Was I wrong to have my spouse ask
I had my spouse ask their 18 yo if they were in bed with my 15 yo.
My spouse and I are on vacation with our two youngest children who are same sex. My child has previously revealed to me that they are bi. I am uncertain of my step’s orientation, but they are currently in a hetero-presenting relationship. My child is the younger of the two. My spouse and I have been together 13 years, married for 9.
Evening before last, I opened the door to the adjoining room to see if anyone wanted to come get a snack with me before our late dinner. When I opened the door, I saw what appeared to be two bodies quickly re-shifting under the covers and I backed out fast, uncomfortable. I paused, took a breath, lightly knocked and opened the door. My child’s face was redder than I had ever seen it. I don’t know where my step was. I didn’t ask, as I was shocked and concerned from what I had seen—I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask.
I want to make clear: IF something was happening, I believe my child was a willing participant. It is not the act that I am concerned about; I didn’t name any act, nor can I even conceive of what could be occurring under the covers. My concern, of course is first for my child and their feelings, as they have always adored and looked up to their step sibling and they are also currently in therapy, as well as has anxiety and is depressed—we don’t need anything additionally aggravating their mental health. My secondary concern is for my step, due to the age gap, and the fact that if there is something that happened, it could put them at risk for legal consequences.
I told my spouse immediately what I saw. We were both kind of stunned into silence, which is extremely rare for the both of us. We carried thru the night, hanging out with our kids, having dinner (we had a really nice time, I carried on like normal), and going to bed. We didn’t speak of it until the morning.
Yesterday morning, I brought it up; I believed the best course of action would to be to ask both of the kids. My spouse urged me to call my own sibling (whose opinion and input my spouse has always held in high regard) and ask their opinion on the situation, as we were both unsure of how to proceed. My sibling agreed, that out of an abundance of caution, it would be appropriate to ask both kids. During this convo, voices were raised and our kids could partially hear. I have not and would not make an accusation, but my step child believes I was accusing them of “taking advantage of” (words that never exited my mouth or were even part of my thought process) my child.
I ended up speaking with my child and they swore up and down nobody was in the bed, nothing happened. My spouse said their child was upset and they had to go find them and that they are upset because I’m “accusing” them of something they didn’t do. I adore my step, they are one of the kindest, gentlest people I know, and I know they wouldn’t ever do anything to deliberately harm my child. I am unsure of what my spouse said to my step, as they refuse to tell me.
I ended up spending the day alone, going to the beach, getting a massage, and eating yummy food; my child wanted to be with their step sibling, so they all went to the pool. When I was done, I went to the room, showered, and relaxed. When my spouse returned to the room, they proceeded to lay into me about how their child doesn’t want to come around anymore and how I accomplished my “goal” of pushing his child away; I have never said anything of the sort and have always been supportive of their relationship with their child.
My spouse says I was wrong to insist they ask their child if they were in the bed with mine. I believe I was acting in an abundance of caution to protect BOTH of our children from the consequences (albeit different consequences) of a potential situation.
A couple things I want to make clear: I never threatened LE involvement, nor did I say that I saw her. I believe that overlooking a situation because we “trust” our children could cause us to be blinded to a situation that is unhealthy for them.
I begged my spouse to reality check his beliefs against my behavior, our history, our extensive conversations about our children, but he maintains that he is furious with me, my step daughter does not want to be around me, and we are basically over. TBH, I was erring on the side of caution. What if something DID happen and my child talked about it in therapy? A therapist is a mandated reporter and at that point, it would be out of our hands.
Could he be trying to pass
Could he be trying to pass his guilt on to you because his intervention with his daughter ended up only making things exponentially worse?
Thank you.
This thought has crossed my mind.
I did speak with my step, I was calm. She was very angry. She was not interested to hear me out, and just asking why that was my first thought. Tbh, I don't know. I was caught off guard and I panicked, truthfully. She did, however, confirm that my hubs said I was accusing her.
Oh boy. Usually when someone
Oh boy. Usually when someone protests that much they are hiding something. The kids might have been experimenting and you walking in and stopped it. I would have set them both down together for a family meeting, and put the boundary in place that there will be no dating between them. Handling it separately like you did caused the side taking that happened.
My oldest bio and step are the same age. (Boy/girl) When we got together we told them flat out together there will be no dating between them. I was not going there! I bet you never dreamed of this happening and it's one of those awkward step situations. I believe in putting it all out there and dealing with it head on. Puberty causes lots of questions and confusion around sex. It's a parents job to coach them through it.
The age gap probably sent your spouse into panic mode. Instead of recognizing that both kids are curious about sex and growing up, he incouraged victim mentality instead of having a responsible thoughtful conversation about this.
I don't get the impression from your post that you think abuse is going on so I didn't approach my answer with that in mind. Of course if that is a part of the situation then you need to act accordingly.
Thank you.
I appreciate your thoughtful reply. You are correct that I have zero concerns of abuse.
I had a friend.
Whose daughter came out to her as bi when she was 14, my friend then became very conflicted about sleep overs. It was a really rough time for her, but ultimately they agreed that until she was an adult that sleepovers should be discontinued. Of course the teen being a teen felt very picked on but also understood the position it put her mom in. Ugh it's a tough call and I think you did do right in discussing it. Maybe some family therapy?
Thank you.
I think it's beyond repair.
She’s loving this.
When I went to leave the room to be away from everyone (we had extended check out in only one room, so the kids had just rolled their baggage into the room) and my hubs said "we have the room til 2" -- the only words he had spoken to me at that point (1pm) and I responded "why would I want to stay in here?" My step snickered. It was low enough, that if I brought it up, it would be denied. I didn't bother turning around or addressing it, I just walked out of the room with my stuff and waited in the lobby for the three hours until we had to go to the airport. My people who I shared this with think that step is relishing this situation, and I agree. Who is it that's trying to get rid of whom?
And you know what? I hope she enjoys the fallout of me not putting up any fight, because her dad's world is about to get turned upside down. I have spent the last three and a half years working really hard on personal growth, addressing my own trauma, and creating significant changes in my day-to-day life and my overall mindset. I'm not throwing away all of my progress for a man who would rather cause drama with me than calmly and maturely ask his child if she was in the bed with mine. He sold me out to avoid discomfort instead of acting like the 56 year old man he is, he lowered himself to the level of his literal child and painted me as a villain
Also, I shared this thread with him, with my kid's dad and a few of my friends; nobody has said I was wrong to ask him to ask her if she was in the bed. Of course, whenever he's wrong and someone agrees with me, he LOVES to say that I don't have friends, I just have "fans" who tell me what I want to hear. My hubs was like "well did your tell them how hard I worked for this vacation blah blah blah" and I informed him that he can register and participate in the conversation. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Your kid's dad has every
Your kid's dad has every right to call the authorities and have this investigated. Throw that out there to the room and see what that gets you. Our two oldest had an incident ( he put hands on Her neck and tried to choke her) the other kids all saw but nobody told us. We were getting ready for church and they were all in the basement. OBD call her dad to come get her , while at church and didn't tell me, next thing I know I've got a cop to deal with. So yeah, your ex can be the heavy in this. It was our first major hurdle to get thru and it was a doozie but nothing compared to what was to come. After this happened OSS stopped coming over, didn't like our rules about not getting violent.
***UPDATE***
During my time alone in the hotel lobby, I was communicating with my sister, who lives in another state (where my DD25 also lives, and I have tons of friends and family), and she said "come stay with me" and I decided to just book a flight for the following morning to go to my sisters house. Nobody in the family was speaking to or acknowledging me, so who would care, right?
Even my own daughter remained glued to my step. The last conversation she had even had with me on vacation, which was after my solo adventure, was fine, she asked how my day was, where I went, and it was a calm convo.
But when I was alone in the lobby, my daughter and at least my hubs walked past several times, nobody called, came over, or asked how I was.
Like, I was the family pariah.
Step had a ride at the airport and my daughter's dad was picking her up. I told her there that I was going to her aunt's house the next day, and my hubs overheard.
He flipped his lid.
Completely.
He would "never" do that to me, he said. No, he sure wouldn't. BUT he WOULD shun me on vacation and provide that example to both of our children. He WOULD know that I'm off resort in a foreign country alone and not check on me, see where I was, what I was doing, or if I was even ok (which is not why I had gone by myself, but this is completely unheard of behavior from him). And of course, as mentioned in my OP, he WOULD accuse me of attempting to distance his daughter from him, and imply that because of that, our marriage is over.
We argued the whole way home in the car; his anger turned to grief and desperation as he struggled to understand how we got there. And of course, he finally LISTENED and admitted his error and begged me to stay.
I went anyway. I needed space. I needed to be around people who know my heart and love me. I work remotely, so I have a bit of freedom to move about. My original return was booked for August 31, but I gotta be realistic—my little DD’s birthday is next week (she’ll actually be turning 15, I know my OP said she’s 15–close enough), coupled with the fact that I just can’t be away from her for too much longer—so I go back next Monday morning.
Other than a short text telling me “happy birthday” (as well as her bday list and a thank you for putting some money in her account) I haven’t heard from my own daughter.
I haven’t heard from Step.
My hubs has profusely apologized, recognized and owned his reaction and subsequent treatment of me, as well as promised to make this right with both of our girls.
As I’m sure many can deduce from our long relationship, and my prior membership on this forum, this is not the first time that we have had stepparenting issues. His ex has been a nightmare and I came here back in 2011 for support and stayed for a few years. Things calmed down and I took a step back from my stepdaughter and trying to build a relationship with her because my emotions and mental state simply could not handle what was being dealt to me at that time.
There was also a history of how his ex treated his oldest daughter when they were married, and I have always believed that I became the target for everyone’s anxieties due to that. I was SO looking forward to building a relationship with my step as an adult, once she was less under her mother’s influence and it seems for now that I will just have to give up on that. I’m so tired of having my heart broken in this situation. It feels so hopeless.
Tl;dr: Left town for a bit, hubs admits his error and promises to apologize, I don’t really want to move forward with a relationship with my step.
A rough one. I can't imagine what you are going through with
this.
On the one hand, historically, a 15yo boy would be all happy with having an 18yo woman show him the ropes. I certainly appreciated my older intimacy mentor when I was that age and a bit younger.
On the other hand, this 18yo victimized your son. As an elder sib, she violated a trust. As a member of a blended family, she violated the sanctity of hte family.
I completely understand your ire. She earned it. So did your DH.
I also understand how petrified your DH may be at the prospect of his daughter going on the sexual preditor list if this proceeds to a criminal legal action.
Most prominant in my mind on this is how egregiously your DH failed to be your patner in this situation, egregiously he failed your 15yo, and even how egregiously he failed his own child by not putting his foot so far up her ass she would be his new shoe.
smh
Not her son, her daughter...
Not her son, her daughter...
I missed that bit.
I don't think that miss changes the situation though. The risks remain and are age related rather than gender related.
At least IMHO.
To be VERY clear…
Just want to clarify again, I don't feel anything criminal occurred. If anything did occur, I believe my child would have been willing. So I did not and have not approached this as a predator/victim situation. My whole intent and context of my thoughts was IF something occurred, it needed to stop.
My original question was answered very clearly that my spouse was in the wrong. He has been making steps to make things right, including speaking with each of our kids in an attempt to own his choices in the situation. My daughter is still mad at me and she primarily stays at her dad's house (about an hour away, she attends school there), with visits to me on the weekends but she's refusing to come over until she has a "talk" with me--this is a new situation I am now contending with.