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At what point do you become family?

BuggiesMom's picture

My BF and I have been together almost 2 years and although he filed for divorce before we even met; his final court date is in August. I met his family after we had been dating about 3 mos. and while I go over to their house for holidays, birthdays etc., his Mom, sister and sister-in-law having never included me in anything like Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving, going out to lunch or silly things like Pampered Chef parties. They've never just called me to say hi or ask how I'm doing and my birthday was a little over a week ago (second one I've had since we've been together) and none of them made any effort to even give me a card..However, his stbxw IS included in most everything they do. I know she has 14 years of history with these people but she CHEATED on their son, brother, brother-in-law and in my opinion, chose her boyfriend over any sense of family she was entitled to.
My BF says I'm a drama queen and that as long as I have him, I should care less who they hang out with and if they choose not to make it me. My parents are no longer around and I yearn for a family. It's been my understanding that when the 2 of them were together that she had very little to do with his family and I feel that now she is using it to keep tabs on him; put her foot in the door and possibly even prove to me that she still has the upper hand.
Do I seem childish or am I rushing things?

BuggiesMom's picture

My sister (who has my complete opposite personality and totally doesn't give a crap if ANYONE on this planet likes her or not)tells me all the time to be all up in their face and to make myself a household name with them...kind of start marking my territory. I feel like if someone wants to be around me, then they will put themselves there. The last thing I would EVER do is beg someone to make me a part of things or cry to be included. I've spent endless hours listening to my BF drone on about her 14 year history; all the lies, the antics, the times she's cursed out family members and gone months at a time without speaking to them. I firmly believe that while she works over-time right now to be the shining sister/daughter that she wants the world to think she is, that sooner or later the real Ms. Pain-in-my-Ass will show her true colors and the big bubble they are all living in will burst. Do you think he and I getting married will change the exclusion of myself or my daughter with his family?

You're the best!


Sebbie's picture

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
So in essence I have 2 sets of inlaws to get to know. Dh and I have been together 3 years now( 2 married) and it is indeed a slow process. My parents took to dh immediatly, but then they never did like my ex husband(cant blame them there). DH mother still see's bm but only because she lives only an hour from her, and that is so she can get ss(her grandson)for weekends here and there. It DOES NOT bother me that she still interacts with the bm( as she and I have discussed this issue),because as bm has refused dh access to his son for 2 years now, at least dh's mother is in ss life( and she has always utelized those opprotunitys to correct the lies that bm has place in ss his daddy has a new family and doesnt love him anymore..Mother in law is quick to assure ss that not only does his daddy love him very much, but she has let ss call us when he has been with her over the past 2 years, when bm has refused dh any communication with his son. Now my father in law and his wife refuse to have anything to do with bm( and have been angered that she has even had the nerve to e-mail them about what dh, their son has done to her, the majority of it lies) and of course they have never responded to a matter of fact it is father in laws $4,000 dollars that is paying for our attorney to take bm back to court( as he is as ticked off with her as we are). Father inlaw has told dh that he misses his grandson very much but WILL NOT bow down to that women in order to see his grandson and would rather wait and see his grandson through his son(dh) only! Neither of my inlaws are close to bm, they only have disdain for her and all she has done to their son and grandson, but they are not that close with me either.This does not bother me though as I dont look at our relationship, (daughter in law, mother and father in law) like I did when I was younger in my first marraige. Today I see them more as friends, and in that they can discuss what they wish, including bm and I have the choice of either becoming a part of the conversation or walking away. I dont expect a lovey dovey relationship at this stage and at my age in life(although dh parents have stated that their son is far happier with me than they have seen him to be in the past 12 years with the ex).They do not treat me with disrespect, nor do I treat them with disrespect, I believe we all see each other in the same light, that we all love dh and ss and that being friends in that regard is enough. When I was 18 and getting married the first time I truly desired acceptance and love and this whole new family, I am content with the family I have with dh and our children, and the friendship we both have with our inlaws, besides it makes for far less pressure on everyone.

stepmom101's picture

I can totally relate honey. I've been with my husband two years and married to him for one and we've had our ups and downs about the in laws too. I don't know what it is with in laws that choose to be stuck on the past. But, let me tell you to not let them get you down. I have one child for my husband and one on the way. When I had my baby shower for my first my m.i.l. just came by and dropped off the gift and neither of my sister in laws showed their face. And to top it all off the day of my wedding my mother in law showed up 35 minutes late and her dress was so wrinkled you would have thought she didn't even put it in the dryer a little. so when it comes to not feeling a part of don't feel bad you are not alone. When you feel like that look at it this way they are the ones missing out. I promise you when they see that you are no longer trying to fit in to their very very small world they'll grow up. But in the mean time keep your head up and don't let the in laws get you down.


Mocha2001's picture

I see it a bit differently ... I don't think you should sit back and do nothing, but I don't think you shoudl be "in their face" either. What I would do, starting with shopping the day after Thanksgiving, but obviously before hand to plan ahead ... let them know that you'd love to go shopping with them. Keep droping hints, and try to invite yourself. My mom and step-dad's EX are more than acquaintences, but less than friends ... they will not hesitate to call each other on the phone to discuss kids or grandkids. They may not go shopping toghether, but ... so the potential is there. If BM goes shopping too, then so be it ... maybe you'll end up with a working relationship with her.

I'm kind of like your sister in away ... I don't care what people think of me, and like you in that ... if you don't want to be my friend then I don't want to be yours ... BUT when it comes to family ... sometimes you have to insinuate yourself. After 14 years they probably do have some loyalty to EX ... regardless of what happened ... BUT she is EX and you are NOW ... so MAKE them get to know you better. Break out of that shyness shell and show them how much you love BF and SKids ... it's a starting point.

Oh, another thing you could do ... have a Pampered Chef party of your own (or PartyLite or something), invite all of them ... have a family BBQ at your house ... invite all of them. Have smaller get togethers at your house and invite groups of family members. Make them realize you ARE a part of the family, and you AREN'T going anywhere.

That's what I'd do.

~ Katrina

Struggling Step Mom's picture

I have always felt like my DH's family were just not happy that he got divorced to BM. They cannot accept me and my children into the family because that would mean that they would have to admit that they don't have a perfect family. That is something they cannot accept. I love their son his ex treated him like crap and cheated on him a few times. But I guess they still believe that you stay married? I think that is another reason they look down their noses at me. They actually have made nasty comments about single mothers when I am sitting right there...It is just not worth it, who really wants to be part of a family like that?? One thing is true, it is their loss, don't let them think it bothers you!!

BuggiesMom's picture

His father is a pastor at a church and so this divorce is not only an embarrassment to the family but not condoned by the church. And I am an adultress to them. I honestly believe that not only does BB believe that I threw a monkey wrench into any hopes of reconciliation but his family does as well!
I'm with you. Who needs them? I'm cordial when I have to be and other than that; I'm just gave up caring!!!

Lisa Frances's picture

Yes Dh's EW broke up the relationship 6 years ago. But she is always on the buzzer to her ex mother in law and father in law. Recently, when my Dh's mum came to visit us, EW tried real hard to get her to stay with her, not us! Like she is more important than her son. Cause it did not work - but she still bleets to them, especially now cause we are getting married very soon. Suddenly it's "I made a mistake, shouldn't have left him...." SOB SOB stupid B$#%^&.

Oh, and she tried to get her ex father in law to let her come to our wedding in Fiji!!!! behind Dh's back! What a COW.

Dh's mother and father don't even like her anyway - but they are afraid if they are not nice to her she will stop them seeing the grandchildren.

Lisa Frances's picture

Just one more comment, my soon to be father in law has not been very nice about us getting married. Started raving about women just wanting to get money off men and how my soon to be new husband should get a pre-nup.

Irony is, from my first marriage, I am the one who paid and paid and still pay my ex. I worked my ring off for 16 years paying the mortage, food, bills etc. and he got more assets and $700. a month child support for our son (cause he won't work). While I looked after our daughter without a penny from him for years.

I had bad inlaws the first time around and now I have another difficult one (but only the father, my soon to be mother in law is lovely).

It is common as mud to have these problems. And it is not easy to deal with. Just get on with your own life and stop worrying about what they think. Who cares. Only you can value yourself.

luckySM's picture

My situation is a bit different. My in laws practically threw a party when BF divorced BM, BUT MIL also decided to become best friends with BM "for SS's sake". I think this is complete BS because MIL hates BM and BM hates MIL even more, yet they act like they've been the best of friends for years! What I find ironic is that with everything that BM has done and continues to do to SS, MIL will stand up for her and throw my name in the dirt when I'M the one who takes care of SS and is raising SS with BF. MIL'S problem is that she's jealous and she wants to be a mother to BF again and wants to take BM's place for SS. She doesn't seem to understand that her "mother" period is over and she needs to deal with the fact that she's solely a grandmother now and nothing more and she needs to let the parents parent the children.

My biggest issue is with MIL because one day she will be sweet as pie with me, and then next she'll be calling me a wh0re, so I keep her at a distance and am civil with her for BF's sake, but that's it. The last time she called me a wh0re I disengaged for months, even during the holidays. I think she learned her lesson from that, but if she didn't I will do the same again.

I'm sorry about your family, and I do have to admit that having my family around has made her vindictiveness easier on me, but I think your BF knows who his family is. I think what he's trying to tell you is not to worry so much about them and focus on the family you're building with him. I think eventually the pieces will fall into place, you just need to give everyone their space and show all the confidence in the world! You're the hottest you know what out there when you're around them and watch them flock to you like a moth to a flame.