can work with BM to make that happen. Honestly, it sounds like your DH has barely met/seen SS, so is it worth the relationship to keep coming in and out of this kid's life periodically? Your DH is dreaming if he thinks SS is going to live with you full time in high school after only meeting a few times his whole life.
It is probably better that your son just doesn't know about SS and that you stop forcing the issue. Why get him attached to a kid who is never around and seems to be an opportunist, only making contact when it benefits him? I wouldn't want that occasional presence in my child's life. They are siblings by blood only, but it takes more than that to have a meaningful relationship and clearly SS wants no part of it. BM is also not obligated to do anything for your son or to acknowledge him.
I know it is hard to accept that this situation will never result in a "blended" family, but these high conflict situations rarely do, generally because the high conflict parent refuses to accept the situation. BM clearly cannot accept that DH moved on and has another family, so she is using her power and SS to manipulate the situation. I recommend therapy to talk through your feelings. It really helps.
I am in therapy now
Everything you said is 100% right.
I have decided that he needs to deal with that side and if he is "ok " with SS being like this then fine.
The living situation is highly possible. BM said that she has done her 9 years that SS can live with us. And SS is just as excited to be with his dad. BM says her life revolved around SS and she wants to live now.
DH on the other hand is feeling he could change SS's behaviour by teaching how we are. Says he wouldn't treat SS any different to BS. (He is stern with BS)
Anyway we discussed it last night again and he said that he just wants to do what's right. I said we would table the living situation until later this year.
Also yes.... He has met SS about 10 times. They talk about 1-2 times a week. And SS loves talking to his dad.
Does it make me a monster for not wanting him in my space?
When we got married BM was still keeping SS away from hubby. (And cancelled every trip between 2019 - to date for SS to visit for holidays including this Dec, wanted us to come to her late sept, because she wanted to do a trip with friends for ther 30) And it didn't look like it would change. So 7 years down the line I didn't quite equip myself with the knowledge of what's to come.
Deep down I know she doesn't have to acknowledge BS, but she was so friendly and wanted to talk him and asked for pics in the beginning, even took pics when we were there in 2019. I think it's just a nagging feeling of being used that bothers me.
Thank you for the advice. I have cut communication with BM. Only respond on group texts for valid reasons.
Why did your DH not have any
Why did your DH not have any kind of court order regarding custody/visitation/child support? BM was allowed to use SS as a bargaining chip. And if SS barely speaks to you, why on Earth does DH think the kid will come live with you?! As if BM would give up her cash cow.
Anyway, it's common for many of us to start out trying to fix everything for our partner, and then get burned out and quit. Let DH handle it on his own and keep setting any boundaries that you need to set. I don't think you are in any danger of the kid coming to live with you (at least until BM can't get any more CS for him), but make it clear you don't agree with that anyway.
BM wants to live her life
She got pregnant at 19, so she has told me numerous times that she has served her time and she wants us to take SS, she tired and wants to focus on her.
So she would totally want us to take him.
10 CS court dates later ( he got fired from work at a point because he had to go to court 8 times in 3 months.... In a different city)
And they werent wanting him to be a part of the kids life, so he gave up after 2 years. Paid CS the whole time.
Then came pushy me ( would have happened either way cause she eventually contacted us)
She sent an email one day out of the blue saying SS would like to meet his daddy and I. So I started doing everything in my power to keep the situation stable. Right up to this year, when we arranged to meet half way between cities, and even agreed to pay for her 1 nights accommodation. (After hubby told her that I will arrange for accommodation for all of us, I was mortified) but she cancelled trip 2 days before time due to COVID flare up. (She also insisted I pay for the from to secure it, luckily the place only accepted payment on check Inn, my money would have been wasted)
I am definitely a big part of the problem, trying to deal with everyone and keep them happy. Stopping has helped but then it quickly turns into outside syndrome.
I have some work to do on me. I need to stop wanting to fix everything and let hubby make his own mistakes as well.
Thank you for advice xxx
Whatever the outcome
please, please, please insist that your DH go after child support. She doesn't get to just walk away from her child.
He may be a good guy, but a shitty parent and seems ball-less.
It upsets you because it is upsetting.
I am struggling to comprehend why anyone would actively go along with this level of manipulation, exploitation, and targetted PAS efforts.
I am sorry for you and your child for having to suffer through this failed family train wreck.
No more. PERIOD! No recognition of SS's existance, no more paying more CS (unless COd by a Judge), no more gifts for SS, nothing. If DH wants to do those things, he can do them. As long as not one Cent beyond CS is spent out of your combined family income. You don't do anything.
Why would you want your own child to have any exposure to this manipulated brat or the outcomes of your DH's and BM's failed family coupling? All of that has absolutely nothing to do with your family. Unless you facilitate it. Stop that.
Good luck. And good luck to your DS. Hopefully you can insulate yours as much as possible from the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool.
smh
Thank you
Literally after reading this I decided screw it. Immediately stopped acknowledging it. He was talking about areas in the city he would have stay in to be close (because wont have a car) so I told him, "not my monkeys, not my circus"
So thank you so much for thhe advice.
Believe it or not I was actually the person that convinced him about extra money/gifts, he told me from the beginning that BM only used kid as meal ticket, but I felt sorry for her being a single young mom, nevermind that I was trying to over compensate for DH not being there for the first 8 years , (even tho BM would allow DH anywhere near him, just kept asking for CS)
I think I had false illusions of blended family and trying to fix the situation, without a doubt this is entirely my doing.
So can I still step back. Dh is very much ok with me disengaging, he said I was always the easy target for BM and that it's going to be better for my mental health to just not have to deal with anything SS related.
That pretty picture of blended family I had in my head. Is abolished. I'm ok with not being liked now.
I just need to keep at it. And if DH seems like a shitty father to SS, ((this was something I was so concerned about, but now I understand why he almost disengaged after years of fighting with BM) not my problem, its his, as long as BS is happy, and DH continues be a great dad to him.
Yea you can step back
What is in it for you and your child if you stay?
Nothing that I can discernz