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When step kids expect to be the top priority always

Biostep7777's picture

Ugh!! How do you deal with this? HCBM tells stepkids they are the smartest, most important, most superior, most unique special snowflakes that have ever graced the earth with their presence and that everyone in the world is so jealous of them because they are so much better than everyone else on earth. She also tells them DH puts my kids before them because they are not the top priority in our house (first part is not true. Second party is. They are not the priority in our home. All the kids are equal priority) step kids don't like this and constantly acting like there's a huge injustice because they are not always in charge, given whatever they want, people don't tip toe around them, they don't make the rules and they have to share with my kids. They actually wanted us to tell my kids they can't eat certain things because the things they like should be only for them. It's awful! They are so entitled it blows my mind sometimes. Any advice on how to help them understand the world doesn't revolve around them? It does at mom's house so things feel "unfair" to them here. Then they complain about coming and it makes their visits unbearable. Sad We really wants to enjoy the time we have together but one thing doesn't go their way and it's miserable.

hereiam's picture

Your husband needs to set them straight. Has he said anything to them to counter BM's nonsense?

They are in for a rude awakening when they go out into the world as adults.

It is one thing to instill confidence in your kids and give them a sense of self worth, it's another to make them entitled and give them a sense of superiority.

Sounds like you and your husband need to teach them humility. Too bad we are in a pandemic, volunteering somewhere to help and serve others might do them some good.

 

 

Biostep7777's picture

We try!!! Ughhh! You don't even know! We have tried everything. She has them more and they like the way they are treated there so listening to us is just annoying and they will give us dirty looks then tell her how mean we are and she cries abuse. It's so bad!!! We all volunteered before the pandemic. They were bored and annoyed. We painted "kindness rocks" oldest said "why do you care about being kind to others? I said "because kindness makes the world go round" he said "no money and power does" and walked away. DH is mortified by their behavior and scared to death of their future. They don't want to hear anything we have to say. They have zero empathy. It's frightening quite frankly. I will take any advice! I don't know if this is fixable. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Wow. Just wow to their responses. Sounds like they will be carbon copies of BM. Sadly, not much you can do. Can't change DNA.

Biostep7777's picture

They are. I am pretty sure her and the oldest are sociopaths. It's scary. The way their brains work is beyond disturbing. It's depressing. They are truly truly sick. No empathy. No feelings unless it's about them. So unkind. They don't care about people. It's just disgusting. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Make sure DH is prepared for them to start refusing to come over in the future. This sounds like PASing at it's finest.

In the words of OSD before she PASed out. " No one loves me, or does anything for me except BM". 

Kes's picture

Ugh, yes, PAS on the part of the HCBM, I can identify.  NPD BM expected us to wrap the SDs in cotton wool the whole time, and obey their every command - which for the most part DH used to do - one of the many reasons I disengaged.  The SDs even had the cheek to suggest we favoured my 2 bio daughters over them - which was bizarre, because my daughters had already become independent and live hours away from me anyway.  The SDs are now both mid 20s and are having a hard time reconciling themselves to the fact that the world does not consider them special snowflakes, as their mother did.  They both live with her still, of course!  Get your DH to take a hard line, and don't put up with it, is my advice. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

And even when DD complies and bends over backwards to give into all of SKs whims, they will still PAS out.  DD becomes the doormat for them to wipe Thier feet on and BM is the almighty savior from DD and his mean old wife.

weightedworld's picture

Mine is going to be a Princess.. more specifically Elsa from Frozen. BMs adult friends go by Princess _________ the only married one is Queen ________ it's sickening. It's like a bunch of little girls got older but never grew up and then push this crap into their girls heads. They are all late 30s. 

I only wish I could line up all of THEIR parents and knock them all upside the head. 

SeeYouNever's picture

There is nothing worse than a stuck-up step child that thinks she is better than everybody. 

You and your husband both need to call them out on the bad behavior as it happens and there needs to be consequences for it. I have to tell you it was a sweet moment when my DH called out SD for acting like a snob. He looked at her with total disgust and asks her why she was acting that way and that it wasn't cute. 

The thing is as soon as you begin pushing back the kids will stop wanting to visit. They know this BM knows this and your DH also knows this. So you have to be prepared for that to happen or continue sucking up to them for the rest of their lives.

Biostep7777's picture

DH does. He doesn't put up with it then HCBM claims abuse. Omg. It's ridiculous!!! She acts like our home is the pit of hell. We have the warmest, loving, healthy and safe home any child could ever live in. Truly! All our kids friends want us to adopt them because they all love our house, my kids are happy, healthy and doing great. It seems only these two children seem to think there's something so wrong with our home that's  full of love, laughter, fun, support and safety. I truly don't get it. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Snobs are going to look down at you no matter how nice your house is or how well it's run or how much love it's filled with. My SD is like that too. She will make these underhanded comments about how we must be poor or other negative things about our house but the fact of the matter is her house is full of drama and other people that think they are better than everyone else. BM is raising SD to be a stuck-up snob that thinks she's better than everybody else and teaching her to be a racist. There's only so much we can do and model good behavior but in the end honestly I could care less if she never comes back to our house. for years we tried to make sure she felt like this was her other home and that she was a member of our family but she's made it clear over and over again that she doesn't really want that. Seeing us is slumming it in her eyes.

Rags's picture

Time to formulate family activities that set them up not to win.  Force them to live losing periodically and do activities that require them to ask for help. That way when they do actually perform, the performance can be praised rather than only their existence being praised.  If they truly are as intelligent as BM has convinced them that they are.... put them in advanced classes and sign them up for clubs that have truly exceptionally intelligent people who are exceptional performers.  This will do two things. It will demonstrate reality to them, and it will stretch their personal performance.

Go on hikes that they cannot easily complete without help.  Climbing is a great activity to drive cooperation, humility, and that introduces them to failure.  Have family game nights that include games that are challenging for all of the kids.  If one or more kids are more intuitive than others, find games that challenge all of them.

Parents who decree unearned specialness on their children piss me off to no end.

Sadly, this is not all that unusual.  There are any number of parents who bestow specialness on children that have been held to zero performance requirements. Then there are parents who bestow some miraculous status on the product of their own gonad emissions over the gonad emissions of every other breeder on the planet.  I suppose my complete lack of excitement in this arena may be due to me not having knowingly procreated.  Though there are people who bestow miraculous status on children they have adopted.  Nah.  Special is earned. It cannot be bestowed and it should not be tolerated by anyone who interfaces with people who do not have clarity on this.

Period.

I ran into an interesting example of this fairly early in my career.  I worked for a company that had a cube culture.  No one had an office.  My cubemate was a young African American woman.  We got along great... until I asked a question about her wedding picture.  She and her DH were in African tribal wedding attire.  Having been to Africa a number of times, living there, and having personal life experience with Africa (my youngest brother was born in what was then Asmara Ethiopia/now Eritrea).  

She told me that the wedding costumes were for "African Royalty".  So, I asked "which tribe".  You would have thought that I pissed on her leg.  She got all bent out of shape by that question.  "I told your, AFRICAN ROYALTY!".  She went ballistic, some of our cube neighbors called HR, we both ended up in a conference room with our boss, the HR director, and the VP.  During that conversation it became obvious that she had lost any semblance of rationality regarding the topic.  She went on a rant about how I insulted her African royal ancestors, she had no clue which of the 3000+ African tribes her family was descended from much less if they were royalty or not.  She just ranted that her mother had told her that they were royalty and that the bride was a Queen.

Unknw

What finally ended the meeting was when she threw the "you are a racist" card.  I just laughed in her face and proceeded to share the fact that my brother was born in Africa, I had lived there, and that I had many friends from several African countries and every one of them would attest to the fact that I am not racist as would any number of African American coworkers....  Several of those coworkers later told me that they have been approached by HR and asked about any racist behaviors I may have demonstrated.  All that spoke to me about it said they laughed when asked then asked me what it was all about.

She did not know what country the wedding attire was from.  I had no clue. I was just curious.  The entire conversation built on my commenting on how beautiful her and her DH's wedding ensembles were.

So, they moved me over the cube wall.  The funny thing was that we now faced each other.  They were low walled cubes so we actually had more face time once I moved than we did when our backs were towards each other.  Our relationship never recovered.  Apparently when I asked a couple of what were to me obvious questions driven by my interest in her wedding, it shook her Royal confidence.  I was not being snarky.  I was taken aback by her explosive reaction that I had zero warning of.

Parents who ascribe specialness on their spawn do not do their kids any favors, nor do they do favors for anyone who has to interface with their spawn... even as adults.

Nah, this kind of crap cannot be tolerated, should never be tolerated, and when a spe-cial snow flake pollutes anyone else's state of bliss, the quality of their parentage needs to be questioned directly IMHO.

It was a surreal  experience.  I have not thought of it in several years.

Good luck with these spe-cial snow flake failed family spawn.  Don't let their spe-cialness impact your own children.  Focus on actual performance and point out to the flakes frequently how actual performance is the only thing that is special.

IMHO of course.

 

 

Biostep7777's picture

Thank you! We do all of this! We play board gages all the time. If youngest losses he completely come undone and says everyone cheated. He cried and screams. It's so miserable we actually had to stop playing board games for a bit. We go for hikes all they do is complain than their mother sends a novel about how we should be doing what they choose to do and not what the rest of us want to do. They are on honor classes just like my kids are. They are expected to clean which they don't. It's just terrible. We are at a loss! 

Rags's picture

Time to bare BM's idiot ass.  These kids need clarity, and they need it delivered regularly and as painfully as necessary to give them clarity.  Start collecting BM's toxic rants for review with the Skids, the courts, the schools, etc.....  

The only chance your Skids have of overcoming the influence of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool is regular and full exposure to reality and the facts of their BM's toxic crap.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.  Countering the influence of the shallow and polluted gene pool of the toxic blended family opposition is never easy.

Dogmom1321's picture

Sounds like my SD10. I also have a feeling she is soon to be PASed out. No matter WHAT DH tries to plan: redecorating her room, playing games, going for walks, skateboarding, etc. SD finds SOMETHING to complain about. She makes everyone miserable. It's like if she isn't having a good time, she makes sure NO ONE else is either. Total brat. 

"I know it's a new skateboard, but the wheels aren't right."

"I mean, can you expect me to play just ONE nintendo DS game and not get bored?"

"I like redecorating my room, but I wish we could finish it already. It's not like you have to actually DO anything. You're just buying stuff."

**eyeroll** DH gives her a reality check of "Who do you think you are? Things cost money. etc, etc." She pouts for two seconds after she gets "scolded" and is right back to being herself. 

Blended4213's picture

Tries to imply DH treats my kids better. Even stopped DH at drop off to talk about her "concerns". Total BS and none of her business. Stepkids complain to her, they are perpetual victims and she sides with them. Also complains to DH how mean he is to the stepkids and they are scared of him because he tries to be a good dad and teach them responsibility and respect. WTH. If anything I think he's way too soft on them and doesn't discipline them enough. She wants to be the friend until they annoy her and then she's almost abusive, from what I gather. Definite personality disorder. Tries to portray DH as the bad guy and never expects stepkids to take any responsibility. Yes, my kids are here more, and not everything is not always fair. We can't be expected to put our lives on hold for them, they do fun stuff with her too. 
 

She's also accused my kids of torturing her kids in the beginning, it's just laughable the things she says. Stepkids may complain about something and it gets wildly exaggerated. She's definitely not helping the stepkids to be fun to be around or eventually well-adjusted adults. It's sad and twice as much work now for DH to try to fix. Hence disengaging on my part and not really caring about forming a relationship with the stepkids. It's like they are little spies and I don't even talk about certain things around them with DH they could easily turn around to her.