What is my role exactly? Do I have a say?
I've been with me OH for 7 months now. He has two kids a girl 12 and a boy of 5. They are nice kids, just kind of quiet and shy I guess.
His daughter in particular is very clingy to him and always wants to hold his hand, and be near him, which freaks me out a bit, I feel like grabbing him away and saying he's mine! Childish I know. I wouldn't do that, but it's how I feel. So yes, I'm having problems with jealousy against the SD. From reading this forum it seems quiet normal though!
My recent problem is knowing what my role is in things. He has them every 2nd weekend. I had been leaving them to do what they want with their Dad as it freaked me out being round them, I just didn't know what to do or say. But the last couple of weeks I've made the effort to be round them after all when we move in, Ill be living with them every 2nd weekend and half the summer holidays (OMG).
We have had a massive argument because he asked them what they wanted to do for their summer holiday with him. So they wanted to go to this resort and he really did too. He told me he was going to book it and should he book it for me too. I was so upset that I didn't have a say in things. I said to him I'd have liked to feel like I had a say as this particular resort is just for kids and I'd feel really panicky and trapped. I'd prefer our first holiday to be somewhere we all felt comfortable. However he says he wants to make the kids are happy and if thats somewhere they want to go then he wants to take them. He doesn't see why he has to seek permission from me. I tried explaining its not permission, but just about being feel like I matter in this. Now I just feel incredibly pushed out - its him and his family doing what they want to - I don't feature. He says his kids would hate me if he said we couldn't go because I didn't want to. I said to him well I'd hoped he wouldn't tell them that was the reason - to which he replied that he can't lie to his kids.
However maybe Ive got it wrong. Maybe I don't have a say in this. Its the kids summer holiday, me and him can go on holiday any time. He says he wants to give them a memorable childhood. Yet I cannot help feeling desperately hurt that my opinion doesn't matter. I've been crying my eyes out about this, got into a real state. I just feel unloved and left now and I feel like once bitten twice shy, I won't try to be involved again.
No he has them every second
No he has them every second weekend
No I mean every 2nd weekend,
No I mean every 2nd weekend, as in he won't have them this weekend but will next weekend
I think it's important, when
I think it's important, when you're dating someone, to make them feel valued and a part of your life. It sets the precedent, and I think those with children should be especially sensitive to their childless partners because those partners will be making huge sacrifices in order to include the children in their lives.
Oops, she said below she
Oops, she said below she basically does live with them which was what I went on. I think I personally never understood NOT dating for the long haul, since I don't see a point (which I know isn't everyone's stance on dating.)
I agree she shouldn't make demands, but I would gracefully bow out of this relationship, only because I personally know what it's like to have a partner who made me equal from the first day he asked me to be in a relationship with him. And because I've seen how miserable so many people are when they aren't.
7 Month! Good night. Please
7 Month! Good night. Please don't move in yet.
You should "date" a person for a few years before moving in/get married. IMHO. It will save you a lot of grief down the road.
I'm so sorry you feel this
I'm so sorry you feel this way, and yes, it does hurt a lot when it's as though your feelings and your life and schedule doesn't count, like you don't have a say in anything because you know you're not only outnumbered but that he's "doing the right thing" and you can't really fault him for it.
The fact that he is willing to throw you under the bus, and essentially bring them into the goings on in your relationship means he's not cut out for a relationship. He doesn't want a true partner, he wants an add on, an extra app, if you will, where he can continue to live his life how he's been living it without making amendments to include a new person's life (which involves a good amount of compromise.) And, quite frankly, he's an asshole for blackmailing you with the "my kids will hate you" which is downright dirty in my book.
I'm going to tell you though, it doesn't sound like you're cut out for the step life, like he isn't cut out for a relationship, and maybe it would be good to walk away since this sounds like an uphill battle.
He does say in the future
He does say in the future when I am a big part of their lives then I will have a say, but I don't see the distinction between then and now. We are together, we basically live together as it is. I would think it odd he went away with them on his own.
I can tell you only from my
I can tell you only from my experience, that my husband included me from day 1 as having an equal say. He intended to date me with the intention of marrying me from the getgo, and the "dating period" was his time to prove to me he was worth it, despite his baggage. This is not everyone's cup of tea, because I don't think a lot of people are as old fashioned as my DH, but I can say 100% we're happily married. He may make mistakes occasionally, but so do I, but he never had a mindset or belief system for who I am or should be, the way your OH seems to have for you.
You don't think I'm cut out
You don't think I'm cut out for it? How come?
Trouble is he's my boss too so we work together. I'd need to find another job if we split up, I'd feel too upset being around him.
I replied below. It's not
I replied below. It's not even that you wouldn't be cut out for it, but you wouldn't be cut out for it because he is the way he is. I think if he was super supportive of you, you'd be able to make it, but he doesn't seem to be, so I'd cut my losses and go.
Also, damn, this is why you shouldn't date coworkers. But I'd find another job quick, a job is not worth being miserable for.
Yes well I think he seen it
Yes well I think he seen it as their holiday with him and I was welcome to come along. Whereas if I had kids I'd expect I'd want him to come too and for us all to have a practice at living together. If he didn't feel comfortable with going a specific place then I wouldn't just go regardless because kids wanted too. I respect him more than that. Although I don't have kids so I'm just trying to imagine
You don't think I'm cut out
You don't think I'm cut out for it? How come?
Trouble is he's my boss too so we work together. I'd need to find another job if we split up, I'd feel too upset being around him.
I think you aren't cut out
I think you aren't cut out for it because the way he is isn't likely going to change, and even if it is, you'd be constantly fighting for it. If you're this upset about not being included in the plan making (which I don't blame you for--I myself would walk away for this and his emotional blackmail alone 'cause ain't nobody got time for that) then I think you wouldn't be able to handle (me neither!) the whirlwind of bullshit steplife will throw at you.
I have a great hubby, who was a great BF, and then a great fiance--but damn, sometimes I still think I would have been better off finding someone childless when things get really crazy on that front.
It depends on who is footing
It depends on who is footing the bill for the vacation. If I pay, I'm not taking DH's children. When you add children, it ceases to be a vacation for me. Don't get me wrong - DH chips in on the vacations, but when I'm paying for the bulk of it, I'm not taking kids. For example, when we went to the Caribbean I paid airfare, lodging and car rental. DH pitched in on food and excursions. Mostly my money = no kids, no way. This summer, DH bought tickets to Cedar Point for me and the skids. He's taking his kids, so I expect him to pay for lodging too. I'll pitch in for the occasional meal here and there but that's about it.
Thanks for your comments. I
Thanks for your comments. I know. I do feel bottom of the pecking order what does EOWE and Disney Dad mean?
What MJ said. This has you
What MJ said. This has you as a "future steptalk power user" 2 years from now written all over it.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
What is my role exactly? Do I
What is my role exactly? Do I have a say?
Well ..... your role is as an equity adult partner with your SO and that makes you an equity parent to any children in the relationship home. You have an absolute and equity say in anything and everything in the home and the relationship. But, there is no relationship home at this point.
That said ... if you are in tears over what amounts to an extreme non issue (IMHO) then it is likely that you are not ready for an adult relationship with anyone including a man with no children. Definitely not with a man with children.
Why would this be such a major issue to you? You have been dating for 7mos, you are not even cohabitating, he asked if you wanted to accompany he and his kids on their summer vacation. If this is such a major issue in these early stages of the relationship then the ever increasing drama associated with a blended family marriage will likely be untenable for you.
I do believe that your SO should make you comfortable and include you in the decisions even at this early stage. That he would serve you up as a sacrificial lamb to his children regarding telling them their desire to go to the amusement resort is canceled because of you tells me that he will likely be one of those proverbial Disney Dads who suck kid ass, won't parent, and who put his kids before his marriage. Not a good choice for you IMHO.
So, step back, figure out what you need to do to mature and be ready for a long term mature adult relationship and then re-engage in dating and finding a life mate.... who has no prior relationship baggage.
Now for the fact that he is your boss. Do you really want a marriage with a man who would date his employee? Again, do the self assessment and figure out the work and maturing you need to do to be ready for a life long committed adult relationship. For sure you don't want to fish off of the work pier when it comes to your mate selection.
I used to be your SO. I made the mistake of dating an employee. I married her. My first wife worked for me. She worked for the business that I bought. She had worked there during high school and worked their during her winter, spring, and summer breaks from college. We met 4mos after I bought the business and started dating when we met. We dated all summer, she went back to school in the Fall. She would come home on occasional weekends and we met midway for both of us on several weekends until winter break. She transferred to a local JC for the Spring semester, the summer, and the following fall. She started at our large local state university a few weeks after we married and stayed there until she graduated 2 years after we married. She did not work for me after we married.
After my divorce I never again considered coworkers or employees as long term relationship material and I never dated off of the work pier again.
Good luck.
Wow. Ok. where to start. I am
Wow. Ok. where to start. I am a Stepmom to a seven year old boy, that I love dearly. I have been in his life since he was 2 years old, but it still gets hard sometimes. To love a child that is not yours takes time. I do feel where you are coming from in him not including you in things. That would make anyone feel how you are feeling. If you are not feeling comfortable with a man with kids, why do you make a choice and find someone who does not have kids(not being insensitive) then you would not have to deal with the feeling left out and the every other weekend thing. If you feel like this now (feeling left out and "territorial") then down the road in a possible marriage you would really feel "territorial" then. And by the way the kids only get to see their dad for a little while so if you do decide to stay in the relationship cut them some slack. Be more open minded and you would feel so much better. Because the kids are the real ones suffering. (I was raised without my father in the home and now I am married to a man with a child outside the home).
I haven't read most of the
I haven't read most of the other comments.....but my gut reaction is this is NOT going to work so walk away.
You are freaked out by kids,
You are already jealous of the daughter,
You aren't living with him yet expect to have input into where he holidays with his children,
He has children yet you don't want to go to the child friendly resort he invited you to,
You will feel trapped and panicky at a child friendly resort,
You have only been with him 7 months.
MOVE ON QUICKLY.
This is nothing against you, you aren't wrong for feeling how you do but it just isn't going to work and there is going to be a whole lot of pain and anger happening and it's just not going to be worth it.