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Vacation without SD

KJSM's picture

My DH and I have been married 10 years and have two BD together age 9 and 5, as well as his BD Is 14 and lives with her BM, spending EOW with us. My delema is mother and stepfather have recently retired and live in Florida in the winter(we live in New England). They have invited us to come and visit them and spend a day or two at Disney/Universal over school vacation in April. The debate was whether my SD should come with us. She and my family have a relationship but are not close. They do birthday and Christmas gifts for her but both parties recognize the limited extent of their relationship. Also my mother is paying for the plane tickets and if she wasn't doing this we would not be able to afford to go. My SD has two other sets of grandparents and we try very hard to keep things equal between her and our BD. Although she spends only 4 days/month, we have only 3 bedrooms, so our youngest BD share a room while my SD has a room to herself(this will change in the next few years as she is an only child at her BM's home). I really don't feel that it's appropriate for my SD to come on this trip however hard this may be for her to understand, these are our BD grandparents and my mother at that. If this was my husband's mother I would feel differently. So unfortunately my BD, who have never been on a plane or to Florida, let it slip about the trip (I had to book flights recently and make the call as to how many tickets to buy), and so a conversation began between DH and his BD as to why she was not going. Then after SD went back home to BM, BM called and gave DH hell for not inviting their BD on the trip (TO SEE MY MOTHER!). I realize this is tricky ground and that my SD will probably have a tough time accepting this but I don't think I should feel guilty about bringing our BD to visit their grandparents. If this was our idea, and if we were funding the trip this would be different. We have taken one other family vacation back in 2007, and SD AND BD were along. My SD's BM has lived in section 8 housing for the past 12 years, collects disability, and has never financially contributed to her BD life. My DH pays CS, and the rest comes from the state. Both myself and my DH work, ALOT. Unfortunately some things will never be equal between my BD and my SD due to her BM's (in my opinion) choices. The whole disability thing is a joke! It really pisses me off that she's making us feel bad about this vacation-we are both hardworking parents and my SD thinks her BM can do no wrong. We are very good at not speaking badly of het BM.. My DH attempted to explain why it doesn't make sense for BD to be invited. His question to BM is why don't you and your husband take BD to Florida? Why is anything that costs anything for her to come from us?
SUPER FRUSTRATED!!! Also trying to be sensitive to SD's feelings without being made to feel guilty! She gets love and attention from us and from her many sets of granparents etc...
Am I an awful SM?

Rags's picture

DH to SD: "KJSM's parents have invited me, KJSM, and our kids to their house for a visit. You will not be available to come with us and this is your mom's time. I just wanted to let you know so that you will not be surprised."

End of issue. DH needs to smack the shit out of BM if she opens her toxic lips about this again. Section 8 entitlement minions do not get to bitch when their X does something that the Section 8 idiot can't do. The Skid should not be in the middle.

We struggled with vacations without SS for years until I put my foot down with my bride and told her that I would no longer miss vacations with my family because SS was on Sperm Land visitation and that my expectation was that she would go with me. Of course it was her choice but by that time I made it clear that I was going with her or without her. We told the Skid so he would not be surprised.

If he had an issue with it we just said "Sorry kid-oh. This is the only time everyone could go and you will be in (Sperm Land) on visitaiton with that part of your family".

hereiam's picture

You are not an awful SM and Rags has good advice. Your DH should just explain to SD and be honest about it. Don't give SD a chance to argue about it, it's not up for discussion, it's just something that IS going to happen. BM can kiss off.

This is something that happens when two people have a child together and split up. The kid is going to miss out on things, not be invited to certain things, not get things they otherwise might have. Such is life.

Sports Fan's picture

SD is 14, not 4. If she were younger, I could understand as it would be hard for her to understand. At this age, she should understand that life isn't always equal. BM is in the wrong trying to make you feel bad. You aren't doing anything wrong. Enjoy your trip.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Tell SD that your parents are paying for the trip and that if she would like to go her MOTHER has to pay her ticket. End of story.
Since her broke ass, government sucking mother probably doesn't have a pot to piss in, don't worry about it. Enjoy your trip.

Dizzy's picture

Ticket and theme park admissions. Do you guys know how freakin' expensive DISNEY is??

Teas83's picture

Like others have said, I don't think you should feel guilty. It would be different if you were going to visit your husband's parents - obviously then you would take SD. But SD doesn't need to be included in everything that YOUR family does, especially if your family is paying for it.

Someone above said that when a child's parents split up, that child is going to miss out on things. I completely agree with this. It's bound to happen in these situations and your SD will just have to deal with it.

The BM should be staying out of this too. It is ridiculous that she's trying to tell you and your family what to do in regard to SD. That's what would bother me most about this situation.

Teas83's picture

^^^I thought the same thing about the room. It's too bad the others have to share when that one room is empty most of the time.

My SD6 is with us 4 days a month and also has her own room. Right now it's fine because we only have one other child. But eventually SD is going to have to move out of the giant room she has all to herself and it's going to be a huge issue.

Disneyfan's picture

Just tell her she can't go this time. If your husband ever has the opportunity to take SD on a vacation without the younger kids, tell them the same thing.

Jsmom's picture

Not every kid does every vacation. Sorry, it just doesn't work out that way. You can not make it "even".

My son does trips with me and SS does trips with DH. SD does none with us, because of her behavior on the last vacation. We have done two cruises without her and have another planned for Christmas without her. Life isn't fair.

Jsmom's picture

My SS and BS are great. We get them their own inside cabin and we get all the privacy we want. They have fun together and do things with us and some by themselves. Honestly after doing NY and Boston last Christmas, I like cruising with them much better. Cheaper and we get adult time.

IslandGal's picture

No way in hell would I be taking SD. If her Mother has a problem with that, then SHE can take her on vacations on her own time.

Early in our relationship, we received bad news that my brother was diagnosed with cancer. He lives 6 hours away from us. I decided to visit him and took SO and my kids. It was on SO's week with his kids. His Mom came to stay and take care of them. We went for 4 days. It was my first taste of what a disney dad was like. When we got there, there was no reception at the lake. My SO nearly went mad because he couldn't call SD. We went to the nearest club type place that had land lines and SO was so desparate to comfort SD who couldn't sleep without hearing his voice, he offered $20 for the phone call. I was stunned. She was with her Gma, safe and sound at home.

When we returned from the visit and got to his place, she sulked and didn't want to talk to him. She also refused to look at any photos we took while we were up there. She didn't care that we went to visit my brother - all she cared about was that we went without her.

His son, SS was perfectly fine with it. He came out, hugged everyone and greeted us all warmly. Which just shows me that SD was a compelte mini-wife who was upset that her main man was gone. So damned petty and stupid! No empathy, no sympathy, no compasson - nada, zip, zilch - because she was pissed off with her dadddeeeee.

Gigitn's picture

Good for you for getting away and enjoying your family. Don't ever feel guilty about doing that.